September: A scholar rituals

Sunday, 3rd of September, I guess I achieved a lot in my life on mental and spiritual level, being an empowered individual and targeted in the same time is an achievement in itself. I talk to a strange person, I didn’t knew very well and he told me that your innocent face and rounded eye glasses reminds me of the ancient city of Paris. So, the old habits is back, the one who used to harasses me is here again, they can’t leave me alone, with my own burden of living, they can’t leave me with the thorn in my side.

Saturday, 16th of September, I was preparing to start attending school this year but unfortunately I’ve had many issues will let me delay it until next semester. It’s totally fine with me, I guess I will graduate in 2020 and I will complete the master hopefully in international relations. Tuesday, 19th of September, I have experienced many hurtful situations, I’ve bled silently, I’m not a feeler, I’ve been through many struggles, I’ve faced my fears and stands in the dark alone. I’ve always been into romanticism and I’ve always escaped to it. I’m currently reading “Memoirs of a Dutiful Daughter” and Simone de Beauvoir’s simple language full of knowledge didn’t surprises me, it was such an inspiration and my ultimate passion and desire is to create such a vision in my own diaries.

Wednesday, 27th of September, they’ve known who I am before me knowing myself, from a very long time. I’ve had my worst dreams and fears and they were with me silently watching. I hated everything, I wanted everything, I’ve actually had everything except peace of mind. Friday, 29th of September, lying in my bed, rearranging many things, loving the small moments of autumn and preparing for winter. I still keep remembering what I’ve been through and what happened with me between the hands of Saudi government. I still have hope and I dream of a better future for all of us.

February: Shimmering space

I must hurt you so good to reveal all this madness and ugliness. some people feels the insults deeply and they can’t forget when they get hurt. I get punished once for insulting someone for 3 years of my life, and I don’t know if he will still keep punishing me. First days of this month I was blogging a lot of shit on tumblr and I read many remarks for Hermann Hesse and Vladimir Nabokov. I’ve watched the danish girl it’s really beautiful and deeply breathtaking, so romantic and peaceful and the real painter Einar Wegener is a true hero. Monday, 6th of February, the weather is cold and sullen today, 14 degrees in the morning. Me, drinking coffee and touching my glasses and I feel like a real writer, I want to buy a typewriter one day so I can complete the image I’ve drawn in my imagination for myself. I want to write a thousand word in this month and hope for every month, just like September of 2016. It’s not a word race more than a mind trace, I want to organize my thoughts and experience writing many words on a paper and finally I’m finished for today. Tuesday, 7th of February, I was talking to an Egyptian man on Facebook, from long time I didn’t talk to someone and he’s a civil engineer by day and music producer by night. He made a beautiful song dedicated to me and he named it ” Ode to Somayah” I really loved it and he’s absolutely talented. We’ve shared photos of each other and I was shocked because he was black and I’ve never been in a relationship with a black person, although he likes me a lot but I’m sure that we will never be more than friends since I have enormous troubles with a black guy I’ve mentioned before in my previous journals. Saturday, 11th of February, today, I’m breathing and happy that I’m a live. I’m going to enjoy these small moments and I’m going to live in the moment without worries of tomorrow. I’m not going to carry the past for I’m a new person everyday, I’m not going to ask for more or less, I’m going to avoid distractions and I don’t want anything to disturb me in my journey through life. Tuesday, 14th of February is a rainy day with lots of memories and laughs. I read many citations for the poetic of space by Gaston Bachelard and this book is on my reading list. I remark, “We comfort ourselves by reliving memories of protection. Something closed must retain our memories, while leaving them their original value as images. Memories of the outside world will never have the same tonality as those of home and, by recalling these memories, we add to our store of dreams; we are never real historians, but always near poets, and our emotion is perhaps nothing but an expression of a poetry that was lost.” And here he said: “And all the spaces of our past moments of solitude, the spaces in which we have suffered from solitude, enjoyed, desired, and compromised solitude, remain indelible within us and precisely because the human being wants them to remain so. He knows instinctively that this space identified with his solitude is creative; that even when it is forever expunged from the present, when, henceforth, it is alien to all the promises of the future, even when we no longer have a garret, when the attic room is lost and gone, there remains the fact that we once loved a garret, once lived in an attic. We return to them in our night dreams. These retreats have the value of a shell. And when we reach the very end of the labyrinths of sleep, when we attain to the regions of deep slumber, we may perhaps experience a type of repose that is pre-human; pre-human, in this case, approaching the immemorial. But in the daydream itself, the recollection of moments of confined, simple, shut-in space are experiences of heartwarming space, of a space that does not seek to become extended, but would like above all still to be possessed. In the past, the attic may have seemed too small, it may have seemed cold in winter and hot in summer. Now, however, in memory recaptured through daydreams, it is hard to say through what syncretism the attic is at once small and large, warm and cool, always comforting.” I’m in love with his poetic language and atmosphere, since we’re in Valentine’s Day, philosophy seemed glimmering in a new uniform; in his words and works. Monday, 20 of February, “you get ready you get all dressed up to go nowhere in particular, back to work or the coffee shop doesn’t matter cause it’s enough to be young and in love” Lana’s new single, I didn’t like it that much, she actually released it on 19th of February. It has her touch and like most of her song’s lyrics: young, dressed up, party dress, cruise, blues, crazy and so on. Hope I can complete more than 20 book this year, I usually read around this amount per year but this time I want to raise my attic.

January: The light slowly diminished

Monday, 2nd of January, It’s 9:58 a.m. and I’ve just dropped my file from university, I was late, I was giving myself a chance, I was thinking a lot but their is no way else. It’s done now and I’m trying to re-plan many things ahead. First of all, I would focus on photography more and try to find a job in this field. I need money at this moment, and fortunately there is an opportunity for me in company belongs to a friend of my mother. Later, I will try to fix my academic situation, I don’t know if I want to complete my bachelors degree here in Saudi Arabia, I prefer abroad although it’s difficult. I’ve never thought that life would end up like this, I learned from my mistakes and hope I would be able to recover from these sad moments. After that, I couldn’t heir anything but my mom’s screams, I woke up and slept on my mom screaming, why? Because of my file, she want to make me study again, she’s not satisfied without me coming back to school. Tuesday, 3rd of January, we ‘me, my brother and sister’ went out to a public park, we enjoyed eating and drinking, the weather was beautiful and fresh air was what really need at that time. Wednesday, 11th of January I started reading finding a form for William h. Gass, I will take few remarks to record if I have a time, of course. Thursday, 12th of January I’m using the iPhone a lot! It’s like 24 hours and this is not healthy, I spend more hours on instagram, although I don’t have much photos, I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I discovered later that a lot of people had the same obsession with instagram, not only me! Saturday, 14th of January, I’m watching a documentary film about my favorite poet, Mahmoud Darwish. I didn’t know that he was married twice! And he never wanted to bring a child in his life, the Paris part was stunning, he wrote many beautiful poems in Paris, and he blooms there himself. He left this world with grace and dignity. I sawed a tv show on dw about two Afghani girls and how they live a hard life, and I just wonder how religion restrict us from looking abroad and striving for change, it makes us satisfied or whatever they say it with life, not asking for more, and that will prevent improvements, this is why they call us third world. And one of the biggest Issues of the third world country’s are religion. Wednesday, 18th of January, I have the right to live, I have the right to die whenever I want to, I have the right to say that I want to live, I have the right to live according to my rules and principles, I have the right to ask and speak, I have the right to fall and rise again, I have the right to be alone, I have the right to leave me on my own, I have the right when I have the right to tell that I have rights, and you must respect that I have rights, I have a rights although I don’t know it yet. Friday, 20 of January, it’s just a question comes to mind, and I wanted to write it down here; how we can measure someone’s worth? Is it about fame or is it about money? Isn’t about beauty? And how we can measure also beauty? I guess it’s a very divergent subject and need some time to work on it. Monday, 23rd of January, I can’t believe I have to tell that no one is worthless, no one is pointless, no one is flawless we do mistakes and we have to adjust with this to better our selfs. It’s human nature, I’m not worthless because I did some stupid silly mistake on the internet! it’s not a crime for gods sake, but some people are meant for reminding you of flaws you never did. Thursday, 26th of January, I’m full of hope although I’m not living the life I want, I’m full of dreams, empty days, and sorrow. The life I have is dark on me and I just can’t give up life but we have always to adapt and create something beautiful we can hold up to. I want something bright, sunny days by the ocean, open space and a lot of melodies. The life I want is not heavy on my shoulder, it’s me, it’s not them, it’s not the bad days and sickness of smoke everywhere. I don’t see but smoke, the light slowly diminished. Monday, 30 of January, we went to a local park and eat lunch their, we went walking for about two hours and then we came back home. I can’t imagine how tomorrow will be but I can promise myself to live every moment.

December: Feelings of oppression

It’s the end of the year and the weather is cold and bold, winter is charming and promising with fortunate end. Don’t try to reach me and I won’t try to reach you. It’s 2nd of December and we’re rolling around Riyadh streets, we went to jarir bookstore to buy a phone for my mom, then we stopped to drink some coffee in a local coffee shop. I’m afraid of being a bovine after a long period of taking risperdal, I was reading a few of its side effects and it’s scared the hell out of me.
Thursday 8th of December, I might go out, to have a little bit of fun. I love writing with these new collection of pens, they’re useful and enjoyable! Unfortunately, I’ve had nothing left of my medication bromocripten or something like that. I feel like my poor writing bothers me, I have so much thoughts, and besides that, limited words. Blah! Saturday 10th of December, I’m in home taking time to read and enjoy a cup of coffee or hot chocolate, mornings are quite and peaceful. It’s hard to make something of your own in this technology world and it doesn’t mean I’m against technologies, but I’m with reducing our use time to certain devices for our own happiness. People get busy all the time on phones and I’m one of them, this is not a healthy attitude. Sunday, 11th of December, I went to hospital today, and I took my medicines from their. The responsible doctor on me from now and on is Faridah and I don’t like her. I must be objective about my opinions because this is how I like my judgement sound to be, but we can’t overlook some personal points or feelings. I feel good today, I put some coffee on oven, breathing slowly for a new hope. Wednesday 14th of December, I get up early, feeling lazy, I cleaned the dishes. I eat breakfast on 11:25 a.m. and dinner will be ready on 2:00 p.m. when my sister comes from school. Sunday, 25th of December, I’m questioning my self, why would a person stand between you and happiness. Why would he break your wings and burn you a life. They want to control you so much until they forget they don’t own anything and they are the true losers in the end. The only sad thing in this life is to let go of happiness once you hold it in your hands.
Every time I try to understand my feelings, I fail. Every time I try to love unconditionally, I can’t. Feelings aren’t for me to be grasp. I wish things will back again to its proper place, because we are trying to move to another apartment or villa soon. Hopefully, things will be considered from now and on.
Monday, 26th of December, I had an appointment in hospital with my doctor, everything was alright, I told her I’m thinking about traveling to my dad in Jeddah and she gives me another appointment after month, in January this time. So, I will start taking 2ml of risperdal only until I stop eating it. If that black guy is reading my journals I’m telling ya, son of a bitch: you use your knowledge to fulfill an emotional need, and you said you’re not an emotional person! This is my Christmas present from me to you, hope you die soon motherfucker. I will be happy once again and I will forget all the painful memories, I will be free as free as the wind. Friday, 30 of December, I will never let to small minded to ruin my life again, with their stupid behavior and overwhelming emotions that will lead definitely to brute actions, by feeding their useless uncontrollable anger. They think they’re smart enough to take their rights by force but guess what; they will strangled them selfs sooner or later by their own hands. Tuesday, 31 of December, I should work hard on not making another bad decision, I have many wishes and hopes for the new year, and I hope things will be alright.

I don’t have to feel this way, another year is gone without my case being solved, I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but I guess I will travel to my dad in Jeddah. I realized how small I am when I couldn’t and I can’t help people’s of Aleppo and the whole Syrian territories. I have nothing to give them but praying, in praying for them, praying for no god, we’re all praying for them and for our selfs as humans. Things are difficult not only for us, but to the whole world to come; you’re meant for struggle.

November: Eternal escape

On Tuesday 1st of November I received a phone call from my father, around 2:00 p.m. telling me he will come soon to see me. On the other hand, doctors assessments were around where is the psycho therapist? And why she didn’t sat with her? until now and for a behavioral reasons! The behavioral therapy due to my escape tendency and I must admit that I will stay for another month. I’m tired, I’m not tired. Things goes double and triple with me. and I don’t even know how or why. Things goes unsaid and silent. I don’t feel better than who’s worse than me, and I don’t adjust by that with my situation. I’m in trouble and I have to face that alone. Everything is countable and don’t ask me what that means? I don’t write for others, I’m writing for myself and for time, for the past and the future. Writing carefully and carelessly. I’ll have to give back the borrowed pen for that Indian nurse. I’m eating loacker biscuits with vanilla, it’s 6:30 p.m. I met my dad and I’m waiting for dinner, after that I will sleep like every day’s routine.
On Wednesday 2nd of November, I met a psychotherapist, finally, Tagreed was good with me, she was incredibly helpful, many thanks to her beautiful soul.
On 4th of November, its the 74th day of my inhabitant in hospital. The mood is normal and stable, I’m expecting a family gathering today. My sister spoiling me with my favorite meals. Nothing much to say, same boring routine, I’m wondering when I can breathe the wild air and taste the fresh mornings, mornings of freedom, mornings full of coffee smell.
Monday 7th of November, Thursday is going to be a special day! Today the consultant dr. Aisha decided to give me a vacation for three days! ” they call it out on pass” I agreed on most of the therapeutic plan, and now I’m just going to wait.
Thursday, 10th of November weirdly I was born on this day, but it’s not my birth date ha ha! Today, I’m having a vacation after 80 days of residence. I went to my mom’s house, took a bath and long periods resting. They have prepared a light blue big box full of gifts, my sister brought to me the finest chocolate bars ever made and a beautiful blue dress. My mom brought to me a golden watch and plenty other things. It was feelings I can’t explain, thank you all for your love and patience with me. I really enjoyed this out on pass shit.
Saturday 12th of November, I went to jarir bookstore to refresh my reading times with new books, I bought four: Zen in the Art of Writing by Ray Bradbury, The Creed of a Priest of Savoy by Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Russell by A. C. Grayling, In Pursuit of Elegance by Matthew E. May.
Sunday 13th of November, I’m getting ready to came back to hospital, I feel good and I hope I won’t stay long.
Tuesday 15th of November, I took a nap after lunch and I get up playing sudoku, I eat some dates and half an orange, now I’m waiting for a phone call, then I will get back on reading Russel’s book. They say if you have nothing to say, say nothing, and I say if you have nothing to say, say anything.
On Sunday 20 of November, today I completed three months of resident in hospital. It’s a lesson I learnt, just like many before.
Monday 21st of November, I’m for discharge on Thursday of this week, but things changed! hear this, I’m for discharge today!! They talk to my father, and he told them is their any clear reason for me to stay until Thursday? He also told them I want to get her out today, and doctors agreed!
Wednesday 23rd of November, I can’t explain how I feel, I’m finally free, I breathe the wild air enormously, I hope I will get back to school soon. Today, I rearranged some plans and put a new one. I will give them a report on my health case and I will start studying at distance “from home” I don’t have to go everyday to hear or see something that will bother me. I need to focus and get things done, and lose some weight.
On 27th of November I went to alanima bank, she filled all the papers and the bad luck attended, I knew that something bad is going to happen. I didn’t wrote in my past journals (specifically in august) the reason of the fight with my brother that sent me here for three months! The reason was: I wanted a bank account, and my brother delayed me. Anyway, my brother ID card was expired from a year and she couldn’t open an account. Yes, some people would find that strange why my brother Id and the account is for me?! It’s our nation rules, and we should follow it without a question. I also went to bought some winter clothes, I want to feel warm and cozy in home forever. I’m looking for an answer, looking around me, easily distracted, I’m looking for someone, something, what’s wrong with me?

October: A lot was gone, few remains

Monday 3rd October, a phone call from my mom telling me your brother came to get you out of hospital but they said the doctor must give him discharged paper. And I knew something bad is going to happen, it ain’t that easy. She told me to calm down and tomorrow she will talk to Dr. Effat, hopefully things will be okay.

Wednesday 5th of October, I just finished meeting and discussion with Dr. Effat it was good. She wrote an order a phone call and a visit. She said your mother or your brother can get you out by going to the hospital administration, it’s not a medical issue and we as doctors have no hand in that. In addition, your father can get you out in seconds. Travel wherever you want to travel and do whatever you want to do.

Monday 10th of October, I’m on page 200 from the butterfly effect. Another round was with sudanian male doctor, he make sure that my condition is stable and my residence is supported with medicines. Unfortunately, I forgot how I sorted my thoughts and how to write what happened masterfully at first time. But I think I made it clear enough to be understood. He asked me few questions and then decided to stay in hospital under observation for two or three weeks.

Thursday 13th of October, beside poetry I’m reading a book for self exploration unbelievably beautiful, colorful and full of joy. Many thanks to Dr. Anan for this dramatic change in my reading habit. Start where you are by Meera lee Patel is captivating she brought to me another two books to waste my time on.

Tuesday 18th of October, I wrote in this self exploration journal answering a question: being good despite all the pain I’m in. I will forgive who hurt me and I will forget. Despite my broken dreams I’m happy but not satisfied, I’m wounded but I’m not dead yet and I will complete my journey through this life stronger, this is what gives me light, the pain we’re in so, what about you?

Wednesday 19th of October, it’s clear to me now I’m going to drop my file from university even though I’m in half way, I made my decision after reading the art of thinking clearly by Rolf Dobelli. Dobelli explores the world of irrationality and the errors most of us do through thinking process. He said: the sunk cost fallacy is most dangerous when we have invested a lot of time, money, energy, or love in something. This investment becomes a reason to carry on, even if we’re dealing with a lost cause. The more we invest, the greater the sunk costs are, and the greater the urge to continue becomes.

On Monday 31st of October, another round and things are disturbed, I thought it was the final one, I thought it was the last, unfortunately, the consultant Dr. Aisha surprised me with no discharged, the reason behind that is the fucking psychotherapist! where the fuck she’s!? She didn’t see me, not even once. Here is the end of the month, things are ruins and I have rebuilt my hopes again.

July: A laurel wreath

Trapped, tourtered, and humiliated. The sun in July, things doesn’t get better, I didn’t get the bachlarette degree. I found a temporary solace in darwish’s poems. Searching and surfing the web networks, running breathless like a frightend rabbit. First, second, third, until fourth of July and citizens of United States celebrating thier declaration independence day, for me, it was another day completing misery of a life. Writing, what’s it! an answer or a question, a word or a sentence, how I could lay down my words, just let it bleed, I said, dead on a paper, does my poor English helps? everyone made mistakes and you must learn through time and why you’re writing with English? I love using a universal language, silence will not be useful here. Oh, sorry I’m having a monologue with myself again. You frail pathetic child, they silently told you, muted words, words that don’t exist but in your imagination, oh imagination, where it can lead you! Floating in millions of concepts where it can disperses to thoughts and each of these thoughts lead you to hundreds of meanings and conclusions, where you can spent hours, days or maybe weeks trying to dismantling and recalculating, you end up afraid of getting insane, fed up from it all, I don’t want to think anymore, I don’t. I’m tired, I just want to rest my head on someone’s lap, I want to smell the air and touch the grass, I want the smell of the ocean to cover me as I sleep quietly beside the waves. Where you want to go with your writings? I don’t know! I’m very repressed, I need a space for myself, and I found it here between words. They are using your methods against you, is that conflict theory? You are the expermint since you are devoted to science, is this delisions? No, this is truth. And by that you must learn how to defeat them. They ruin you while you were taking a rest from fighting the demons in your mind.

We celebrates our eid ceremony as represented in Islamic calendar on sixth of July, dressing up like lady Diana’s jeans avrouls, reading for Hemingway, spending time practicing my skills in photography, I love the faded shades of cold colours in a digital image. It’s 8th of July and I’ve completed my 23rd year on this wild place we cold earth. I’m vestal, I’m still virgin even after a deep kiss and skin attachment from whom I love, I’ve never tried anything else, with anybody before him, and I think being sexually abused in your childhood doesn’t count. The scent of English lavender becomes a signature for my room, leaver coloured nail polish and long white sleeveless dress, this is how July was, sunny for the optimist, full of apportonities for the outsider and a new start. I didn’t get any response for the job application, and I’m still searching in vacancies somewhere or any normal job in a bank, restaurant, clinics with a good celery I’m planning to volunteer in United nations or thier subordinate organizations until I found the right time. I want also to find the ideal fellowship, council on foreign affairs had the best programm yet but unfortunately you must be a resident of United States. And since my plans is traveling to Nuremberg or Berlin, I must study in a German university and there is knostans university for applied science and friee Berlin university for international students and mixed cultures, then thier is Humboldt university of Berlin which take my interest and attention, Arthur shopnehour and Karl marks beside Friedrich angles are one of the most important and prominent graduates. Furthermore, it’s the oldest university in Berlin, established in 15 October 1810. There is also Qatar university, university de Geneva, higher school of economics in Moscow and finally Oxford.

Why they don’t just kill me, kill me, a bullet in the head or in my heart. I will fall on my knees, slowly bleeding, slowly breathing, I might not feel the pain, I will peacefully close my eyes forever. Sometimes, we reject the life we live in, then we escape to an alternative one instead, where we can be our selfs, and who we are. It’s not a crime, it’s not a shame, nobody have power over you. On 16th of July, I submitted an online volunteering application, and this should be recorded as my first contact with United Nations and humanitarian action in general. The report was created in 5th of July on human rights in the administration of justice, translation from Arabic to English under category: legal affairs. I talk about my motivation, personal skills, language, academic qualification and I’m waiting for thier approval. I spent a lot of time these days reading horoscopes, as I noticed in my personal natal chart, Neptune in the twelfth house, and it means a sharp intuition and gifted talents such as clairvoyance that need to be practiced. I found that true somehow, I’ve always loved Leo from the zodiac signs, I’ve felt or knew that someday I will married a famous dominating kind of partner, loyal, lovable, and protective. Just like the Leo sign qualities. I surprisingly, found that Mars besid Leo are in my seventh house and this house related to relationships, partnerships and marriage. Mars attracts a person who may have mars in his first house, Leo attracts a king or a queen (in male charts) to your life. One of us must be the star, one is not afraid of being in the spotlight. And I’m going to redraw the picture with a remark from an article. ‘Mars tends to bring a marriage partner of a heavy Aries/Mars emphasis in his natal chart. He will frequently have Mars in his first house, and may be of a military background. There is possibility of him doing any type of work connected with uniform: an officer, a soldier, a policeman, a firefighter, an athlete or a surgeon. His character will be rather touchy and eruptive, while his body will be robust, well-shaped and athletic. Many times, the body will be a huge reason of attraction towards the partner; the sexual energy created between the two natives will be of the strongest nature- even blinding the natal chart owner.’

An overall view on my natal: ascendant in Aquarius and midheaven in Scorpio. I have the sun in Cancer and the moon in Pisces. Saturn in the first house in Aquarius beside the moon. Jupiter in lipra, Venus in Gemini and finally the powerful red planet in Virgo. Their is much more details I’ve previously posted on my tumblr site. http://lapleureusee.tumblr.com/tagged/astrology it is awkward how Aquarians can suffer on hands of others because of thier difference and being socially detached. It’s ultimately describes and unfolds my case. I’ve understood myself more than ever before, I truly appreciate those moments when I were down on my knees, alone, afraid, seeking prophecy, where I could find a road may lead me to God’s kingdom. I found this talk strange on me, I’ve never been able to conquer spiritual areas before. I prefer dealing with hard rightness and lucid results. But from now and on, I will keep an eye wide open to what’s hidden, forgotten and unbearable. I want to touch the truth in all its forms and dimensions, uncompromisingly. I’m overburdened, no money, no school. I don’t have a laptop or a phone, things closed in my face. I’m chasing shadows, kites in the air, I don’t know where to go, I don’t have anything but my pen.

On 27th of July, I’ve recently completed an online diploma about human resources, I just need a bank account to purchase my certificate with approximately 21 €, at least this can raise or uplift my self-esteem a little bit. I’m leaving everything in its proper place, for what days will brings, sooner or later everyone must have what his fate resembles, no less no more, you are who you are, what you create, what you will become, what you want to be, no one can take this from you, no one can force you to do what it is not you.

It’s 30 of July, as Saturn represent myself, it comes here for a reason, he comes under precise family conditions, I know they’re trying to simulate the same controlled environment I were raised in, but he can’t be kept down forever, since he is the ruler.