Lilies

Spent the night in Paris

Where we visit Place de Mahmoud Darwish and Sacré-Cœur

I pictured the joy in your heart

And save it for eternity in

Water lilies & mirror lakes

Crab color sky and

cherry ice cream with children

Reminds you of a stolen time.

Lantern

It was the day you remembered

Fragments of my heart has stolen

It was the day you died

in front of me hundreds of times

Lavish man with

a soft beard & lantern

It was the day, but it’s not yet

It’s not the day

To call me

A lover

A sweetheart

Purge myself from the past

Trying the hardest while I can

Mama, my heart only escaped

Sad to bring this upon you
You, my loved one
You, my sunshine
when I needed the light
You’re the water nature of myself
You’re the earth
when I needed to feel comfort

Mama, Hated the country
But never the home
I wanted freedom but
Never to escape

I’m stayin’ I’m leavin’
I’ll be here until
I found myself that once lost
Mama, my heart only escaped

White blues

Here it’s, a three years anniversary
Woke up this morning
with sunflower in my mouth
In a place where I don’t want to be in
Here it’s three years in November
Struggling with family
Struggling with medicines, with purple life

I remember when I was hospitalized
In a mental institute, for the first time
I stayed for three months
I don’t know if this number
should mean something
but I was even sleeping in room number three
Seems so far away now
But the feeling is the same, never changed

I know I’m not sick; I told myself
and I can’t leave my dream to escape behind me
Bi-polar starts getting closer to my skin
Closer than it should be
Everyday I became the medication or
It became me
Sweet baby tablet of Abilify,
How it affects someone’s body
Someone’s brain
Does it numb your pain too?

White blues
I got all the time to do the things
That never did before
I got a life I never wanted to lose it
So let’s make some memories
Milk & water, white beds
Pancakes on breakfast and tears in the morning
Clean halls and nurses
surrounds you in every occasion
Walking in empty circles all day long
Getting used on the weird talk
The weird stares
Become one of them
By time you’ll stop worrying about the life outside
the hospital became all your life
where you become caught in every detail

Nothing much I missed but the warm summer sun
Celebrating my birthday and
Wearing my favorite clothes
Three years now I still remember vividly The smell of illness and the noise

Some critics have tried to read the interiors as places of melancholy and claustrophobic confinement – stage sets for some Danish production of Hedda Gabler. It doesn’t work. Light suffuses the figures with a soft radiance, integrating them with the space and furniture to create a deep sense of peace and contentment. Each picture represents a moment of clarity and calm, when the mind is still and the soul at peace with itself.

Vilhelm Hammershoi: empty rooms, full of wonder by Richard Dorment

December: The grey chapter

Today, I communicate with many people living outside Saudi Arabia, I heard many stories and I’m ready to tell mine! Dr. Taleb Al Abdulmuhsen is one of them, he’s in Germany, a psychiatrist, ex-Muslim and above all anti Saudi government. I asked him that I’m seeking asylum in Sweden, he send me his website (wearesaudis.net) dedicated to Saudi immigrants problems around the world. Here’s my plan! I searched about (Absher system) that make the male guardian of any breathing Saudi female an absolute controller of her own life. She can’t dream of traveling but with a permission and what an injustice community to be living in! Beside that, the Saudi women society is full of stories of oppression from her parent or her husband, brother and above all the government. I’m going to marry someone to be my male-guardian instead my extremely religious father. He’s going to be my husband in front of an unjust system so he can prepare my passport and all my legal papers! It’s sadden me that I tried to do it on my own but I couldn’t, when I wanted to enter the Absher service, it’s said: we will send a message with a verification code to your phone number! I accidentally had my father ID number and his password but unfortunately they well send a message to his number in Jeddah and I will be exposed! In addition, what saddens me more the huge amount of sickening control of our life, in details, everything is controlled, like: what countries allowed to visit? From when to when, do you want to receive a message when your daughter or wife is going to travel outside of Saudi Arabia borders? They didn’t left a chance for us to be a complete citizens of a country or with absolute rights.

I may was considered narcissistic but I’m now the wounded bird with a broken ego and questionable intelligence. It looks they win for a while cause it seems easier to use the sensational world in defining a person, to expose him, to detach him from his own principles, a vulnerable soul. It seems devices/technology are better in judging a human being, from what he smells, eat, read to listen. An approachable thoughts and forgotten privacy, this teaches me to re-find my identity and replace my dignity, it teaches me never to be less when you can have it all.

November: Crimson sun

It’s November, the weather is still hot but it will surely get cold on the end of the month. I can’t wait to start studying again. Everything was pure on a day before sunsets, and I’m trying to restore that solid moments of happiness. The leaves are fallen and prepare it self to a new cycle. I’m going to write with my tears, I don’t have other time to live. It’s time to bring the best in us, live wholly and truly. We are still young and I want to age gracefully, shine brighter through the years. It’s a vision that I created for myself, I want to live through pressed flowers, lavender breath, sweet November air with smells of books and fruits on a rainy day. It’s the sensational life that we observe first and what lie a head it’s a reflection of the mind, in its essence and its complexity. I want to write so I can see myself on papers; diagnose myself and find my identity between the letters. It’s for you who I write and me who I see. So, open your eyes gently and breath under the oak tree, you’re the king of your path. It’s you who I dream of, your lips presses against mine, you smell of oud and umber on jasmine, you told me you will never leave me, you told me I was like honey, years gone by now and I knew with time as it passes by that I will never here your voice again. Here I am covering my eyes with one hand in an empty room full of only darkness, I don’t want to hear voice, I don’t want to hear a voice.

October: The reality you imposed on me

Thursday, 5th of October, the journey began, I have finally established a physical identity for me, I will receive my ID card after a week. Then, I will open a bank account and finally find a job, I need more than 4000 s. r. per month. I couldn’t imagine things will work for me easily and I don’t want to spent another five years in my country. I will plan to graduate and travel to live abroad. My condolences for everyone felt and live what I’ve been through, governments can use fatal equipments and cruel actions just to prevent any threat possible, even when it doesn’t exist! I can say my reality wasn’t how I wanted, they’ve imposed the hate, anger, insecurity feelings and many other things, I wasn’t me, I wasn’t myself, trouble seems to find me everywhere. Thursday, 12th October, I finally received my books from London and it’s all for Nabokov; Lolita, pale fire and collected poems. I’m currently reading “ I don’t want this poem to end “ for Mahmoud Darwish for the first time and I can’t wait to read the rest! It’s going to be morning tomorrow and I will start my day with a poem, surely it’s going to be the dice player, one of my all time favorites. Friday, 13th of October, I just registered in Athabasca University to take an online bachelor degree in human science, it can be a pre-medicine course as well in different Canadian universities. I’m so happy, there was a weight and it’s completely gone, I will study it in four years, hopefully, I will graduate before 2022 and I’m always changing my plans as usual. Tuesday, 17th of October. Unfortunately, the program is too expensive and I can’t afford it, it’s more than 200, 000 s. r. Anyway, I found an alternate solution. I’m going to study psychology so I can later complete my degree in clinical psychology. I search a lot about online degrees and I found the best is in California Coast University with the best fee plans ever. Friday, 20 October, I’m certain that I’ve changed a lot through the years. I made mistakes, I learn, I grow. Although nothing is certain, there’s amount of hope laying down in my heart and here’s to another beginning for it’s almost the end of the year. I’ve been through a lot of struggles in my college, I studied biology for semester and I made a big mistake when I didn’t study medicine and I transferred to study economics instead. I can call this an endless mourn for me, I would specializes in psychiatry if it happens and I studied medicine so I found a good balance that I will start a refreshing career in psychology and I will hopefully take the master degree in clinical psychology. I have hopes and I will start my online experience soon.