Some critics have tried to read the interiors as places of melancholy and claustrophobic confinement – stage sets for some Danish production of Hedda Gabler. It doesn’t work. Light suffuses the figures with a soft radiance, integrating them with the space and furniture to create a deep sense of peace and contentment. Each picture represents a moment of clarity and calm, when the mind is still and the soul at peace with itself.

Vilhelm Hammershoi: empty rooms, full of wonder by Richard Dorment

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December: The grey chapter

Today, I communicate with many people living outside Saudi Arabia, I heard many stories and I’m ready to tell mine! Dr. Taleb Al Abdulmuhsen is one of them, he’s in Germany, a psychiatrist, ex-Muslim and above all anti Saudi government. I asked him that I’m seeking asylum in Sweden, he send me his website (wearesaudis.net) dedicated to Saudi immigrants problems around the world. Here’s my plan! I searched about (Absher system) that make the male guardian of any breathing Saudi female an absolute controller of her own life. She can’t dream of traveling but with a permission and what an injustice community to be living in! Beside that, the Saudi women society is full of stories of oppression from her parent or her husband, brother and above all the government. I’m going to marry someone to be my male-guardian instead my extremely religious father. He’s going to be my husband in front of an unjust system so he can prepare my passport and all my legal papers! It’s sadden me that I tried to do it on my own but I couldn’t, when I wanted to enter the Absher service, it’s said: we will send a message with a verification code to your phone number! I accidentally had my father ID number and his password but unfortunately they well send a message to his number in Jeddah and I will be exposed! In addition, what saddens me more the huge amount of sickening control of our life, in details, everything is controlled, like: what countries allowed to visit? From when to when, do you want to receive a message when your daughter or wife is going to travel outside of Saudi Arabia borders? They didn’t left a chance for us to be a complete citizens of a country or with absolute rights.

I may was considered narcissistic but I’m now the wounded bird with a broken ego and questionable intelligence. It looks they win for a while cause it seems easier to use the sensational world in defining a person, to expose him, to detach him from his own principles, a vulnerable soul. It seems devices/technology are better in judging a human being, from what he smells, eat, read to listen. An approachable thoughts and forgotten privacy, this teaches me to re-find my identity and replace my dignity, it teaches me never to be less when you can have it all.

November: Crimson sun

It’s November, the weather is still hot but it will surely get cold on the end of the month. I can’t wait to start studying again. Everything was pure on a day before sunsets, and I’m trying to restore that solid moments of happiness. The leaves are fallen and prepare it self to a new cycle. I’m going to write with my tears, I don’t have other time to live. It’s time to bring the best in us, live wholly and truly. We are still young and I want to age gracefully, shine brighter through the years. It’s a vision that I created for myself, I want to live through pressed flowers, lavender breath, sweet November air with smells of books and fruits on a rainy day. It’s the sensational life that we observe first and what lie a head it’s a reflection of the mind, in its essence and its complexity. I want to write so I can see myself on papers; diagnose myself and find my identity between the letters. It’s for you who I write and me who I see. So, open your eyes gently and breath under the oak tree, you’re the king of your path. It’s you who I dream of, your lips presses against mine, you smell of oud and umber on jasmine, you told me you will never leave me, you told me I was like honey, years gone by now and I knew with time as it passes by that I will never here your voice again. Here I am covering my eyes with one hand in an empty room full of only darkness, I don’t want to hear voice, I don’t want to hear a voice.

October: The reality you imposed on me

Thursday, 5th of October, the journey began, I have finally established a physical identity for me, I will receive my ID card after a week. Then, I will open a bank account and finally find a job, I need more than 4000 s. r. per month. I couldn’t imagine things will work for me easily and I don’t want to spent another five years in my country. I will plan to graduate and travel to live abroad. My condolences for everyone felt and live what I’ve been through, governments can use fatal equipments and cruel actions just to prevent any threat possible, even when it doesn’t exist! I can say my reality wasn’t how I wanted, they’ve imposed the hate, anger, insecurity feelings and many other things, I wasn’t me, I wasn’t myself, trouble seems to find me everywhere. Thursday, 12th October, I finally received my books from London and it’s all for Nabokov; Lolita, pale fire and collected poems. I’m currently reading “ I don’t want this poem to end “ for Mahmoud Darwish for the first time and I can’t wait to read the rest! It’s going to be morning tomorrow and I will start my day with a poem, surely it’s going to be the dice player, one of my all time favorites. Friday, 13th of October, I just registered in Athabasca University to take an online bachelor degree in human science, it can be a pre-medicine course as well in different Canadian universities. I’m so happy, there was a weight and it’s completely gone, I will study it in four years, hopefully, I will graduate before 2022 and I’m always changing my plans as usual. Tuesday, 17th of October. Unfortunately, the program is too expensive and I can’t afford it, it’s more than 200, 000 s. r. Anyway, I found an alternate solution. I’m going to study psychology so I can later complete my degree in clinical psychology. I search a lot about online degrees and I found the best is in California Coast University with the best fee plans ever. Friday, 20 October, I’m certain that I’ve changed a lot through the years. I made mistakes, I learn, I grow. Although nothing is certain, there’s amount of hope laying down in my heart and here’s to another beginning for it’s almost the end of the year. I’ve been through a lot of struggles in my college, I studied biology for semester and I made a big mistake when I didn’t study medicine and I transferred to study economics instead. I can call this an endless mourn for me, I would specializes in psychiatry if it happens and I studied medicine so I found a good balance that I will start a refreshing career in psychology and I will hopefully take the master degree in clinical psychology. I have hopes and I will start my online experience soon.

September: A scholar rituals

Sunday, 3rd of September, I guess I achieved a lot in my life on mental and spiritual level, being an empowered individual and targeted in the same time is an achievement in itself. I talk to a strange person, I didn’t knew very well and he told me that your innocent face and rounded eye glasses reminds me of the ancient city of Paris. So, the old habits is back, the one who used to harasses me is here again, they can’t leave me alone, with my own burden of living, they can’t leave me with the thorn in my side.

Saturday, 16th of September, I was preparing to start attending school this year but unfortunately I’ve had many issues will let me delay it until next semester. It’s totally fine with me, I guess I will graduate in 2020 and I will complete the master hopefully in international relations. Tuesday, 19th of September, I have experienced many hurtful situations, I’ve bled silently, I’m not a feeler, I’ve been through many struggles, I’ve faced my fears and stands in the dark alone. I’ve always been into romanticism and I’ve always escaped to it. I’m currently reading “Memoirs of a Dutiful Daughter” and Simone de Beauvoir’s simple language full of knowledge didn’t surprises me, it was such an inspiration and my ultimate passion and desire is to create such a vision in my own diaries.

Wednesday, 27th of September, they’ve known who I am before me knowing myself, from a very long time. I’ve had my worst dreams and fears and they were with me silently watching. I hated everything, I wanted everything, I’ve actually had everything except peace of mind. Friday, 29th of September, lying in my bed, rearranging many things, loving the small moments of autumn and preparing for winter. I still keep remembering what I’ve been through and what happened with me between the hands of Saudi government. I still have hope and I dream of a better future for all of us.

February: Shimmering space

I must hurt you so good to reveal all this madness and ugliness. some people feels the insults deeply and they can’t forget when they get hurt. I get punished once for insulting someone for 3 years of my life, and I don’t know if he will still keep punishing me. First days of this month I was blogging a lot of shit on tumblr and I read many remarks for Hermann Hesse and Vladimir Nabokov. I’ve watched the danish girl it’s really beautiful and deeply breathtaking, so romantic and peaceful and the real painter Einar Wegener is a true hero. Monday, 6th of February, the weather is cold and sullen today, 14 degrees in the morning. Me, drinking coffee and touching my glasses and I feel like a real writer, I want to buy a typewriter one day so I can complete the image I’ve drawn in my imagination for myself. I want to write a thousand word in this month and hope for every month, just like September of 2016. It’s not a word race more than a mind trace, I want to organize my thoughts and experience writing many words on a paper and finally I’m finished for today. Tuesday, 7th of February, I was talking to an Egyptian man on Facebook, from long time I didn’t talk to someone and he’s a civil engineer by day and music producer by night. He made a beautiful song dedicated to me and he named it ” Ode to Somayah” I really loved it and he’s absolutely talented. We’ve shared photos of each other and I was shocked because he was black and I’ve never been in a relationship with a black person, although he likes me a lot but I’m sure that we will never be more than friends since I have enormous troubles with a black guy I’ve mentioned before in my previous journals.
Wednesday, 8th of February and there is a new guy I’m obsessed with right now, I add him on Snapchat few days ago. His name is Faisal Alghazzwi he’s a public figure and certified stylist beside being a brands ambassador, he’s so funny on his snaps and I really like watching and enjoying his social media accounts, he’s very captivating and he has the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen, I don’t want to forget to mention that he’s Saudi and his zodiac sign is Aries and finally he lives in Jeddah, he made my day and thank your for making us smile with you. Saturday, 11th of February, today, I’m breathing and happy that I’m a live. I’m going to enjoy these small moments and I’m going to live in the moment without worries of tomorrow. I’m not going to carry the past for I’m a new person everyday, I’m not going to ask for more or less, I’m going to avoid distractions and I don’t want anything to disturb me in my journey through life. Tuesday, 14th of February is a rainy day with lots of memories and laughs. I read many citations for the poetic of space by Gaston Bachelard and this book is on my reading list. I remark, “We comfort ourselves by reliving memories of protection. Something closed must retain our memories, while leaving them their original value as images. Memories of the outside world will never have the same tonality as those of home and, by recalling these memories, we add to our store of dreams; we are never real historians, but always near poets, and our emotion is perhaps nothing but an expression of a poetry that was lost.” And here he said: “And all the spaces of our past moments of solitude, the spaces in which we have suffered from solitude, enjoyed, desired, and compromised solitude, remain indelible within us and precisely because the human being wants them to remain so. He knows instinctively that this space identified with his solitude is creative; that even when it is forever expunged from the present, when, henceforth, it is alien to all the promises of the future, even when we no longer have a garret, when the attic room is lost and gone, there remains the fact that we once loved a garret, once lived in an attic. We return to them in our night dreams. These retreats have the value of a shell. And when we reach the very end of the labyrinths of sleep, when we attain to the regions of deep slumber, we may perhaps experience a type of repose that is pre-human; pre-human, in this case, approaching the immemorial. But in the daydream itself, the recollection of moments of confined, simple, shut-in space are experiences of heartwarming space, of a space that does not seek to become extended, but would like above all still to be possessed. In the past, the attic may have seemed too small, it may have seemed cold in winter and hot in summer. Now, however, in memory recaptured through daydreams, it is hard to say through what syncretism the attic is at once small and large, warm and cool, always comforting.” I’m in love with his poetic language and atmosphere, since we’re in Valentine’s Day, philosophy seemed glimmering in a new uniform; in his words and works. Monday, 20 of February, “you get ready you get all dressed up to go nowhere in particular, back to work or the coffee shop doesn’t matter cause it’s enough to be young and in love” Lana’s new single, I didn’t like it that much, she actually released it on 19th of February. It has her touch and like most of her song’s lyrics: young, dressed up, party dress, cruise, blues, crazy and so on. Hope I can complete more than 20 book this year, I usually read around this amount per year but this time I want to raise my attic.

January: The light slowly diminished

Monday, 2nd of January, It’s 9:58 a.m. and I’ve just dropped my file from university, I was late, I was giving myself a chance, I was thinking a lot but their is no way else. It’s done now and I’m trying to re-plan many things ahead. First of all, I would focus on photography more and try to find a job in this field. I need money at this moment, and fortunately there is an opportunity for me in company belongs to a friend of my mother. Later, I will try to fix my academic situation, I don’t know if I want to complete my bachelors degree here in Saudi Arabia, I prefer abroad although it’s difficult. I’ve never thought that life would end up like this, I learned from my mistakes and hope I would be able to recover from these sad moments. After that, I couldn’t heir anything but my mom’s screams, I woke up and slept on my mom screaming, why? Because of my file, she want to make me study again, she’s not satisfied without me coming back to school. Tuesday, 3rd of January, we ‘me, my brother and sister’ went out to a public park, we enjoyed eating and drinking, the weather was beautiful and fresh air was what really need at that time. Wednesday, 11th of January I started reading finding a form for William h. Gass, I will take few remarks to record if I have a time, of course. Thursday, 12th of January I’m using the iPhone a lot! It’s like 24 hours and this is not healthy, I spend more hours on instagram, although I don’t have much photos, I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I discovered later that a lot of people had the same obsession with instagram, not only me! Saturday, 14th of January, I’m watching a documentary film about my favorite poet, Mahmoud Darwish. I didn’t know that he was married twice! And he never wanted to bring a child in his life, the Paris part was stunning, he wrote many beautiful poems in Paris, and he blooms there himself. He left this world with grace and dignity. I sawed a tv show on dw about two Afghani girls and how they live a hard life, and I just wonder how religion restrict us from looking abroad and striving for change, it makes us satisfied or whatever they say it with life, not asking for more, and that will prevent improvements, this is why they call us third world. And one of the biggest Issues of the third world country’s are religion. Wednesday, 18th of January, I have the right to live, I have the right to die whenever I want to, I have the right to say that I want to live, I have the right to live according to my rules and principles, I have the right to ask and speak, I have the right to fall and rise again, I have the right to be alone, I have the right to leave me on my own, I have the right when I have the right to tell that I have rights, and you must respect that I have rights, I have a rights although I don’t know it yet. Friday, 20 of January, it’s just a question comes to mind, and I wanted to write it down here; how we can measure someone’s worth? Is it about fame or is it about money? Isn’t about beauty? And how we can measure also beauty? I guess it’s a very divergent subject and need some time to work on it. Monday, 23rd of January, I can’t believe I have to tell that no one is worthless, no one is pointless, no one is flawless we do mistakes and we have to adjust with this to better our selfs. It’s human nature, I’m not worthless because I did some stupid silly mistake on the internet! it’s not a crime for gods sake, but some people are meant for reminding you of flaws you never did. Thursday, 26th of January, I’m full of hope although I’m not living the life I want, I’m full of dreams, empty days, and sorrow. The life I have is dark on me and I just can’t give up life but we have always to adapt and create something beautiful we can hold up to. I want something bright, sunny days by the ocean, open space and a lot of melodies. The life I want is not heavy on my shoulder, it’s me, it’s not them, it’s not the bad days and sickness of smoke everywhere. I don’t see but smoke, the light slowly diminished. Monday, 30 of January, we went to a local park and eat lunch their, we went walking for about two hours and then we came back home. I can’t imagine how tomorrow will be but I can promise myself to live every moment.