Thursday, 17th of August, I have always seen myself as a kid with big hopes and secrets, and I couldn’t handle the worn beliefs nor the rotten beating heart of a human being. In my early years of consciousness I loved my experiences in reading philosophy, I remember reading for the first time to Schopenhauer and later to Nietzsche and I’ve followed blindly what they’ve said although at times I had different opinions. I can’t deny my love for Jesus character, his elegance of being a good man and I’ve sadly wanted to hold a cross necklace one day to represent my appreciation and love for such a great tortured soul. I’ve born in a strictly Muslim family, my father is religiously fanatic and my mother too. Since my childhood; I’ve never found the answer in religion nor praying and I’ve abandoned questioning god. Saturday, 20 of August “kiss me hard before you go, summer time sadness” it’s just the perfect time to say goodbye to summer and this line is from one of my favorite songs of all time. Don’t worry darling, enjoy your days and remember they hate you because they cannot be you, they harasses you because it’s the stupid way of human nature. Don’t worry, you are different, you are pure and beautiful and with this beauty you can create and change the world around you. Tuesday, 22nd of August, I realized that anger leads to no where and noise comes from an empty mind. There’s no way to control our future but through planning, caring about your surroundings is a necessity and do not forget nurturing your soul with knowledge. In my hospital days, I became more and more silent, you almost can never here the heavy sound of my breath, my silence is something many people that surrounds me noticed it. As much as I liked silence, I loved hearing different voices, one of the patients in hospital was singing a strange song, she always repeated it and I kind of heard the sound of the universe in her tunes. Thursday, 24th of August, I don’t want to be smart nor clever, I want to be dumb, dump human being, I want to be stupid bravery and integrity. I don’t want your evil intelligence! Sunday, 27th of August, I was living in a society that full of flaws, I raised in an environment where women’s are attacked harshly and disrespectfully when she does any mistake. I see myself grows as a perfectionist and literally didn’t want anybody to get to me, I failed in many ways.
It’s 12:26 pm Tuesday 11th of April and I’m drinking coffee and listening to La boheme by Charles Aznavour, thinking about my mom and how she reached a level where we can’t provide any help, sadly to note that she totally lost her mind, she gone insane and I didn’t want to talk about that in my diaries but I must let it out and just speak about it. She imagines that she is eating bugs and filthy things, she thinks that everyone comes around our home is a magician or a witch and they want to hurt her. Wednesday, 12th of April 2:33 French melodies in my ear again, drinking green tea, time flies, years gone by, the memories are the only thing that remains. I don’t know what to do for my mom, of course I won’t tell her you are insane! But I will try to be diplomatic always, and do whatever she wants me to do, if it makes her happier and satisfied, I don’t know if I mentioned this in my previous journals but I started working for oriflame company, it’s Swedish and they produce and provide us with 100% natural cosmetics and skincare products. Thursday, 13th of April, I realized how much I changed through years, I’m not who I am when I was 17 or even last year, I became more aware of art and beauty, I started enjoying music more, searching for painters and loving Vilhelm Hammersoi paintings while I was a mad communist in my teenage years! I feel me in every detail and tune, I feel myself when I’m around the sunshine and seas surrounding me, I feel who I am in every deep breath and existential moment.
Saturday, 15th of April, and back at home again after one day spent in hospital with my mom, hope she will be fine as soon as possible. She’s old know and needs tens-full caring routine, hope I would be able to return a little bit of what she have done to us all this years, I love you mom although you are horrible and unbearable sometimes. Sunday, 16th of April, hearing an excerpt audio recorded of a speech given by Noam Chomsky in June 1998 in Canada, its incredible and absolutely helpful in my field, after that I watched a 1:55 hour conversation on privacy, between Noam Chomsky, Edward Snowden and Glenn Greenwald, revealing all secrets of government behavior against its citizens. I don’t ask for help from anyone, I’ve never done this and I will never do it. I won’t expect something from anyone, even the closest people to me, my father, the closed minded, thus he will never understand what a human being is and what does human rights means, or what’s the horrible actions that was done by our government, he will never understand the right to a free mind, privacy like Snowden said once. I will be able to stand on my own feet one day stronger. Yesterday, I finished a book for Mikhail Niamey and it was so beautiful and beyond description, I can classify it under philosophy but it’s more than that and I learned from it a lot.
Thursday, 27th of April is a very special day to me, today I met my first love, my one and only, the love of my life, a page that will never be folded, no matter how years pass and no matter how we grow old and our memories grow with us. On this day last year, we talked, and we kissed, we made love and we left ourselves to be carried to the unknown. My dearest love, wherever you are, I send you warm regards as the sun’s heat over the ocean.
Days ago, I’ve been instantly surprised by a confession from a friend on the internet, he’s 26 years old, Taurus, writer and poet, and he lives in Alqatif, Alsharqiyah, Saudi Arabia. Give me a chance with you, he said, I want to be with you, he said. I told him: I’m not ready for a relationship at the moment and I will be around if you wanted to talk, he wasn’t satisfied with that and he said: I want to see you, I told him: I send you pictures of me it’s not enough? And he replies with yes, it’s not enough! And I am now in a very embarrassing situation, I don’t know what should I tell him, I don’t want to break his feelings or his heart and he already knew that I don’t care about him! I will let things to go and to take its normal place through time, I’m drifting in this life, I don’t know where to go or what to seek.
Wednesday 8th of March, Here is gone a week now, without writing a word, I want to discuss the meaning of home this month but I don’t know if I will actually do it. Sometimes or a lot of times I’m totally bored, during long periods of the day. Sitting, watching tv programs and sometimes movies, playing chess or on social media apps in my phone. I didn’t meditate from a month maybe, I lost some weight and I feel thinner and lighter. My diary title this month is inspired by the usual smell of our home that we live in daily. Thursday 9th of March, Today marks the birth of a legendary chess champion and a big inspiration to me. Bobby Fischer we love you and you may Rest In Peace. Friday 10th of March, today was calm and sunny, I got up early, drinking hot green tea and listening to an old Bahraini folk song. I’m currently searching and watching pictures of many palaces around the world, home decoration inspired by the Victorian lifestyle, it’s fascinated me specially, that I’m a big fan of the minimalism movement and everything came later from contemporary arts and cultures, and I seriously want my home dreams to be Victorian and almost like a palace, and who doesn’t? Saturday, 18th of March, I had a vision of completely wonderful words, yesterday before sleeping and I totally forgot it when I got up. It’s just a line or maybe a sentence but i totally forget it, I’m trying to remember know hopefully it will come out to my mind later. Days are calm by the air, listening to killing joke for the first time from a while. Love them, and they will always be my all time favorites.
Teusday 21st of March, Depeche Mode released their new album ‘spirit’ this month and its absolutely incredible. I loved two songs the most from the album, the first is going backwards and it talks about technology and its bad use against humanity and how we’re going back to ‘man cave mentality’ by this, and it’s reminded me of what happened with me on hands of my government and how Edward Snowden reveals this secret project, I don’t remember it’s name and I don’t have a lot of information on USA’s project but in my case I know that they know everything about me. The second song is titled as ‘so much love’ and it talks about other human interactions, sufferings, pain and how after all this, there is no love. The album has the usual Depeche Mode atmosphere with a lot of electronics sound, after all, I gave it 8/10 rate. Monday, 27th of March, calm mornings, reading a lot of poems in the early hours, for Sylvia Plath, Anne Carson and Ted Hughes. Wednesday, 29th of March, at the end of this month, lovely moments are spent on learning French, listening to classical music, Dmitri Shostakovich precisely, and watching romantic films such as Lolita and An education and here is some remarks of Nabokov’s incredible classic, Lolita, beside fragments of the film’s script that was released in 1997.
She was “Lo”, plain “Lo” in the morning…
standing four-feet-ten in one sock.
She was “Lola” in slacks, she was “Dolly” at school…
she was “Dolores” on the dotted line.
In my arms she was always…
Light of my life…
fire of my loins.
My sin… my soul.
Gentlewomen of the jury…
If my happiness could’ve talked…
It would have filled that hotel with a deafening roar.
My only regret…
is that I did not immediately deposit key number 342 at the office and leave the town, the country, the planet, that very night.
“The Lord knows all, the Lord sees all, the Lord forgives all.”
Despite all that… I was in paradise.
Paradise whose skies were the color of hellflames.
But a paradise, still.
I looked and looked at her,
and I knew as clearly as I know that I will die… that I loved her more than anything I’d ever seen or imagined on earth.
She was only the dead leaf echo of the nymphet from long ago, but I loved her; this Lolita, pale and polluted, and big with another man’s child. She would fade and wither, I didn’t care. I would still go mad with tenderness… at the mere sight of her face.
Away from romanticism, there is a book I’ve always wanted to read, specially after reading ‘Chaos: making a new science’ to James Gleick before, in translated version of course, this book is breathtaking and brilliant and it’s titled ‘ The information: a history, a theory, a flood’ I’ve searched many websites to find an Arabic PDF version but unfortunately it’s not translated yet, so I was reading few remarks from the book and here it’s.
“For the purposes of science, information had to mean something special. Three centuries earlier, the new discipline of physics could not proceed until Isaac Newton appropriated words that were ancient and vague—force, mass, motion, and even time—and gave them new meanings. Newton made these terms into quantities, suitable for use in mathematical formulas. Until then, motion (for example) had been just as soft and inclusive a term as information. For Aristotelians, motion covered a far-flung family of phenomena: a peach ripening, a stone falling, a child growing, a body decaying. That was too rich. Most varieties of motion had to be tossed out before Newton’s laws could apply and the Scientific Revolution could succeed. In the nineteenth century, energy began to undergo a similar transformation: natural philosophers adapted a word meaning vigor or intensity. They mathematicized it, giving energy its fundamental place in the physicists’ view of nature. It was the same with information. A rite of purification became necessary. And then, when it was made simple, distilled, counted in bits, information was found to be everywhere.”
“Logic might be imagined to exist independent of writing—syllogisms can be spoken as well as written—but it did not. Speech is too fleeting to allow for analysis. Logic descended from the written word, in Greece as well as India and China, where it developed independently. Logic turns the act of abstraction into a tool for determining what is true and what is false: truth can be discovered in words alone, apart from concrete experience. Logic takes its form in chains: sequences whose members connect one to another. Conclusions follow from premises. These require a degree of constancy. They have no power unless people can examine and evaluate them. In contrast, an oral narrative proceeds by accretion, the words passing by in a line of parade past the viewing stand, briefly present and then gone, interacting with one another via memory and association.”
“The macromolecules of organic life embody information in an intricate structure. A single hemoglobin molecule comprises four chains of polypeptides, two with 141 amino acids and two with 146, in strict linear sequence, bonded and folded together. Atoms of hydrogen, oxygen, carbon, and iron could mingle randomly for the lifetime of the universe and be no more likely to form hemoglobin than the proverbial chimpanzees to type the works of Shakespeare. Their genesis requires energy; they are built up from simpler, less patterned parts, and the law of entropy applies. For earthly life, the energy comes as photons from the sun. The information comes via evolution. ”
“Evolution itself embodies an ongoing exchange of information between organism and environment …. The gene has its cultural analog, too: the meme. In cultural evolution, a meme is a replicator and propagator — an idea, a fashion, a chain letter, or a conspiracy theory. On a bad day, a meme is a virus.”
It’s not like reading poetry in English, I really need an Arabic version, I re-read it few times so I make sure that I understand what he’s saying but I can see that’s well written for an English speaker and I wanted to read it, specially that the subject is very interesting to me. Hopefully, they will translate it in the few coming years.
I must hurt you so good to reveal all this madness and ugliness. some people feels the insults deeply and they can’t forget when they get hurt. I get punished once for insulting someone for 3 years of my life, and I don’t know if he will still keep punishing me. First days of this month I was blogging a lot of shit on tumblr and I read many remarks for Hermann Hesse and Vladimir Nabokov. I’ve watched the danish girl it’s really beautiful and deeply breathtaking, so romantic and peaceful and the real painter Einar Wegener is a true hero. Monday, 6th of February, the weather is cold and sullen today, 14 degrees in the morning. Me, drinking coffee and touching my glasses and I feel like a real writer, I want to buy a typewriter one day so I can complete the image I’ve drawn in my imagination for myself. I want to write a thousand word in this month and hope for every month, just like September of 2016. It’s not a word race more than a mind trace, I want to organize my thoughts and experience writing many words on a paper and finally I’m finished for today. Tuesday, 7th of February, I was talking to an Egyptian man on Facebook, from long time I didn’t talk to someone and he’s a civil engineer by day and music producer by night. He made a beautiful song dedicated to me and he named it ” Ode to Somayah” I really loved it and he’s absolutely talented. We’ve shared photos of each other and I was shocked because he was black and I’ve never been in a relationship with a black person, although he likes me a lot but I’m sure that we will never be more than friends since I have enormous troubles with a black guy I’ve mentioned before in my previous journals. Saturday, 11th of February, today, I’m breathing and happy that I’m a live. I’m going to enjoy these small moments and I’m going to live in the moment without worries of tomorrow. I’m not going to carry the past for I’m a new person everyday, I’m not going to ask for more or less, I’m going to avoid distractions and I don’t want anything to disturb me in my journey through life. Tuesday, 14th of February is a rainy day with lots of memories and laughs. I read many citations for the poetic of space by Gaston Bachelard and this book is on my reading list. I remark, “We comfort ourselves by reliving memories of protection. Something closed must retain our memories, while leaving them their original value as images. Memories of the outside world will never have the same tonality as those of home and, by recalling these memories, we add to our store of dreams; we are never real historians, but always near poets, and our emotion is perhaps nothing but an expression of a poetry that was lost.” And here he said: “And all the spaces of our past moments of solitude, the spaces in which we have suffered from solitude, enjoyed, desired, and compromised solitude, remain indelible within us and precisely because the human being wants them to remain so. He knows instinctively that this space identified with his solitude is creative; that even when it is forever expunged from the present, when, henceforth, it is alien to all the promises of the future, even when we no longer have a garret, when the attic room is lost and gone, there remains the fact that we once loved a garret, once lived in an attic. We return to them in our night dreams. These retreats have the value of a shell. And when we reach the very end of the labyrinths of sleep, when we attain to the regions of deep slumber, we may perhaps experience a type of repose that is pre-human; pre-human, in this case, approaching the immemorial. But in the daydream itself, the recollection of moments of confined, simple, shut-in space are experiences of heartwarming space, of a space that does not seek to become extended, but would like above all still to be possessed. In the past, the attic may have seemed too small, it may have seemed cold in winter and hot in summer. Now, however, in memory recaptured through daydreams, it is hard to say through what syncretism the attic is at once small and large, warm and cool, always comforting.” I’m in love with his poetic language and atmosphere, since we’re in Valentine’s Day, philosophy seemed glimmering in a new uniform; in his words and works. Monday, 20 of February, “you get ready you get all dressed up to go nowhere in particular, back to work or the coffee shop doesn’t matter cause it’s enough to be young and in love” Lana’s new single, I didn’t like it that much, she actually released it on 19th of February. It has her touch and like most of her song’s lyrics: young, dressed up, party dress, cruise, blues, crazy and so on. Hope I can complete more than 20 book this year, I usually read around this amount per year but this time I want to raise my attic.
Monday, 2nd of January, It’s 9:58 a.m. and I’ve just dropped my file from university, I was late, I was giving myself a chance, I was thinking a lot but their is no way else. It’s done now and I’m trying to re-plan many things ahead. First of all, I would focus on photography more and try to find a job in this field. I need money at this moment, and fortunately there is an opportunity for me in company belongs to a friend of my mother. Later, I will try to fix my academic situation, I don’t know if I want to complete my bachelors degree here in Saudi Arabia, I prefer abroad although it’s difficult. I’ve never thought that life would end up like this, I learned from my mistakes and hope I would be able to recover from these sad moments. After that, I couldn’t heir anything but my mom’s screams, I woke up and slept on my mom screaming, why? Because of my file, she want to make me study again, she’s not satisfied without me coming back to school. Tuesday, 3rd of January, we ‘me, my brother and sister’ went out to a public park, we enjoyed eating and drinking, the weather was beautiful and fresh air was what really need at that time. Wednesday, 11th of January I started reading finding a form for William h. Gass, I will take few remarks to record if I have a time, of course. Thursday, 12th of January I’m using the iPhone a lot! It’s like 24 hours and this is not healthy, I spend more hours on instagram, although I don’t have much photos, I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I discovered later that a lot of people had the same obsession with instagram, not only me! Saturday, 14th of January, I’m watching a documentary film about my favorite poet, Mahmoud Darwish. I didn’t know that he was married twice! And he never wanted to bring a child in his life, the Paris part was stunning, he wrote many beautiful poems in Paris, and he blooms there himself. He left this world with grace and dignity. I sawed a tv show on dw about two Afghani girls and how they live a hard life, and I just wonder how religion restrict us from looking abroad and striving for change, it makes us satisfied or whatever they say it with life, not asking for more, and that will prevent improvements, this is why they call us third world. And one of the biggest Issues of the third world country’s are religion. Wednesday, 18th of January, I have the right to live, I have the right to die whenever I want to, I have the right to say that I want to live, I have the right to live according to my rules and principles, I have the right to ask and speak, I have the right to fall and rise again, I have the right to be alone, I have the right to leave me on my own, I have the right when I have the right to tell that I have rights, and you must respect that I have rights, I have a rights although I don’t know it yet. Friday, 20 of January, it’s just a question comes to mind, and I wanted to write it down here; how we can measure someone’s worth? Is it about fame or is it about money? Isn’t about beauty? And how we can measure also beauty? I guess it’s a very divergent subject and need some time to work on it. Monday, 23rd of January, I can’t believe I have to tell that no one is worthless, no one is pointless, no one is flawless we do mistakes and we have to adjust with this to better our selfs. It’s human nature, I’m not worthless because I did some stupid silly mistake on the internet! it’s not a crime for gods sake, but some people are meant for reminding you of flaws you never did. Thursday, 26th of January, I’m full of hope although I’m not living the life I want, I’m full of dreams, empty days, and sorrow. The life I have is dark on me and I just can’t give up life but we have always to adapt and create something beautiful we can hold up to. I want something bright, sunny days by the ocean, open space and a lot of melodies. The life I want is not heavy on my shoulder, it’s me, it’s not them, it’s not the bad days and sickness of smoke everywhere. I don’t see but smoke, the light slowly diminished. Monday, 30 of January, we went to a local park and eat lunch their, we went walking for about two hours and then we came back home. I can’t imagine how tomorrow will be but I can promise myself to live every moment.
It’s the end of the year and the weather is cold and bold, winter is charming and promising with fortunate end. Don’t try to reach me and I won’t try to reach you. It’s 2nd of December and we’re rolling around Riyadh streets, we went to jarir bookstore to buy a phone for my mom, then we stopped to drink some coffee in a local coffee shop. I’m afraid of being a bovine after a long period of taking risperdal, I was reading a few of its side effects and it’s scared the hell out of me.
Thursday 8th of December, I might go out, to have a little bit of fun. I love writing with these new collection of pens, they’re useful and enjoyable! Unfortunately, I’ve had nothing left of my medication bromocripten or something like that. I feel like my poor writing bothers me, I have so much thoughts, and besides that, limited words. Blah! Saturday 10th of December, I’m in home taking time to read and enjoy a cup of coffee or hot chocolate, mornings are quite and peaceful. It’s hard to make something of your own in this technology world and it doesn’t mean I’m against technologies, but I’m with reducing our use time to certain devices for our own happiness. People get busy all the time on phones and I’m one of them, this is not a healthy attitude. Sunday, 11th of December, I went to hospital today, and I took my medicines from their. The responsible doctor on me from now and on is Faridah and I don’t like her. I must be objective about my opinions because this is how I like my judgement sound to be, but we can’t overlook some personal points or feelings. I feel good today, I put some coffee on oven, breathing slowly for a new hope. Wednesday 14th of December, I get up early, feeling lazy, I cleaned the dishes. I eat breakfast on 11:25 a.m. and dinner will be ready on 2:00 p.m. when my sister comes from school. Sunday, 25th of December, I’m questioning my self, why would a person stand between you and happiness. Why would he break your wings and burn you a life. They want to control you so much until they forget they don’t own anything and they are the true losers in the end. The only sad thing in this life is to let go of happiness once you hold it in your hands.
Every time I try to understand my feelings, I fail. Every time I try to love unconditionally, I can’t. Feelings aren’t for me to be grasp. I wish things will back again to its proper place, because we are trying to move to another apartment or villa soon. Hopefully, things will be considered from now and on.
Monday, 26th of December, I had an appointment in hospital with my doctor, everything was alright, I told her I’m thinking about traveling to my dad in Jeddah and she gives me another appointment after month, in January this time. So, I will start taking 2ml of risperdal only until I stop eating it. If that black guy is reading my journals I’m telling ya, son of a bitch: you use your knowledge to fulfill an emotional need, and you said you’re not an emotional person! This is my Christmas present from me to you, hope you die soon motherfucker. I will be happy once again and I will forget all the painful memories, I will be free as free as the wind. Friday, 30 of December, I will never let to small minded to ruin my life again, with their stupid behavior and overwhelming emotions that will lead definitely to brute actions, by feeding their useless uncontrollable anger. They think they’re smart enough to take their rights by force but guess what; they will strangled them selfs sooner or later by their own hands. Tuesday, 31 of December, I should work hard on not making another bad decision, I have many wishes and hopes for the new year, and I hope things will be alright.
I don’t have to feel this way, another year is gone without my case being solved, I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but I guess I will travel to my dad in Jeddah. I realized how small I am when I couldn’t and I can’t help people’s of Aleppo and the whole Syrian territories. I have nothing to give them but praying, in praying for them, praying for no god, we’re all praying for them and for our selfs as humans. Things are difficult not only for us, but to the whole world to come; you’re meant for struggle.
On Tuesday 1st of November I received a phone call from my father, around 2:00 p.m. telling me he will come soon to see me. On the other hand, doctors assessments were around where is the psycho therapist? And why she didn’t sat with her? until now and for a behavioral reasons! The behavioral therapy due to my escape tendency and I must admit that I will stay for another month. I’m tired, I’m not tired. Things goes double and triple with me. and I don’t even know how or why. Things goes unsaid and silent. I don’t feel better than who’s worse than me, and I don’t adjust by that with my situation. I’m in trouble and I have to face that alone. Everything is countable and don’t ask me what that means? I don’t write for others, I’m writing for myself and for time, for the past and the future. Writing carefully and carelessly. I’ll have to give back the borrowed pen for that Indian nurse. I’m eating loacker biscuits with vanilla, it’s 6:30 p.m. I met my dad and I’m waiting for dinner, after that I will sleep like every day’s routine.
On Wednesday 2nd of November, I met a psychotherapist, finally, Tagreed was good with me, she was incredibly helpful, many thanks to her beautiful soul.
On 4th of November, its the 74th day of my inhabitant in hospital. The mood is normal and stable, I’m expecting a family gathering today. My sister spoiling me with my favorite meals. Nothing much to say, same boring routine, I’m wondering when I can breathe the wild air and taste the fresh mornings, mornings of freedom, mornings full of coffee smell.
Monday 7th of November, Thursday is going to be a special day! Today the consultant dr. Aisha decided to give me a vacation for three days! ” they call it out on pass” I agreed on most of the therapeutic plan, and now I’m just going to wait.
Thursday, 10th of November weirdly I was born on this day, but it’s not my birth date ha ha! Today, I’m having a vacation after 80 days of residence. I went to my mom’s house, took a bath and long periods resting. They have prepared a light blue big box full of gifts, my sister brought to me the finest chocolate bars ever made and a beautiful blue dress. My mom brought to me a golden watch and plenty other things. It was feelings I can’t explain, thank you all for your love and patience with me. I really enjoyed this out on pass shit.
Saturday 12th of November, I went to jarir bookstore to refresh my reading times with new books, I bought four: Zen in the Art of Writing by Ray Bradbury, The Creed of a Priest of Savoy by Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Russell by A. C. Grayling, In Pursuit of Elegance by Matthew E. May.
Sunday 13th of November, I’m getting ready to came back to hospital, I feel good and I hope I won’t stay long.
Tuesday 15th of November, I took a nap after lunch and I get up playing sudoku, I eat some dates and half an orange, now I’m waiting for a phone call, then I will get back on reading Russel’s book. They say if you have nothing to say, say nothing, and I say if you have nothing to say, say anything.
On Sunday 20 of November, today I completed three months of resident in hospital. It’s a lesson I learnt, just like many before.
Monday 21st of November, I’m for discharge on Thursday of this week, but things changed! hear this, I’m for discharge today!! They talk to my father, and he told them is their any clear reason for me to stay until Thursday? He also told them I want to get her out today, and doctors agreed!
Wednesday 23rd of November, I can’t explain how I feel, I’m finally free, I breathe the wild air enormously, I hope I will get back to school soon. Today, I rearranged some plans and put a new one. I will give them a report on my health case and I will start studying at distance “from home” I don’t have to go everyday to hear or see something that will bother me. I need to focus and get things done, and lose some weight.
On 27th of November I went to alanima bank, she filled all the papers and the bad luck attended, I knew that something bad is going to happen. I didn’t wrote in my past journals (specifically in august) the reason of the fight with my brother that sent me here for three months! The reason was: I wanted a bank account, and my brother delayed me. Anyway, my brother ID card was expired from a year and she couldn’t open an account. Yes, some people would find that strange why my brother Id and the account is for me?! It’s our nation rules, and we should follow it without a question. I also went to bought some winter clothes, I want to feel warm and cozy in home forever. I’m looking for an answer, looking around me, easily distracted, I’m looking for someone, something, what’s wrong with me?
Monday 3rd October, a phone call from my mom telling me your brother came to get you out of hospital but they said the doctor must give him discharged paper. And I knew something bad is going to happen, it ain’t that easy. She told me to calm down and tomorrow she will talk to Dr. Effat, hopefully things will be okay.
Wednesday 5th of October, I just finished meeting and discussion with Dr. Effat it was good. She wrote an order a phone call and a visit. She said your mother or your brother can get you out by going to the hospital administration, it’s not a medical issue and we as doctors have no hand in that. In addition, your father can get you out in seconds. Travel wherever you want to travel and do whatever you want to do.
Monday 10th of October, I’m on page 200 from the butterfly effect. Another round was with sudanian male doctor, he make sure that my condition is stable and my residence is supported with medicines. Unfortunately, I forgot how I sorted my thoughts and how to write what happened masterfully at first time. But I think I made it clear enough to be understood. He asked me few questions and then decided to stay in hospital under observation for two or three weeks.
Thursday 13th of October, beside poetry I’m reading a book for self exploration unbelievably beautiful, colorful and full of joy. Many thanks to Dr. Anan for this dramatic change in my reading habit. Start where you are by Meera lee Patel is captivating she brought to me another two books to waste my time on.
Tuesday 18th of October, I wrote in this self exploration journal answering a question: being good despite all the pain I’m in. I will forgive who hurt me and I will forget. Despite my broken dreams I’m happy but not satisfied, I’m wounded but I’m not dead yet and I will complete my journey through this life stronger, this is what gives me light, the pain we’re in so, what about you?
Wednesday 19th of October, it’s clear to me now I’m going to drop my file from university even though I’m in half way, I made my decision after reading the art of thinking clearly by Rolf Dobelli. Dobelli explores the world of irrationality and the errors most of us do through thinking process. He said: the sunk cost fallacy is most dangerous when we have invested a lot of time, money, energy, or love in something. This investment becomes a reason to carry on, even if we’re dealing with a lost cause. The more we invest, the greater the sunk costs are, and the greater the urge to continue becomes.
On Monday 31st of October, another round and things are disturbed, I thought it was the final one, I thought it was the last, unfortunately, the consultant Dr. Aisha surprised me with no discharged, the reason behind that is the fucking psychotherapist! where the fuck she’s!? She didn’t see me, not even once. Here is the end of the month, things are ruins and I have rebuilt my hopes again.
I’ve never spent September’s nights in hospital before, I sleep in room number 3 with 5 patients with me, every one of them has its own unique story. I’m crying again, I remembered how horribly I’m living, no one gives me a helping hand, reversely they’re trying to vanish every breath of me. My goal seems far away as far as I’m thrown here for no reason. Years ago, I was fascinated by silence of the lambs, Hannibal and the woman covered with the sun. Today, I’m happily re-exploring the sacred world of William Blake through his poems. I remarked from page 635, Jerusalem: the emanation of the giant Albion ” the long sufferings of god are not forever there is a judgment ”
It’s 9th of September, and I’m eating lots of chocolate bars, candys and junk foods, although I’m not eating whole meals or carbs, but I’m afraid I will get fat. I weighted 49.4 kg when I entered hospital, it’s 51.8 kg at the moment. I don’t know why there’s trouble with the nurses in taking my blood pressure and heartbeat measures every time.
10th of September, I’m waiting for lunch on 12:00 o’clock, I slept in room number 2 and there’s 3 patients with me, one of them is Amal. Amal changes her name to Hawra, she claims that Hawra name brings good luck, she’s religiously fanatic but a very respectable woman, she’s around 42 years old, a very restricted family, married twice, and took her master degree from Chelmsford university. I’m looking through the window the sound of Adhour call for prying in my ears, I’m calm waiting when I would be able to get of here and never come back again.
12th of September, its Eid Aladha today and Muslims celebrating pilgrimage rituals and traditions, on the corner of my bed here’s my monthly readings, Einstein’s dreams a novel by Alan Lightman, there’s my silver metal glasses beside a punch of tissues, me lying on bed reading the most captivating piece of art written about time, that mysterious quantity, how we can imagine a life without time? I’m going to leave a space for remarks from certain books that interest me aside on my blog. First book will be this one, this book is full of precious information and many wise words that need a dignified pause. For memory he wrote: a world without a memory is a world of the present. The past exists only in books, in documents. In order to know himself, each person carries his own book of life. For the past he wrote: no person is whole, no person is free. Over time, some have determined that the only way to live is to die. In death, a man or a woman is free of the weight of the past. And for life he said: a life is a moment in season. A life is one snowfall, a life is one autumn day, a life is the delicate rapid edge of closing door’s shadow. A life is a brief moment of arms and of legs.
Wednesday 14th of September, there was a party for patients, I didn’t enjoy it, seconds are heavy on me, I can’t bare it anymore. Time is cruel, time is order and meaningful.
Saturday 17th of September, and ‘why have you left the horse alone’ was completed in one day. These poems carried me new every time I read it, these poems are blooms in cherry trees on a spring night, these poems by Mahmoud Darwish.
Monday 19th of September, nurses took us to the entertainment lounge, to enjoy and dance, I drink coffee and few sweets doesn’t kill anyone, we went around 10:30 a.m. and came back on 12:00 p.m. lunch was ready. It’s quarter to 2:00 p.m. and I’m eating a banana after a short discussion with Dr. Mona and my social worker. I’ve changed with this medicine, I’m better, I told to my self be strong, I told to my soul pull me together again, it’s a hard road to the top but it’s worth suffering. When I’m in fine place later in my life if it’s long; I want to laugh on these moments when I was pieces and I thought I won’t made it. For the few weeks to come, it’s a short resident and I will back to life stronger. I will solve everything by myself. I won’t stop writing but I want my words wreathed with actions, powerful with results.
I was thinking about my career choices before all this things that meant to happen, if I were a little bit stronger and carful I could be a surgeon. I can’t believe how much I have lots of wasted talents. I’ve never think about having full marks in every test but I can force myself to do that. I can be better by raising my social statue but I’ve never wanted lots of many or a materialistic life. Each month has its own feelings and atmosphere, I want to enjoy writing more than anything else.
Wednesday 21st of September, and another meeting with dr. Mona and dr. Effat. I didn’t say much, they were also quite.
Dr. Effat: how long did you sat in prison? (asked)
Me: month and 14 days (answered)
Dr. Effat: they want a report about your case and a psychological profile.
Dr. Effat: what do you think about that? did you finish your sentence period? Is there anything else?
Me: yes I did
Me: if there’s anything else, it must be my social worker; she asked my brother for papers from here, and he didn’t bring it to her.
Me: and that’s it.
Dr. Effat: thank you Somayah you may go now.
Thursday 22nd of September, its 4:00 o’clock in the evening, I just got up of sleeping, I was exhausted after a long conversation with Dr. Aisha and Dr. Effat I hope she will wrote discharged because Dr. Aisha is responsible on group B and she’s a big consultant in this hospital. She told me: tell me everything, why did you ran out of your mother’s house? What happened? From the prison until here. I told here almost everything and I’m tired now, specially after my non-attendance for the magnificent party of our national Independence Day as Saudis. On the other hand, my mom visit me today and my sister is not aloud to see me according to Dr. Effat orders. She brought an olive oil for my legs. an elegant meal from iBurger. plastic bag full of chocolates: sniker, twix, kinder bueno, mars, KitKat and much more. My personal care stuff: toothbrush, aloe vera toothpaste, and papaya soup. And finally a fresh mango juice. Dinner was around 7:15 p.m. and nurses raise the medicine from 4 to 6 ml.
Wednesday 28th of September, a phone call from my mom was around 3:00 o’clock on the evening. tears were dripping like ocean, on the other side my sister talking, powerful individual, silly game, turus, house three in horoscope, what! what! what! wait a minute! My mom also talking: you’ll get out, we will get you out of there. Me thinking about Abdulrahman, and telling my mom to take his number from my small note or my phone and talk to him and tell him, if you love Somayah come and marry her, she has no one after god but you. I want to talk to my father telling him: you don’t see your daughter going around and around herself in endless circle. Why can’t you help me, what’s going on! why you’re silent? How these people can shut you down like this, are you afraid? If so, who are these people from? Government? from the royal family? Or the intelligence services! why can’t you answer me?
Friday 30 of September, and this time the selected book were made by my sister, Omar Hamdi written by J. Kourkis. As I read more about his art and personality as I get closer to grasp and analyze my sister patterns and emotions. Search about him.
It’s difficult for me to find an inspiration, at these moments I’m trying to find tranquility. Starting to write dairies and essays with English is not easy, and I must develop my literature storage. How much it’s totally hard to believe the amount of injustice and oppression are done in this world, crimes for no reason, penalty without a felony. Recognizing, most crimes are acted against females and children, I don’t want to talk about children’s cases here, gender problems are still eating inside our genes, and their is many reasons for that. According to my research, a gender crime is a hate crime committed against a specific gender. Gender crimes includes; rape, genital mutation, forced prostitution and forced pregnancy. Some of these crimes are committed during armed conflict or during times of political instability. There are cultural factors and biological ones for those crimes. Statistics have been consistent in reporting that men commit more criminal acts than women. Burton, et al 1998 found that low levels of self control are associated with criminal activity,and many professionals in criminology and related sciences have offered explanations for this sex differences, some differing explanations include men’s evolutionary tendency toward risk and violent behavior, sex differences in activity, social support, and gender inequality.
The most prominent crime in my opinion is case of the black dhalia, she is one of the most popular unsolved cases in America, Elizabeth short was murdered and her body were sliced to two pieces, her body were naked and mutable. She was only 22 with bright blue eyes and brown hair, she was murdered in 15th of January 1947. The black tailored suit was last seen wearing become the black dhalia. There is hundreds of examples on Gender crimes and hate crimes acted against women. I’m going to tell my story on this side, a very weird one, it has no roots or beginning, it happened for no reason. He is a black man, his name is Daniel Muhammad, he works in military, I don’t know him, we’ve never met before, he’s not a friend but indeed an enemy. He claims he loves me, ha! He ruined my life and he is the reason behind me being in jail, he wage a silent war against my mind and spirit. He is from United Kingdom and he lives their. The spark were created on last.fm website, the fire still burning in time. I hate him, I hate every single detail remind me of him, this is if I remember him, he whispered silently: eternity with you, you can’t escape without me behind you, holding a knife full of tears. He is stalking me from two thousand and fourteen, now I reached a limit where I’m suffocating. He have an enormous access to all power equipments, things that manipulate people and control them, I don’t know if he can manipulate other things than people, but I’m very curious about how he can make a person think of an idea he have no control over it, I don’t know if I’m right and I didn’t done a search on that, but I guess he use a specialized satellite for this, and this thing can send a message of chemical signals to someone’s brain, then it will be translated to the desired information, finally as thought. Their is a big possibility that he or they whom using this; using a simple computer program, and satellites might not be involved.
Thursday 11th of august, I bought an iPhone 6s and two books from Jarir bookstore, the first one is the American classic: The great gatsby, the other one is the complete poems of William Blake. I’m currently on page 28 from fizgrald’s novel.
Monday 15th of august, my father sent a shipment from Jeddah to Riyadh with the ID card and I’m trying to finish my goal before January in the next year.
Tuesday 23rd of august, I was sent to Alamal complex for mental health, after a pleasant fight between me, my brother and my mom. They’ve decided that hospital is a bitter place for me.
Wednesday 24th of august I started eating risperdal and It was the worst experience in my whole life, I’ve experienced the side effects of it, my eyes were wide open, I was looking upward and I can’t control my neck movements. The nurse “Robina” gives me a cream for muscles then she called the doctor, the doctor ordered them to give me cogantien, after minutes everything became normal, and I was able to sleep.
I met a friend, her name is Shoq Alawda, she’s a 20 year old blonde, born in 2 April 1996. I get used on being here without my sister, I hope she’s doing well at home. Having a short residence in mental health hospital similar to my prison experience. I’ve never imagined that consequences and series of bad decisions will end up me here, this is related to a damaged brain or an overthinking habit! Shoq told me she has bipolar disorder and she hear voices no one else hear, she told me also she invented and designed a wheel chair with remote control, she kissed me on my forehead once, she told me I love you, I didn’t give her more than a smile.