An ordinary day of February’s cold nights at the Ritz Carlton, Riyadh! where we played bowling, billiards and ate dinner at Circle restaurant
An ordinary day of February’s cold nights at the Ritz Carlton, Riyadh! where we played bowling, billiards and ate dinner at Circle restaurant
Today, I communicate with many people living outside Saudi Arabia, I heard many stories and I’m ready to tell mine! Dr. Taleb Al Abdulmuhsen is one of them, he’s in Germany, a psychiatrist, ex-Muslim and above all anti Saudi government. I asked him that I’m seeking asylum in Sweden, he send me his website (wearesaudis.net) dedicated to Saudi immigrants problems around the world. Here’s my plan! I searched about (Absher system) that make the male guardian of any breathing Saudi female an absolute controller of her own life. She can’t dream of traveling but with a permission and what an injustice community to be living in! Beside that, the Saudi women society is full of stories of oppression from her parent or her husband, brother and above all the government. I’m going to marry someone to be my male-guardian instead my extremely religious father. He’s going to be my husband in front of an unjust system so he can prepare my passport and all my legal papers! It’s sadden me that I tried to do it on my own but I couldn’t, when I wanted to enter the Absher service, it’s said: we will send a message with a verification code to your phone number! I accidentally had my father ID number and his password but unfortunately they well send a message to his number in Jeddah and I will be exposed! In addition, what saddens me more the huge amount of sickening control of our life, in details, everything is controlled, like: what countries allowed to visit? From when to when, do you want to receive a message when your daughter or wife is going to travel outside of Saudi Arabia borders? They didn’t left a chance for us to be a complete citizens of a country or with absolute rights.
I may was considered narcissistic but I’m now the wounded bird with a broken ego and questionable intelligence. It looks they win for a while cause it seems easier to use the sensational world in defining a person, to expose him, to detach him from his own principles, a vulnerable soul. It seems devices/technology are better in judging a human being, from what he smells, eat, read to listen. An approachable thoughts and forgotten privacy, this teaches me to re-find my identity and replace my dignity, it teaches me never to be less when you can have it all.
It’s November, the weather is still hot but it will surely get cold on the end of the month. I can’t wait to start studying again. Everything was pure on a day before sunsets, and I’m trying to restore that solid moments of happiness. The leaves are fallen and prepare it self to a new cycle. I’m going to write with my tears, I don’t have other time to live. It’s time to bring the best in us, live wholly and truly. We are still young and I want to age gracefully, shine brighter through the years. It’s a vision that I created for myself, I want to live through pressed flowers, lavender breath, sweet November air with smells of books and fruits on a rainy day. It’s the sensational life that we observe first and what lie a head it’s a reflection of the mind, in its essence and its complexity. I want to write so I can see myself on papers; diagnose myself and find my identity between the letters. It’s for you who I write and me who I see. So, open your eyes gently and breath under the oak tree, you’re the king of your path. It’s you who I dream of, your lips presses against mine, you smell of oud and umber on jasmine, you told me you will never leave me, you told me I was like honey, years gone by now and I knew with time as it passes by that I will never here your voice again. Here I am covering my eyes with one hand in an empty room full of only darkness, I don’t want to hear voice, I don’t want to hear a voice.
Thursday, 5th of October, the journey began, I have finally established a physical identity for me, I will receive my ID card after a week. Then, I will open a bank account and finally find a job, I need more than 4000 s. r. per month. I couldn’t imagine things will work for me easily and I don’t want to spent another five years in my country. I will plan to graduate and travel to live abroad. My condolences for everyone felt and live what I’ve been through, governments can use fatal equipments and cruel actions just to prevent any threat possible, even when it doesn’t exist! I can say my reality wasn’t how I wanted, they’ve imposed the hate, anger, insecurity feelings and many other things, I wasn’t me, I wasn’t myself, trouble seems to find me everywhere. Thursday, 12th October, I finally received my books from London and it’s all for Nabokov; Lolita, pale fire and collected poems. I’m currently reading “ I don’t want this poem to end “ for Mahmoud Darwish for the first time and I can’t wait to read the rest! It’s going to be morning tomorrow and I will start my day with a poem, surely it’s going to be the dice player, one of my all time favorites. Friday, 13th of October, I just registered in Athabasca University to take an online bachelor degree in human science, it can be a pre-medicine course as well in different Canadian universities. I’m so happy, there was a weight and it’s completely gone, I will study it in four years, hopefully, I will graduate before 2022 and I’m always changing my plans as usual. Tuesday, 17th of October. Unfortunately, the program is too expensive and I can’t afford it, it’s more than 200, 000 s. r. Anyway, I found an alternate solution. I’m going to study psychology so I can later complete my degree in clinical psychology. I search a lot about online degrees and I found the best is in California Coast University with the best fee plans ever. Friday, 20 October, I’m certain that I’ve changed a lot through the years. I made mistakes, I learn, I grow. Although nothing is certain, there’s amount of hope laying down in my heart and here’s to another beginning for it’s almost the end of the year. I’ve been through a lot of struggles in my college, I studied biology for semester and I made a big mistake when I didn’t study medicine and I transferred to study economics instead. I can call this an endless mourn for me, I would specializes in psychiatry if it happens and I studied medicine so I found a good balance that I will start a refreshing career in psychology and I will hopefully take the master degree in clinical psychology. I have hopes and I will start my online experience soon.
Sunday, 3rd of September, I guess I achieved a lot in my life on mental and spiritual level, being an empowered individual and targeted in the same time is an achievement in itself. I talk to a strange person, I didn’t knew very well and he told me that your innocent face and rounded eye glasses reminds me of the ancient city of Paris. So, the old habits is back, the one who used to harasses me is here again, they can’t leave me alone, with my own burden of living, they can’t leave me with the thorn in my side.
Saturday, 16th of September, I was preparing to start attending school this year but unfortunately I’ve had many issues will let me delay it until next semester. It’s totally fine with me, I guess I will graduate in 2020 and I will complete the master hopefully in international relations. Tuesday, 19th of September, I have experienced many hurtful situations, I’ve bled silently, I’m not a feeler, I’ve been through many struggles, I’ve faced my fears and stands in the dark alone. I’ve always been into romanticism and I’ve always escaped to it. I’m currently reading “Memoirs of a Dutiful Daughter” and Simone de Beauvoir’s simple language full of knowledge didn’t surprises me, it was such an inspiration and my ultimate passion and desire is to create such a vision in my own diaries.
Wednesday, 27th of September, they’ve known who I am before me knowing myself, from a very long time. I’ve had my worst dreams and fears and they were with me silently watching. I hated everything, I wanted everything, I’ve actually had everything except peace of mind. Friday, 29th of September, lying in my bed, rearranging many things, loving the small moments of autumn and preparing for winter. I still keep remembering what I’ve been through and what happened with me between the hands of Saudi government. I still have hope and I dream of a better future for all of us.
Thursday, 17th of August, I have always seen myself as a kid with big hopes and secrets, and I couldn’t handle the worn beliefs nor the rotten beating heart of a human being. In my early years of consciousness I loved my experiences in reading philosophy, I remember reading for the first time to Schopenhauer and later to Nietzsche and I’ve followed blindly what they’ve said although at times I had different opinions. I can’t deny my love for Jesus character, his elegance of being a good man and I’ve sadly wanted to hold a cross necklace one day to represent my appreciation and love for such a great tortured soul. I’ve born in a strictly Muslim family, my father is religiously fanatic and my mother too. Since my childhood; I’ve never found the answer in religion nor praying and I’ve abandoned questioning god. Saturday, 20 of August “kiss me hard before you go, summer time sadness” it’s just the perfect time to say goodbye to summer and this line is from one of my favorite songs of all time. Don’t worry darling, enjoy your days and remember they hate you because they cannot be you, they harasses you because it’s the stupid way of human nature. Don’t worry, you are different, you are pure and beautiful and with this beauty you can create and change the world around you. Tuesday, 22nd of August, I realized that anger leads to no where and noise comes from an empty mind. There’s no way to control our future but through planning, caring about your surroundings is a necessity and do not forget nurturing your soul with knowledge. In my hospital days, I became more and more silent, you almost can never here the heavy sound of my breath, my silence is something many people that surrounds me noticed it. As much as I liked silence, I loved hearing different voices, one of the patients in hospital was singing a strange song, she always repeated it and I kind of heard the sound of the universe in her tunes. Thursday, 24th of August, I don’t want to be smart nor clever, I want to be dumb, dump human being, I want to be stupid bravery and integrity. I don’t want your evil intelligence! Sunday, 27th of August, I was living in a society that full of flaws, I raised in an environment where women’s are attacked harshly and disrespectfully when she does any mistake. I see myself grows as a perfectionist and literally didn’t want anybody to get to me, I failed in many ways.
It’s 12:26 pm Tuesday 11th of April and I’m drinking coffee and listening to La boheme by Charles Aznavour, thinking about my mom and how she reached a level where we can’t provide any help, sadly to note that she totally lost her mind, she gone insane and I didn’t want to talk about that in my diaries but I must let it out and just speak about it. She imagines that she is eating bugs and filthy things, she thinks that everyone comes around our home is a magician or a witch and they want to hurt her. Wednesday, 12th of April 2:33 French melodies in my ear again, drinking green tea, time flies, years gone by, the memories are the only thing that remains. I don’t know what to do for my mom, of course I won’t tell her you are insane! But I will try to be diplomatic always, and do whatever she wants me to do, if it makes her happier and satisfied, I don’t know if I mentioned this in my previous journals but I started working for oriflame company, it’s Swedish and they produce and provide us with 100% natural cosmetics and skincare products. Thursday, 13th of April, I realized how much I changed through years, I’m not who I am when I was 17 or even last year, I became more aware of art and beauty, I started enjoying music more, searching for painters and loving Vilhelm Hammersoi paintings while I was a mad communist in my teenage years! I feel me in every detail and tune, I feel myself when I’m around the sunshine and seas surrounding me, I feel who I am in every deep breath and existential moment.
Saturday, 15th of April, and back at home again after one day spent in hospital with my mom, hope she will be fine as soon as possible. She’s old know and needs tens-full caring routine, hope I would be able to return a little bit of what she have done to us all this years, I love you mom although you are horrible and unbearable sometimes. Sunday, 16th of April, hearing an excerpt audio recorded of a speech given by Noam Chomsky in June 1998 in Canada, its incredible and absolutely helpful in my field, after that I watched a 1:55 hour conversation on privacy, between Noam Chomsky, Edward Snowden and Glenn Greenwald, revealing all secrets of government behavior against its citizens. I don’t ask for help from anyone, I’ve never done this and I will never do it. I won’t expect something from anyone, even the closest people to me, my father, the closed minded, thus he will never understand what a human being is and what does human rights means, or what’s the horrible actions that was done by our government, he will never understand the right to a free mind, privacy like Snowden said once. I will be able to stand on my own feet one day stronger. Yesterday, I finished a book for Mikhail Niamey and it was so beautiful and beyond description, I can classify it under philosophy but it’s more than that and I learned from it a lot.
Thursday, 27th of April is a very special day to me, today I met my first love, my one and only, the love of my life, a page that will never be folded, no matter how years pass and no matter how we grow old and our memories grow with us. On this day last year, we talked, and we kissed, we made love and we left ourselves to be carried to the unknown. My dearest love, wherever you are, I send you warm regards as the sun’s heat over the ocean.
Days ago, I’ve been instantly surprised by a confession from a friend on the internet, he’s 26 years old, Taurus, writer and poet, and he lives in Alqatif, Alsharqiyah, Saudi Arabia. Give me a chance with you, he said, I want to be with you, he said. I told him: I’m not ready for a relationship at the moment and I will be around if you wanted to talk, he wasn’t satisfied with that and he said: I want to see you, I told him: I send you pictures of me it’s not enough? And he replies with yes, it’s not enough! And I am now in a very embarrassing situation, I don’t know what should I tell him, I don’t want to break his feelings or his heart and he already knew that I don’t care about him! I will let things to go and to take its normal place through time, I’m drifting in this life, I don’t know where to go or what to seek.