February: Shimmering space

I must hurt you so good to reveal all this madness and ugliness. some people feels the insults deeply and they can’t forget when they get hurt. I get punished once for insulting someone for 3 years of my life, and I don’t know if he will still keep punishing me. First days of this month I was blogging a lot of shit on tumblr and I read many remarks for Hermann Hesse and Vladimir Nabokov. I’ve watched the danish girl it’s really beautiful and deeply breathtaking, so romantic and peaceful and the real painter Einar Wegener is a true hero. Monday, 6th of February, the weather is cold and sullen today, 14 degrees in the morning. Me, drinking coffee and touching my glasses and I feel like a real writer, I want to buy a typewriter one day so I can complete the image I’ve drawn in my imagination for myself. I want to write a thousand word in this month and hope for every month, just like September of 2016. It’s not a word race more than a mind trace, I want to organize my thoughts and experience writing many words on a paper and finally I’m finished for today. Tuesday, 7th of February, I was talking to an Egyptian man on Facebook, from long time I didn’t talk to someone and he’s a civil engineer by day and music producer by night. He made a beautiful song dedicated to me and he named it ” Ode to Somayah” I really loved it and he’s absolutely talented. We’ve shared photos of each other and I was shocked because he was black and I’ve never been in a relationship with a black person, although he likes me a lot but I’m sure that we will never be more than friends since I have enormous troubles with a black guy I’ve mentioned before in my previous journals. Saturday, 11th of February, today, I’m breathing and happy that I’m a live. I’m going to enjoy these small moments and I’m going to live in the moment without worries of tomorrow. I’m not going to carry the past for I’m a new person everyday, I’m not going to ask for more or less, I’m going to avoid distractions and I don’t want anything to disturb me in my journey through life. Tuesday, 14th of February is a rainy day with lots of memories and laughs. I read many citations for the poetic of space by Gaston Bachelard and this book is on my reading list. I remark, “We comfort ourselves by reliving memories of protection. Something closed must retain our memories, while leaving them their original value as images. Memories of the outside world will never have the same tonality as those of home and, by recalling these memories, we add to our store of dreams; we are never real historians, but always near poets, and our emotion is perhaps nothing but an expression of a poetry that was lost.” And here he said: “And all the spaces of our past moments of solitude, the spaces in which we have suffered from solitude, enjoyed, desired, and compromised solitude, remain indelible within us and precisely because the human being wants them to remain so. He knows instinctively that this space identified with his solitude is creative; that even when it is forever expunged from the present, when, henceforth, it is alien to all the promises of the future, even when we no longer have a garret, when the attic room is lost and gone, there remains the fact that we once loved a garret, once lived in an attic. We return to them in our night dreams. These retreats have the value of a shell. And when we reach the very end of the labyrinths of sleep, when we attain to the regions of deep slumber, we may perhaps experience a type of repose that is pre-human; pre-human, in this case, approaching the immemorial. But in the daydream itself, the recollection of moments of confined, simple, shut-in space are experiences of heartwarming space, of a space that does not seek to become extended, but would like above all still to be possessed. In the past, the attic may have seemed too small, it may have seemed cold in winter and hot in summer. Now, however, in memory recaptured through daydreams, it is hard to say through what syncretism the attic is at once small and large, warm and cool, always comforting.” I’m in love with his poetic language and atmosphere, since we’re in Valentine’s Day, philosophy seemed glimmering in a new uniform; in his words and works. Monday, 20 of February, “you get ready you get all dressed up to go nowhere in particular, back to work or the coffee shop doesn’t matter cause it’s enough to be young and in love” Lana’s new single, I didn’t like it that much, she actually released it on 19th of February. It has her touch and like most of her song’s lyrics: young, dressed up, party dress, cruise, blues, crazy and so on. Hope I can complete more than 20 book this year, I usually read around this amount per year but this time I want to raise my attic.

January: The light slowly diminished

Monday, 2nd of January, It’s 9:58 a.m. and I’ve just dropped my file from university, I was late, I was giving myself a chance, I was thinking a lot but their is no way else. It’s done now and I’m trying to re-plan many things ahead. First of all, I would focus on photography more and try to find a job in this field. I need money at this moment, and fortunately there is an opportunity for me in company belongs to a friend of my mother. Later, I will try to fix my academic situation, I don’t know if I want to complete my bachelors degree here in Saudi Arabia, I prefer abroad although it’s difficult. I’ve never thought that life would end up like this, I learned from my mistakes and hope I would be able to recover from these sad moments. After that, I couldn’t heir anything but my mom’s screams, I woke up and slept on my mom screaming, why? Because of my file, she want to make me study again, she’s not satisfied without me coming back to school. Tuesday, 3rd of January, we ‘me, my brother and sister’ went out to a public park, we enjoyed eating and drinking, the weather was beautiful and fresh air was what really need at that time. Wednesday, 11th of January I started reading finding a form for William h. Gass, I will take few remarks to record if I have a time, of course. Thursday, 12th of January I’m using the iPhone a lot! It’s like 24 hours and this is not healthy, I spend more hours on instagram, although I don’t have much photos, I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I discovered later that a lot of people had the same obsession with instagram, not only me! Saturday, 14th of January, I’m watching a documentary film about my favorite poet, Mahmoud Darwish. I didn’t know that he was married twice! And he never wanted to bring a child in his life, the Paris part was stunning, he wrote many beautiful poems in Paris, and he blooms there himself. He left this world with grace and dignity. I sawed a tv show on dw about two Afghani girls and how they live a hard life, and I just wonder how religion restrict us from looking abroad and striving for change, it makes us satisfied or whatever they say it with life, not asking for more, and that will prevent improvements, this is why they call us third world. And one of the biggest Issues of the third world country’s are religion. Wednesday, 18th of January, I have the right to live, I have the right to die whenever I want to, I have the right to say that I want to live, I have the right to live according to my rules and principles, I have the right to ask and speak, I have the right to fall and rise again, I have the right to be alone, I have the right to leave me on my own, I have the right when I have the right to tell that I have rights, and you must respect that I have rights, I have a rights although I don’t know it yet. Friday, 20 of January, it’s just a question comes to mind, and I wanted to write it down here; how we can measure someone’s worth? Is it about fame or is it about money? Isn’t about beauty? And how we can measure also beauty? I guess it’s a very divergent subject and need some time to work on it. Monday, 23rd of January, I can’t believe I have to tell that no one is worthless, no one is pointless, no one is flawless we do mistakes and we have to adjust with this to better our selfs. It’s human nature, I’m not worthless because I did some stupid silly mistake on the internet! it’s not a crime for gods sake, but some people are meant for reminding you of flaws you never did. Thursday, 26th of January, I’m full of hope although I’m not living the life I want, I’m full of dreams, empty days, and sorrow. The life I have is dark on me and I just can’t give up life but we have always to adapt and create something beautiful we can hold up to. I want something bright, sunny days by the ocean, open space and a lot of melodies. The life I want is not heavy on my shoulder, it’s me, it’s not them, it’s not the bad days and sickness of smoke everywhere. I don’t see but smoke, the light slowly diminished. Monday, 30 of January, we went to a local park and eat lunch their, we went walking for about two hours and then we came back home. I can’t imagine how tomorrow will be but I can promise myself to live every moment.