1/8 is the day

I wanted to write about the moment when stopped crying every day, the moment I was free, the moment when the government decided to let us breath a bit, we as women. In 1/8/2019 the government made few adjustments on traveling documents and they state that everyone above 21 can issue a passport without agreement of his/her guardian angel. The day makes a huge impact on Saudi women’s life and many of them will still consider this day as the fall of guardianship law. Now, since I’m legally free I start sleeping better and nothing will stop me from accomplishing my dreams.

Mama, my heart only escaped

Sad to bring this upon you
You, my loved one
You, my sunshine
when I needed the light
You’re the water nature of myself
You’re the earth
when I needed to feel comfort

Mama, Hated the country
But never the home
I wanted freedom but
Never to escape

I’m stayin’ I’m leavin’
I’ll be here until
I found myself that once lost
Mama, my heart only escaped

December: The grey chapter

Today, I communicate with many people living outside Saudi Arabia, I heard many stories and I’m ready to tell mine! Dr. Taleb Al Abdulmuhsen is one of them, he’s in Germany, a psychiatrist, ex-Muslim and above all anti Saudi government. I asked him that I’m seeking asylum in Sweden, he send me his website (wearesaudis.net) dedicated to Saudi immigrants problems around the world. Here’s my plan! I searched about (Absher system) that make the male guardian of any breathing Saudi female an absolute controller of her own life. She can’t dream of traveling but with a permission and what an injustice community to be living in! Beside that, the Saudi women society is full of stories of oppression from her parent or her husband, brother and above all the government. I’m going to marry someone to be my male-guardian instead my extremely religious father. He’s going to be my husband in front of an unjust system so he can prepare my passport and all my legal papers! It’s sadden me that I tried to do it on my own but I couldn’t, when I wanted to enter the Absher service, it’s said: we will send a message with a verification code to your phone number! I accidentally had my father ID number and his password but unfortunately they well send a message to his number in Jeddah and I will be exposed! In addition, what saddens me more the huge amount of sickening control of our life, in details, everything is controlled, like: what countries allowed to visit? From when to when, do you want to receive a message when your daughter or wife is going to travel outside of Saudi Arabia borders? They didn’t left a chance for us to be a complete citizens of a country or with absolute rights.

I may was considered narcissistic but I’m now the wounded bird with a broken ego and questionable intelligence. It looks they win for a while cause it seems easier to use the sensational world in defining a person, to expose him, to detach him from his own principles, a vulnerable soul. It seems devices/technology are better in judging a human being, from what he smells, eat, read to listen. An approachable thoughts and forgotten privacy, this teaches me to re-find my identity and replace my dignity, it teaches me never to be less when you can have it all.

October: The reality you imposed on me

Thursday, 5th of October, the journey began, I have finally established a physical identity for me, I will receive my ID card after a week. Then, I will open a bank account and finally find a job, I need more than 4000 s. r. per month. I couldn’t imagine things will work for me easily and I don’t want to spent another five years in my country. I will plan to graduate and travel to live abroad. My condolences for everyone felt and live what I’ve been through, governments can use fatal equipments and cruel actions just to prevent any threat possible, even when it doesn’t exist! I can say my reality wasn’t how I wanted, they’ve imposed the hate, anger, insecurity feelings and many other things, I wasn’t me, I wasn’t myself, trouble seems to find me everywhere. Thursday, 12th October, I finally received my books from London and it’s all for Nabokov; Lolita, pale fire and collected poems. I’m currently reading “ I don’t want this poem to end “ for Mahmoud Darwish for the first time and I can’t wait to read the rest! It’s going to be morning tomorrow and I will start my day with a poem, surely it’s going to be the dice player, one of my all time favorites. Friday, 13th of October, I just registered in Athabasca University to take an online bachelor degree in human science, it can be a pre-medicine course as well in different Canadian universities. I’m so happy, there was a weight and it’s completely gone, I will study it in four years, hopefully, I will graduate before 2022 and I’m always changing my plans as usual. Tuesday, 17th of October. Unfortunately, the program is too expensive and I can’t afford it, it’s more than 200, 000 s. r. Anyway, I found an alternate solution. I’m going to study psychology so I can later complete my degree in clinical psychology. I search a lot about online degrees and I found the best is in California Coast University with the best fee plans ever. Friday, 20 October, I’m certain that I’ve changed a lot through the years. I made mistakes, I learn, I grow. Although nothing is certain, there’s amount of hope laying down in my heart and here’s to another beginning for it’s almost the end of the year. I’ve been through a lot of struggles in my college, I studied biology for semester and I made a big mistake when I didn’t study medicine and I transferred to study economics instead. I can call this an endless mourn for me, I would specializes in psychiatry if it happens and I studied medicine so I found a good balance that I will start a refreshing career in psychology and I will hopefully take the master degree in clinical psychology. I have hopes and I will start my online experience soon.

October: A lot was gone, few remains

Monday 3rd October, a phone call from my mom telling me your brother came to get you out of hospital but they said the doctor must give him discharged paper. And I knew something bad is going to happen, it ain’t that easy. She told me to calm down and tomorrow she will talk to Dr. Effat, hopefully things will be okay.

Wednesday 5th of October, I just finished meeting and discussion with Dr. Effat it was good. She wrote an order a phone call and a visit. She said your mother or your brother can get you out by going to the hospital administration, it’s not a medical issue and we as doctors have no hand in that. In addition, your father can get you out in seconds. Travel wherever you want to travel and do whatever you want to do.

Monday 10th of October, I’m on page 200 from the butterfly effect. Another round was with sudanian male doctor, he make sure that my condition is stable and my residence is supported with medicines. Unfortunately, I forgot how I sorted my thoughts and how to write what happened masterfully at first time. But I think I made it clear enough to be understood. He asked me few questions and then decided to stay in hospital under observation for two or three weeks.

Thursday 13th of October, beside poetry I’m reading a book for self exploration unbelievably beautiful, colorful and full of joy. Many thanks to Dr. Anan for this dramatic change in my reading habit. Start where you are by Meera lee Patel is captivating she brought to me another two books to waste my time on.

Tuesday 18th of October, I wrote in this self exploration journal answering a question: being good despite all the pain I’m in. I will forgive who hurt me and I will forget. Despite my broken dreams I’m happy but not satisfied, I’m wounded but I’m not dead yet and I will complete my journey through this life stronger, this is what gives me light, the pain we’re in so, what about you?

Wednesday 19th of October, it’s clear to me now I’m going to drop my file from university even though I’m in half way, I made my decision after reading the art of thinking clearly by Rolf Dobelli. Dobelli explores the world of irrationality and the errors most of us do through thinking process. He said: the sunk cost fallacy is most dangerous when we have invested a lot of time, money, energy, or love in something. This investment becomes a reason to carry on, even if we’re dealing with a lost cause. The more we invest, the greater the sunk costs are, and the greater the urge to continue becomes.

On Monday 31st of October, another round and things are disturbed, I thought it was the final one, I thought it was the last, unfortunately, the consultant Dr. Aisha surprised me with no discharged, the reason behind that is the fucking psychotherapist! where the fuck she’s!? She didn’t see me, not even once. Here is the end of the month, things are ruins and I have rebuilt my hopes again.

September: For a scattered soul

I’ve never spent September’s nights in hospital before, I sleep in room number 3 with 5 patients with me, every one of them has its own unique story. I’m crying again, I remembered how horribly I’m living, no one gives me a helping hand, reversely they’re trying to vanish every breath of me. My goal seems far away as far as I’m thrown here for no reason. Years ago, I was fascinated by silence of the lambs, Hannibal and the woman covered with the sun. Today, I’m happily re-exploring the sacred world of William Blake through his poems. I remarked from page 635, Jerusalem: the emanation of the giant Albion ” the long sufferings of god are not forever there is a judgment ”

It’s 9th of September, and I’m eating lots of chocolate bars, candys and junk foods, although I’m not eating whole meals or carbs, but I’m afraid I will get fat. I weighted 49.4 kg when I entered hospital, it’s 51.8 kg at the moment. I don’t know why there’s trouble with the nurses in taking my blood pressure and heartbeat measures every time.

10th of September, I’m waiting for lunch on 12:00 o’clock, I slept in room number 2 and there’s 3 patients with me, one of them is Amal. Amal changes her name to Hawra, she claims that Hawra name brings good luck, she’s religiously fanatic but a very respectable woman, she’s around 42 years old, a very restricted family, married twice, and took her master degree from Chelmsford university. I’m looking through the window the sound of Adhour call for prying in my ears, I’m calm waiting when I would be able to get of here and never come back again.

12th of September, its Eid Aladha today and Muslims celebrating pilgrimage rituals and traditions, on the corner of my bed here’s my monthly readings, Einstein’s dreams a novel by Alan Lightman, there’s my silver metal glasses beside a punch of tissues, me lying on bed reading the most captivating piece of art written about time, that mysterious quantity, how we can imagine a life without time? I’m going to leave a space for remarks from certain books that interest me aside on my blog. First book will be this one, this book is full of precious information and many wise words that need a dignified pause. For memory he wrote: a world without a memory is a world of the present. The past exists only in books, in documents. In order to know himself, each person carries his own book of life. For the past he wrote: no person is whole, no person is free. Over time, some have determined that the only way to live is to die. In death, a man or a woman is free of the weight of the past. And for life he said: a life is a moment in season. A life is one snowfall, a life is one autumn day, a life is the delicate rapid edge of closing door’s shadow. A life is a brief moment of arms and of legs.

Wednesday 14th of September, there was a party for patients, I didn’t enjoy it, seconds are heavy on me, I can’t bare it anymore. Time is cruel, time is order and meaningful.

Saturday 17th of September, and ‘why have you left the horse alone’ was completed in one day. These poems carried me new every time I read it, these poems are blooms in cherry trees on a spring night, these poems by Mahmoud Darwish.

Monday 19th of September, nurses took us to the entertainment lounge, to enjoy and dance, I drink coffee and few sweets doesn’t kill anyone, we went around 10:30 a.m. and came back on 12:00 p.m. lunch was ready. It’s quarter to 2:00 p.m. and I’m eating a banana after a short discussion with Dr. Mona and my social worker. I’ve changed with this medicine, I’m better, I told to my self be strong, I told to my soul pull me together again, it’s a hard road to the top but it’s worth suffering. When I’m in fine place later in my life if it’s long; I want to laugh on these moments when I was pieces and I thought I won’t made it. For the few weeks to come, it’s a short resident and I will back to life stronger. I will solve everything by myself. I won’t stop writing but I want my words wreathed with actions, powerful with results.

I was thinking about my career choices before all this things that meant to happen, if I were a little bit stronger and carful I could be a surgeon. I can’t believe how much I have lots of wasted talents. I’ve never think about having full marks in every test but I can force myself to do that. I can be better by raising my social statue but I’ve never wanted lots of many or a materialistic life. Each month has its own feelings and atmosphere, I want to enjoy writing more than anything else.

Wednesday 21st of September, and another meeting with dr. Mona and dr. Effat. I didn’t say much, they were also quite.
Dr. Effat: how long did you sat in prison? (asked)
Me: month and 14 days (answered)
Dr. Effat: they want a report about your case and a psychological profile.
Dr. Effat: what do you think about that? did you finish your sentence period? Is there anything else?
Me: yes I did
Me: if there’s anything else, it must be my social worker; she asked my brother for papers from here, and he didn’t bring it to her.
Me: and that’s it.
Dr. Effat: thank you Somayah you may go now.

Thursday 22nd of September, its 4:00 o’clock in the evening, I just got up of sleeping, I was exhausted after a long conversation with Dr. Aisha and Dr. Effat I hope she will wrote discharged because Dr. Aisha is responsible on group B and she’s a big consultant in this hospital. She told me: tell me everything, why did you ran out of your mother’s house? What happened? From the prison until here. I told here almost everything and I’m tired now, specially after my non-attendance for the magnificent party of our national Independence Day as Saudis. On the other hand, my mom visit me today and my sister is not aloud to see me according to Dr. Effat orders. She brought an olive oil for my legs. an elegant meal from iBurger. plastic bag full of chocolates: sniker, twix, kinder bueno, mars, KitKat and much more. My personal care stuff: toothbrush, aloe vera toothpaste, and papaya soup. And finally a fresh mango juice. Dinner was around 7:15 p.m. and nurses raise the medicine from 4 to 6 ml.

Wednesday 28th of September, a phone call from my mom was around 3:00 o’clock on the evening. tears were dripping like ocean, on the other side my sister talking, powerful individual, silly game, turus, house three in horoscope, what! what! what! wait a minute! My mom also talking: you’ll get out, we will get you out of there. Me thinking about Abdulrahman, and telling my mom to take his number from my small note or my phone and talk to him and tell him, if you love Somayah come and marry her, she has no one after god but you. I want to talk to my father telling him: you don’t see your daughter going around and around herself in endless circle. Why can’t you help me, what’s going on! why you’re silent? How these people can shut you down like this, are you afraid? If so, who are these people from? Government? from the royal family? Or the intelligence services! why can’t you answer me?

Friday 30 of September, and this time the selected book were made by my sister, Omar Hamdi written by J. Kourkis. As I read more about his art and personality as I get closer to grasp and analyze my sister patterns and emotions. Search about him.

August: It’s a gender war

It’s difficult for me to find an inspiration, at these moments I’m trying to find tranquility. Starting to write dairies and essays with English is not easy, and I must develop my literature storage. How much it’s totally hard to believe the amount of injustice and oppression are done in this world, crimes for no reason, penalty without a felony. Recognizing, most crimes are acted against females and children, I don’t want to talk about children’s cases here, gender problems are still eating inside our genes, and their is many reasons for that. According to my research, a gender crime is a hate crime committed against a specific gender. Gender crimes includes; rape, genital mutation, forced prostitution and forced pregnancy. Some of these crimes are committed during armed conflict or during times of political instability. There are cultural factors and biological ones for those crimes. Statistics have been consistent in reporting that men commit more criminal acts than women. Burton, et al 1998 found that low levels of self control are associated with criminal activity,and many professionals in criminology and related sciences have offered explanations for this sex differences, some differing explanations include men’s evolutionary tendency toward risk and violent behavior, sex differences in activity, social support, and gender inequality.

The most prominent crime in my opinion is case of the black dhalia, she is one of the most popular unsolved cases in America, Elizabeth short was murdered and her body were sliced to two pieces, her body were naked and mutable. She was only 22 with bright blue eyes and brown hair, she was murdered in 15th of January 1947. The black tailored suit was last seen wearing become the black dhalia. There is hundreds of examples on Gender crimes and hate crimes acted against women. I’m going to tell my story on this side, a very weird one, it has no roots or beginning, it happened for no reason. He is a black man, his name is Daniel Muhammad, he works in military, I don’t know him, we’ve never met before, he’s not a friend but indeed an enemy. He claims he loves me, ha! He ruined my life and he is the reason behind me being in jail, he wage a silent war against my mind and spirit. He is from United Kingdom and he lives their. The spark were created on last.fm website, the fire still burning in time. I hate him, I hate every single detail remind me of him, this is if I remember him, he whispered silently: eternity with you, you can’t escape without me behind you, holding a knife full of tears. He is stalking me from two thousand and fourteen, now I reached a limit where I’m suffocating. He have an enormous access to all power equipments, things that manipulate people and control them, I don’t know if he can manipulate other things than people, but I’m very curious about how he can make a person think of an idea he have no control over it, I don’t know if I’m right and I didn’t done a search on that, but I guess he use a specialized satellite for this, and this thing can send a message of chemical signals to someone’s brain, then it will be translated to the desired information, finally as thought. Their is a big possibility that he or they whom using this; using a simple computer program, and satellites might not be involved.

Thursday 11th of august, I bought an iPhone 6s and two books from Jarir bookstore, the first one is the American classic: The great gatsby, the other one is the complete poems of William Blake. I’m currently on page 28 from fizgrald’s novel.

Monday 15th of august, my father sent a shipment from Jeddah to Riyadh with the ID card and I’m trying to finish my goal before January in the next year.

Tuesday 23rd of august, I was sent to Alamal complex for mental health, after a pleasant fight between me, my brother and my mom. They’ve decided that hospital is a bitter place for me.

Wednesday 24th of august I started eating risperdal and It was the worst experience in my whole life, I’ve experienced the side effects of it, my eyes were wide open, I was looking upward and I can’t control my neck movements. The nurse “Robina” gives me a cream for muscles then she called the doctor, the doctor ordered them to give me cogantien, after minutes everything became normal, and I was able to sleep.

I met a friend, her name is Shoq Alawda, she’s a 20 year old blonde, born in 2 April 1996. I get used on being here without my sister, I hope she’s doing well at home. Having a short residence in mental health hospital similar to my prison experience. I’ve never imagined that consequences and series of bad decisions will end up me here, this is related to a damaged brain or an overthinking habit! Shoq told me she has bipolar disorder and she hear voices no one else hear, she told me also she invented and designed a wheel chair with remote control, she kissed me on my forehead once, she told me I love you, I didn’t give her more than a smile.