To a generation of healers

Tormented, anxious

Depression & rispredon

Addiction, grief, misadventure

I’m still on the bright side

Sometimes we face

the call inside of us

Life want us to change

It was August and I was bright

To a generation of healers

Hold on to limits, lilies & the dark

October: The reality you imposed on me

Thursday, 5th of October, the journey began, I have finally established a physical identity for me, I will receive my ID card after a week. Then, I will open a bank account and finally find a job, I need more than 4000 s. r. per month. I couldn’t imagine things will work for me easily and I don’t want to spent another five years in my country. I will plan to graduate and travel to live abroad. My condolences for everyone felt and live what I’ve been through, governments can use fatal equipments and cruel actions just to prevent any threat possible, even when it doesn’t exist! I can say my reality wasn’t how I wanted, they’ve imposed the hate, anger, insecurity feelings and many other things, I wasn’t me, I wasn’t myself, trouble seems to find me everywhere. Thursday, 12th October, I finally received my books from London and it’s all for Nabokov; Lolita, pale fire and collected poems. I’m currently reading “ I don’t want this poem to end “ for Mahmoud Darwish for the first time and I can’t wait to read the rest! It’s going to be morning tomorrow and I will start my day with a poem, surely it’s going to be the dice player, one of my all time favorites. Friday, 13th of October, I just registered in Athabasca University to take an online bachelor degree in human science, it can be a pre-medicine course as well in different Canadian universities. I’m so happy, there was a weight and it’s completely gone, I will study it in four years, hopefully, I will graduate before 2022 and I’m always changing my plans as usual. Tuesday, 17th of October. Unfortunately, the program is too expensive and I can’t afford it, it’s more than 200, 000 s. r. Anyway, I found an alternate solution. I’m going to study psychology so I can later complete my degree in clinical psychology. I search a lot about online degrees and I found the best is in California Coast University with the best fee plans ever. Friday, 20 October, I’m certain that I’ve changed a lot through the years. I made mistakes, I learn, I grow. Although nothing is certain, there’s amount of hope laying down in my heart and here’s to another beginning for it’s almost the end of the year. I’ve been through a lot of struggles in my college, I studied biology for semester and I made a big mistake when I didn’t study medicine and I transferred to study economics instead. I can call this an endless mourn for me, I would specializes in psychiatry if it happens and I studied medicine so I found a good balance that I will start a refreshing career in psychology and I will hopefully take the master degree in clinical psychology. I have hopes and I will start my online experience soon.

December: Feelings of oppression

It’s the end of the year and the weather is cold and bold, winter is charming and promising with fortunate end. Don’t try to reach me and I won’t try to reach you. It’s 2nd of December and we’re rolling around Riyadh streets, we went to jarir bookstore to buy a phone for my mom, then we stopped to drink some coffee in a local coffee shop. I’m afraid of being a bovine after a long period of taking risperdal, I was reading a few of its side effects and it’s scared the hell out of me.
Thursday 8th of December, I might go out, to have a little bit of fun. I love writing with these new collection of pens, they’re useful and enjoyable! Unfortunately, I’ve had nothing left of my medication bromocripten or something like that. I feel like my poor writing bothers me, I have so much thoughts, and besides that, limited words. Blah! Saturday 10th of December, I’m in home taking time to read and enjoy a cup of coffee or hot chocolate, mornings are quite and peaceful. It’s hard to make something of your own in this technology world and it doesn’t mean I’m against technologies, but I’m with reducing our use time to certain devices for our own happiness. People get busy all the time on phones and I’m one of them, this is not a healthy attitude. Sunday, 11th of December, I went to hospital today, and I took my medicines from their. The responsible doctor on me from now and on is Faridah and I don’t like her. I must be objective about my opinions because this is how I like my judgement sound to be, but we can’t overlook some personal points or feelings. I feel good today, I put some coffee on oven, breathing slowly for a new hope. Wednesday 14th of December, I get up early, feeling lazy, I cleaned the dishes. I eat breakfast on 11:25 a.m. and dinner will be ready on 2:00 p.m. when my sister comes from school. Sunday, 25th of December, I’m questioning my self, why would a person stand between you and happiness. Why would he break your wings and burn you a life. They want to control you so much until they forget they don’t own anything and they are the true losers in the end. The only sad thing in this life is to let go of happiness once you hold it in your hands.
Every time I try to understand my feelings, I fail. Every time I try to love unconditionally, I can’t. Feelings aren’t for me to be grasp. I wish things will back again to its proper place, because we are trying to move to another apartment or villa soon. Hopefully, things will be considered from now and on.
Monday, 26th of December, I had an appointment in hospital with my doctor, everything was alright, I told her I’m thinking about traveling to my dad in Jeddah and she gives me another appointment after month, in January this time. So, I will start taking 2ml of risperdal only until I stop eating it. If that black guy is reading my journals I’m telling ya, son of a bitch: you use your knowledge to fulfill an emotional need, and you said you’re not an emotional person! This is my Christmas present from me to you, hope you die soon motherfucker. I will be happy once again and I will forget all the painful memories, I will be free as free as the wind. Friday, 30 of December, I will never let to small minded to ruin my life again, with their stupid behavior and overwhelming emotions that will lead definitely to brute actions, by feeding their useless uncontrollable anger. They think they’re smart enough to take their rights by force but guess what; they will strangled them selfs sooner or later by their own hands. Tuesday, 31 of December, I should work hard on not making another bad decision, I have many wishes and hopes for the new year, and I hope things will be alright.

I don’t have to feel this way, another year is gone without my case being solved, I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but I guess I will travel to my dad in Jeddah. I realized how small I am when I couldn’t and I can’t help people’s of Aleppo and the whole Syrian territories. I have nothing to give them but praying, in praying for them, praying for no god, we’re all praying for them and for our selfs as humans. Things are difficult not only for us, but to the whole world to come; you’re meant for struggle.

November: Eternal escape

On Tuesday 1st of November I received a phone call from my father, around 2:00 p.m. telling me he will come soon to see me. On the other hand, doctors assessments were around where is the psycho therapist? And why she didn’t sat with her? until now and for a behavioral reasons! The behavioral therapy due to my escape tendency and I must admit that I will stay for another month. I’m tired, I’m not tired. Things goes double and triple with me. and I don’t even know how or why. Things goes unsaid and silent. I don’t feel better than who’s worse than me, and I don’t adjust by that with my situation. I’m in trouble and I have to face that alone. Everything is countable and don’t ask me what that means? I don’t write for others, I’m writing for myself and for time, for the past and the future. Writing carefully and carelessly. I’ll have to give back the borrowed pen for that Indian nurse. I’m eating loacker biscuits with vanilla, it’s 6:30 p.m. I met my dad and I’m waiting for dinner, after that I will sleep like every day’s routine.
On Wednesday 2nd of November, I met a psychotherapist, finally, Tagreed was good with me, she was incredibly helpful, many thanks to her beautiful soul.
On 4th of November, its the 74th day of my inhabitant in hospital. The mood is normal and stable, I’m expecting a family gathering today. My sister spoiling me with my favorite meals. Nothing much to say, same boring routine, I’m wondering when I can breathe the wild air and taste the fresh mornings, mornings of freedom, mornings full of coffee smell.
Monday 7th of November, Thursday is going to be a special day! Today the consultant dr. Aisha decided to give me a vacation for three days! ” they call it out on pass” I agreed on most of the therapeutic plan, and now I’m just going to wait.
Thursday, 10th of November weirdly I was born on this day, but it’s not my birth date ha ha! Today, I’m having a vacation after 80 days of residence. I went to my mom’s house, took a bath and long periods resting. They have prepared a light blue big box full of gifts, my sister brought to me the finest chocolate bars ever made and a beautiful blue dress. My mom brought to me a golden watch and plenty other things. It was feelings I can’t explain, thank you all for your love and patience with me. I really enjoyed this out on pass shit.
Saturday 12th of November, I went to jarir bookstore to refresh my reading times with new books, I bought four: Zen in the Art of Writing by Ray Bradbury, The Creed of a Priest of Savoy by Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Russell by A. C. Grayling, In Pursuit of Elegance by Matthew E. May.
Sunday 13th of November, I’m getting ready to came back to hospital, I feel good and I hope I won’t stay long.
Tuesday 15th of November, I took a nap after lunch and I get up playing sudoku, I eat some dates and half an orange, now I’m waiting for a phone call, then I will get back on reading Russel’s book. They say if you have nothing to say, say nothing, and I say if you have nothing to say, say anything.
On Sunday 20 of November, today I completed three months of resident in hospital. It’s a lesson I learnt, just like many before.
Monday 21st of November, I’m for discharge on Thursday of this week, but things changed! hear this, I’m for discharge today!! They talk to my father, and he told them is their any clear reason for me to stay until Thursday? He also told them I want to get her out today, and doctors agreed!
Wednesday 23rd of November, I can’t explain how I feel, I’m finally free, I breathe the wild air enormously, I hope I will get back to school soon. Today, I rearranged some plans and put a new one. I will give them a report on my health case and I will start studying at distance “from home” I don’t have to go everyday to hear or see something that will bother me. I need to focus and get things done, and lose some weight.
On 27th of November I went to alanima bank, she filled all the papers and the bad luck attended, I knew that something bad is going to happen. I didn’t wrote in my past journals (specifically in august) the reason of the fight with my brother that sent me here for three months! The reason was: I wanted a bank account, and my brother delayed me. Anyway, my brother ID card was expired from a year and she couldn’t open an account. Yes, some people would find that strange why my brother Id and the account is for me?! It’s our nation rules, and we should follow it without a question. I also went to bought some winter clothes, I want to feel warm and cozy in home forever. I’m looking for an answer, looking around me, easily distracted, I’m looking for someone, something, what’s wrong with me?