July: Notes from the past

Monday, tenth of July, It’s difficult to find the right words to describe Killing Joke’s history or musical impressions. I’ve always been fascinated about Jaz Coleman’s reflections on different subjects. For those who didn’t know him, he’s the leading singer and lyricist of this ancient post-punk band. Jaz Coleman is also a theologian, author of the book Letter From Cythera and a great orchestral composer. The band embrace mysticism from the beginning, many opinions on politics, global and environmental issues. I just heard this great interview from June’s last year on BBC radio and I loved to share it with you. https://www.acast.com/someonewhoisntme/episode8-jazcoleman
Wednesday, July 12th a talk I said on isolation and introversion: I totally agree and this reminds me of what schopenhauer said, ” almost all of our sorrows spring out of our relations with other people”. And you can imagine the diverse problems that it may create, I can tell you that I found an endless solace in isolation and I literally have zero friends but my family. My life is much better alone although, I can’t spend a day not reading or hearing or at least caring about the global issues that we create every day! Solitude is a bless and not anyone knows what it truly means to be alone, to have a space to write, to create, to reflect and most importantly to experience your life as a human. In another hand, I must say I have an ultimate pleasure in discovering pure souls and original minds, from painters, photographers to philosophers and scientists, history is full of such inspiring people. So, I don’t expect to find such people in my daily life but pain is worth it and it’s enough for me to find one in my whole life. And here’s the beauty of life in rarity and diversity and we must be adaptable and acceptable to others differences. I hope I made my point clear without any mistakes in English! Have a lovely day. Friday, July 14th I wrote some notes and memories from the past: I’m totally not a Law person, I love science a lot and I understand it completely and I get shocked when I studied Saudi’s law at first time. It was very rigid and full of lies. When I was reading the book, I posed on something that is considerable to human rights, the freedom of expression and existence of different religions for its citizens, I laughed sarcastically in myself saying: oh, really! What a lie! In addition it was a small paragraph less than half the paper from the whole book. Unfortunately I don’t remember the script exactly because I gave the book for one of my colleagues. This was in 2014, later when things happened and I went out of home to live in my own without a permission from any one in 2016. I get shocked again when they catch me by the police officer telling me: there’s institutes for human rights by the way!

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April: Ageless paper

It’s 12:26 pm Tuesday 11th of April and I’m drinking coffee and listening to La boheme by Charles Aznavour, thinking about my mom and how she reached a level where we can’t provide any help, sadly to note that she totally lost her mind, she gone insane and I didn’t want to talk about that in my diaries but I must let it out and just speak about it. She imagines that she is eating bugs and filthy things, she thinks that everyone comes around our home is a magician or a witch and they want to hurt her. Wednesday, 12th of April 2:33 French melodies in my ear again, drinking green tea, time flies, years gone by, the memories are the only thing that remains. I don’t know what to do for my mom, of course I won’t tell her you are insane! But I will try to be diplomatic always, and do whatever she wants me to do, if it makes her happier and satisfied, I don’t know if I mentioned this in my previous journals but I started working for oriflame company, it’s Swedish and they produce and provide us with 100% natural cosmetics and skincare products. Thursday, 13th of April, I realized how much I changed through years, I’m not who I am when I was 17 or even last year, I became more aware of art and beauty, I started enjoying music more, searching for painters and loving Vilhelm Hammersoi paintings while I was a mad communist in my teenage years! I feel me in every detail and tune, I feel myself when I’m around the sunshine and seas surrounding me, I feel who I am in every deep breath and existential moment.
Saturday, 15th of April, and back at home again after one day spent in hospital with my mom, hope she will be fine as soon as possible. She’s old know and needs tens-full caring routine, hope I would be able to return a little bit of what she have done to us all this years, I love you mom although you are horrible and unbearable sometimes. Sunday, 16th of April, hearing an excerpt audio recorded of a speech given by Noam Chomsky in June 1998 in Canada, its incredible and absolutely helpful in my field, after that I watched a 1:55 hour conversation on privacy, between Noam Chomsky, Edward Snowden and Glenn Greenwald, revealing all secrets of government behavior against its citizens. I don’t ask for help from anyone, I’ve never done this and I will never do it. I won’t expect something from anyone, even the closest people to me, my father, the closed minded, thus he will never understand what a human being is and what does human rights means, or what’s the horrible actions that was done by our government, he will never understand the right to a free mind, privacy like Snowden said once. I will be able to stand on my own feet one day stronger. Yesterday, I finished a book for Mikhail Niamey and it was so beautiful and beyond description, I can classify it under philosophy but it’s more than that and I learned from it a lot.
Thursday, 27th of April is a very special day to me, today I met my first love, my one and only, the love of my life, a page that will never be folded, no matter how years pass and no matter how we grow old and our memories grow with us. On this day last year, we talked, and we kissed, we made love and we left ourselves to be carried to the unknown. My dearest love, wherever you are, I send you warm regards as the sun’s heat over the ocean.
Days ago, I’ve been instantly surprised by a confession from a friend on the internet, he’s 26 years old, Taurus, writer and poet, and he lives in Alqatif, Alsharqiyah, Saudi Arabia. Give me a chance with you, he said, I want to be with you, he said. I told him: I’m not ready for a relationship at the moment and I will be around if you wanted to talk, he wasn’t satisfied with that and he said: I want to see you, I told him: I send you pictures of me it’s not enough? And he replies with yes, it’s not enough! And I am now in a very embarrassing situation, I don’t know what should I tell him, I don’t want to break his feelings or his heart and he already knew that I don’t care about him! I will let things to go and to take its normal place through time, I’m drifting in this life, I don’t know where to go or what to seek.

March: Breath of a sandalwood 

Wednesday 8th of March, Here is gone a week now, without writing a word, I want to discuss the meaning of home this month but I don’t know if I will actually do it. Sometimes or a lot of times I’m totally bored, during long periods of the day. Sitting, watching tv programs and sometimes movies, playing chess or on social media apps in my phone. I didn’t meditate from a month maybe, I lost some weight and I feel thinner and lighter. My diary title this month is inspired by the usual smell of our home that we live in daily. Thursday 9th of March, Today marks the birth of a legendary chess champion and a big inspiration to me. Bobby Fischer we love you and you may Rest In Peace. Friday 10th of March, today was calm and sunny, I got up early, drinking hot green tea and listening to an old Bahraini folk song. I’m currently searching and watching pictures of many palaces around the world, home decoration inspired by the Victorian lifestyle, it’s fascinated me specially, that I’m a big fan of the minimalism movement and everything came later from contemporary arts and cultures, and I seriously want my home dreams to be Victorian and almost like a palace, and who doesn’t? Saturday, 18th of March, I had a vision of completely wonderful words, yesterday before sleeping and I totally forgot it when I got up. It’s just a line or maybe a sentence but i totally forget it, I’m trying to remember know hopefully it will come out to my mind later. Days are calm by the air, listening to killing joke for the first time from a while. Love them, and they will always be my all time favorites.
Teusday 21st of March, Depeche Mode released their new album ‘spirit’ this month and its absolutely incredible. I loved two songs the most from the album, the first is going backwards and it talks about technology and its bad use against humanity and how we’re going back to ‘man cave mentality’ by this, and it’s reminded me of what happened with me on hands of my government and how Edward Snowden reveals this secret project, I don’t remember it’s name and I don’t have a lot of information on USA’s project but in my case I know that they know everything about me. The second song is titled as ‘so much love’ and it talks about other human interactions, sufferings, pain and how after all this, there is no love. The album has the usual Depeche Mode atmosphere with a lot of electronics sound, after all, I gave it 8/10 rate. Monday, 27th of March, calm mornings, reading a lot of poems in the early hours, for Sylvia Plath, Anne Carson and Ted Hughes. Wednesday, 29th of March, at the end of this month, lovely moments are spent on learning French, listening to classical music, Dmitri Shostakovich precisely, and watching romantic films such as Lolita and An education and here is some remarks of Nabokov’s incredible classic, Lolita, beside fragments of the film’s script that was released in 1997.

She was “Lo”, plain “Lo” in the morning…
standing four-feet-ten in one sock.
She was “Lola” in slacks, she was “Dolly” at school…
she was “Dolores” on the dotted line.
In my arms she was always…
Lolita.
Light of my life…
fire of my loins.
My sin… my soul.
Lolita…

Gentlewomen of the jury…
If my happiness could’ve talked…
It would have filled that hotel with a deafening roar.
My only regret…
is that I did not immediately deposit key number 342 at the office and leave the town, the country, the planet, that very night.
“The Lord knows all, the Lord sees all, the Lord forgives all.”

Despite all that… I was in paradise.
Paradise whose skies were the color of hellflames.
But a paradise, still.

I looked and looked at her,
and I knew as clearly as I know that I will die… that I loved her more than anything I’d ever seen or imagined on earth.
She was only the dead leaf echo of the nymphet from long ago, but I loved her; this Lolita, pale and polluted, and big with another man’s child. She would fade and wither, I didn’t care. I would still go mad with tenderness… at the mere sight of her face.

Away from romanticism, there is a book I’ve always wanted to read, specially after reading ‘Chaos: making a new science’ to James Gleick before, in translated version of course, this book is breathtaking and brilliant and it’s titled ‘ The information: a history, a theory, a flood’ I’ve searched many websites to find an Arabic PDF version but unfortunately it’s not translated yet, so I was reading few remarks from the book and here it’s.

“For the purposes of science, information had to mean something special. Three centuries earlier, the new discipline of physics could not proceed until Isaac Newton appropriated words that were ancient and vague—force, mass, motion, and even time—and gave them new meanings. Newton made these terms into quantities, suitable for use in mathematical formulas. Until then, motion (for example) had been just as soft and inclusive a term as information. For Aristotelians, motion covered a far-flung family of phenomena: a peach ripening, a stone falling, a child growing, a body decaying. That was too rich. Most varieties of motion had to be tossed out before Newton’s laws could apply and the Scientific Revolution could succeed. In the nineteenth century, energy began to undergo a similar transformation: natural philosophers adapted a word meaning vigor or intensity. They mathematicized it, giving energy its fundamental place in the physicists’ view of nature. It was the same with information. A rite of purification became necessary. And then, when it was made simple, distilled, counted in bits, information was found to be everywhere.”

“Logic might be imagined to exist independent of writing—syllogisms can be spoken as well as written—but it did not. Speech is too fleeting to allow for analysis. Logic descended from the written word, in Greece as well as India and China, where it developed independently. Logic turns the act of abstraction into a tool for determining what is true and what is false: truth can be discovered in words alone, apart from concrete experience. Logic takes its form in chains: sequences whose members connect one to another. Conclusions follow from premises. These require a degree of constancy. They have no power unless people can examine and evaluate them. In contrast, an oral narrative proceeds by accretion, the words passing by in a line of parade past the viewing stand, briefly present and then gone, interacting with one another via memory and association.”

“The macromolecules of organic life embody information in an intricate structure. A single hemoglobin molecule comprises four chains of polypeptides, two with 141 amino acids and two with 146, in strict linear sequence, bonded and folded together. Atoms of hydrogen, oxygen, carbon, and iron could mingle randomly for the lifetime of the universe and be no more likely to form hemoglobin than the proverbial chimpanzees to type the works of Shakespeare. Their genesis requires energy; they are built up from simpler, less patterned parts, and the law of entropy applies. For earthly life, the energy comes as photons from the sun. The information comes via evolution. ”

“Evolution itself embodies an ongoing exchange of information between organism and environment …. The gene has its cultural analog, too: the meme. In cultural evolution, a meme is a replicator and propagator — an idea, a fashion, a chain letter, or a conspiracy theory. On a bad day, a meme is a virus.”

It’s not like reading poetry in English, I really need an Arabic version, I re-read it few times so I make sure that I understand what he’s saying but I can see that’s well written for an English speaker and I wanted to read it, specially that the subject is very interesting to me. Hopefully, they will translate it in the few coming years.