White blues

Here it’s, a three years anniversary
Woke up this morning
with sunflower in my mouth
In a place where I don’t want to be in
Here it’s three years in November
Struggling with family
Struggling with medicines, with purple life

I remember when I was hospitalized
In a mental institute, for the first time
I stayed for three months
I don’t know if this number
should mean something
but I was even sleeping in room number three
Seems so far away now
But the feeling is the same, never changed

I know I’m not sick; I told myself
and I can’t leave my dream to escape behind me
Bi-polar starts getting closer to my skin
Closer than it should be
Everyday I became the medication or
It became me
Sweet baby tablet of Abilify,
How it affects someone’s body
Someone’s brain
Does it numb your pain too?

White blues
I got all the time to do the things
That never did before
I got a life I never wanted to lose it
So let’s make some memories
Milk & water, white beds
Pancakes on breakfast and tears in the morning
Clean halls and nurses
surrounds you in every occasion
Walking in empty circles all day long
Getting used on the weird talk
The weird stares
Become one of them
By time you’ll stop worrying about the life outside
the hospital became all your life
where you become caught in every detail

Nothing much I missed but the warm summer sun
Celebrating my birthday and
Wearing my favorite clothes
Three years now I still remember vividly The smell of illness and the noise

December: Feelings of oppression

It’s the end of the year and the weather is cold and bold, winter is charming and promising with fortunate end. Don’t try to reach me and I won’t try to reach you. It’s 2nd of December and we’re rolling around Riyadh streets, we went to jarir bookstore to buy a phone for my mom, then we stopped to drink some coffee in a local coffee shop. I’m afraid of being a bovine after a long period of taking risperdal, I was reading a few of its side effects and it’s scared the hell out of me.
Thursday 8th of December, I might go out, to have a little bit of fun. I love writing with these new collection of pens, they’re useful and enjoyable! Unfortunately, I’ve had nothing left of my medication bromocripten or something like that. I feel like my poor writing bothers me, I have so much thoughts, and besides that, limited words. Blah! Saturday 10th of December, I’m in home taking time to read and enjoy a cup of coffee or hot chocolate, mornings are quite and peaceful. It’s hard to make something of your own in this technology world and it doesn’t mean I’m against technologies, but I’m with reducing our use time to certain devices for our own happiness. People get busy all the time on phones and I’m one of them, this is not a healthy attitude. Sunday, 11th of December, I went to hospital today, and I took my medicines from their. The responsible doctor on me from now and on is Faridah and I don’t like her. I must be objective about my opinions because this is how I like my judgement sound to be, but we can’t overlook some personal points or feelings. I feel good today, I put some coffee on oven, breathing slowly for a new hope. Wednesday 14th of December, I get up early, feeling lazy, I cleaned the dishes. I eat breakfast on 11:25 a.m. and dinner will be ready on 2:00 p.m. when my sister comes from school. Sunday, 25th of December, I’m questioning my self, why would a person stand between you and happiness. Why would he break your wings and burn you a life. They want to control you so much until they forget they don’t own anything and they are the true losers in the end. The only sad thing in this life is to let go of happiness once you hold it in your hands.
Every time I try to understand my feelings, I fail. Every time I try to love unconditionally, I can’t. Feelings aren’t for me to be grasp. I wish things will back again to its proper place, because we are trying to move to another apartment or villa soon. Hopefully, things will be considered from now and on.
Monday, 26th of December, I had an appointment in hospital with my doctor, everything was alright, I told her I’m thinking about traveling to my dad in Jeddah and she gives me another appointment after month, in January this time. So, I will start taking 2ml of risperdal only until I stop eating it. If that black guy is reading my journals I’m telling ya, son of a bitch: you use your knowledge to fulfill an emotional need, and you said you’re not an emotional person! This is my Christmas present from me to you, hope you die soon motherfucker. I will be happy once again and I will forget all the painful memories, I will be free as free as the wind. Friday, 30 of December, I will never let to small minded to ruin my life again, with their stupid behavior and overwhelming emotions that will lead definitely to brute actions, by feeding their useless uncontrollable anger. They think they’re smart enough to take their rights by force but guess what; they will strangled them selfs sooner or later by their own hands. Tuesday, 31 of December, I should work hard on not making another bad decision, I have many wishes and hopes for the new year, and I hope things will be alright.

I don’t have to feel this way, another year is gone without my case being solved, I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but I guess I will travel to my dad in Jeddah. I realized how small I am when I couldn’t and I can’t help people’s of Aleppo and the whole Syrian territories. I have nothing to give them but praying, in praying for them, praying for no god, we’re all praying for them and for our selfs as humans. Things are difficult not only for us, but to the whole world to come; you’re meant for struggle.

November: Eternal escape

On Tuesday 1st of November I received a phone call from my father, around 2:00 p.m. telling me he will come soon to see me. On the other hand, doctors assessments were around where is the psycho therapist? And why she didn’t sat with her? until now and for a behavioral reasons! The behavioral therapy due to my escape tendency and I must admit that I will stay for another month. I’m tired, I’m not tired. Things goes double and triple with me. and I don’t even know how or why. Things goes unsaid and silent. I don’t feel better than who’s worse than me, and I don’t adjust by that with my situation. I’m in trouble and I have to face that alone. Everything is countable and don’t ask me what that means? I don’t write for others, I’m writing for myself and for time, for the past and the future. Writing carefully and carelessly. I’ll have to give back the borrowed pen for that Indian nurse. I’m eating loacker biscuits with vanilla, it’s 6:30 p.m. I met my dad and I’m waiting for dinner, after that I will sleep like every day’s routine.
On Wednesday 2nd of November, I met a psychotherapist, finally, Tagreed was good with me, she was incredibly helpful, many thanks to her beautiful soul.
On 4th of November, its the 74th day of my inhabitant in hospital. The mood is normal and stable, I’m expecting a family gathering today. My sister spoiling me with my favorite meals. Nothing much to say, same boring routine, I’m wondering when I can breathe the wild air and taste the fresh mornings, mornings of freedom, mornings full of coffee smell.
Monday 7th of November, Thursday is going to be a special day! Today the consultant dr. Aisha decided to give me a vacation for three days! ” they call it out on pass” I agreed on most of the therapeutic plan, and now I’m just going to wait.
Thursday, 10th of November weirdly I was born on this day, but it’s not my birth date ha ha! Today, I’m having a vacation after 80 days of residence. I went to my mom’s house, took a bath and long periods resting. They have prepared a light blue big box full of gifts, my sister brought to me the finest chocolate bars ever made and a beautiful blue dress. My mom brought to me a golden watch and plenty other things. It was feelings I can’t explain, thank you all for your love and patience with me. I really enjoyed this out on pass shit.
Saturday 12th of November, I went to jarir bookstore to refresh my reading times with new books, I bought four: Zen in the Art of Writing by Ray Bradbury, The Creed of a Priest of Savoy by Jean-Jacques Rousseau, Russell by A. C. Grayling, In Pursuit of Elegance by Matthew E. May.
Sunday 13th of November, I’m getting ready to came back to hospital, I feel good and I hope I won’t stay long.
Tuesday 15th of November, I took a nap after lunch and I get up playing sudoku, I eat some dates and half an orange, now I’m waiting for a phone call, then I will get back on reading Russel’s book. They say if you have nothing to say, say nothing, and I say if you have nothing to say, say anything.
On Sunday 20 of November, today I completed three months of resident in hospital. It’s a lesson I learnt, just like many before.
Monday 21st of November, I’m for discharge on Thursday of this week, but things changed! hear this, I’m for discharge today!! They talk to my father, and he told them is their any clear reason for me to stay until Thursday? He also told them I want to get her out today, and doctors agreed!
Wednesday 23rd of November, I can’t explain how I feel, I’m finally free, I breathe the wild air enormously, I hope I will get back to school soon. Today, I rearranged some plans and put a new one. I will give them a report on my health case and I will start studying at distance “from home” I don’t have to go everyday to hear or see something that will bother me. I need to focus and get things done, and lose some weight.
On 27th of November I went to alanima bank, she filled all the papers and the bad luck attended, I knew that something bad is going to happen. I didn’t wrote in my past journals (specifically in august) the reason of the fight with my brother that sent me here for three months! The reason was: I wanted a bank account, and my brother delayed me. Anyway, my brother ID card was expired from a year and she couldn’t open an account. Yes, some people would find that strange why my brother Id and the account is for me?! It’s our nation rules, and we should follow it without a question. I also went to bought some winter clothes, I want to feel warm and cozy in home forever. I’m looking for an answer, looking around me, easily distracted, I’m looking for someone, something, what’s wrong with me?

October: A lot was gone, few remains

Monday 3rd October, a phone call from my mom telling me your brother came to get you out of hospital but they said the doctor must give him discharged paper. And I knew something bad is going to happen, it ain’t that easy. She told me to calm down and tomorrow she will talk to Dr. Effat, hopefully things will be okay.

Wednesday 5th of October, I just finished meeting and discussion with Dr. Effat it was good. She wrote an order a phone call and a visit. She said your mother or your brother can get you out by going to the hospital administration, it’s not a medical issue and we as doctors have no hand in that. In addition, your father can get you out in seconds. Travel wherever you want to travel and do whatever you want to do.

Monday 10th of October, I’m on page 200 from the butterfly effect. Another round was with sudanian male doctor, he make sure that my condition is stable and my residence is supported with medicines. Unfortunately, I forgot how I sorted my thoughts and how to write what happened masterfully at first time. But I think I made it clear enough to be understood. He asked me few questions and then decided to stay in hospital under observation for two or three weeks.

Thursday 13th of October, beside poetry I’m reading a book for self exploration unbelievably beautiful, colorful and full of joy. Many thanks to Dr. Anan for this dramatic change in my reading habit. Start where you are by Meera lee Patel is captivating she brought to me another two books to waste my time on.

Tuesday 18th of October, I wrote in this self exploration journal answering a question: being good despite all the pain I’m in. I will forgive who hurt me and I will forget. Despite my broken dreams I’m happy but not satisfied, I’m wounded but I’m not dead yet and I will complete my journey through this life stronger, this is what gives me light, the pain we’re in so, what about you?

Wednesday 19th of October, it’s clear to me now I’m going to drop my file from university even though I’m in half way, I made my decision after reading the art of thinking clearly by Rolf Dobelli. Dobelli explores the world of irrationality and the errors most of us do through thinking process. He said: the sunk cost fallacy is most dangerous when we have invested a lot of time, money, energy, or love in something. This investment becomes a reason to carry on, even if we’re dealing with a lost cause. The more we invest, the greater the sunk costs are, and the greater the urge to continue becomes.

On Monday 31st of October, another round and things are disturbed, I thought it was the final one, I thought it was the last, unfortunately, the consultant Dr. Aisha surprised me with no discharged, the reason behind that is the fucking psychotherapist! where the fuck she’s!? She didn’t see me, not even once. Here is the end of the month, things are ruins and I have rebuilt my hopes again.

September: For a scattered soul

I’ve never spent September’s nights in hospital before, I sleep in room number 3 with 5 patients with me, every one of them has its own unique story. I’m crying again, I remembered how horribly I’m living, no one gives me a helping hand, reversely they’re trying to vanish every breath of me. My goal seems far away as far as I’m thrown here for no reason. Years ago, I was fascinated by silence of the lambs, Hannibal and the woman covered with the sun. Today, I’m happily re-exploring the sacred world of William Blake through his poems. I remarked from page 635, Jerusalem: the emanation of the giant Albion ” the long sufferings of god are not forever there is a judgment ”

It’s 9th of September, and I’m eating lots of chocolate bars, candys and junk foods, although I’m not eating whole meals or carbs, but I’m afraid I will get fat. I weighted 49.4 kg when I entered hospital, it’s 51.8 kg at the moment. I don’t know why there’s trouble with the nurses in taking my blood pressure and heartbeat measures every time.

10th of September, I’m waiting for lunch on 12:00 o’clock, I slept in room number 2 and there’s 3 patients with me, one of them is Amal. Amal changes her name to Hawra, she claims that Hawra name brings good luck, she’s religiously fanatic but a very respectable woman, she’s around 42 years old, a very restricted family, married twice, and took her master degree from Chelmsford university. I’m looking through the window the sound of Adhour call for prying in my ears, I’m calm waiting when I would be able to get of here and never come back again.

12th of September, its Eid Aladha today and Muslims celebrating pilgrimage rituals and traditions, on the corner of my bed here’s my monthly readings, Einstein’s dreams a novel by Alan Lightman, there’s my silver metal glasses beside a punch of tissues, me lying on bed reading the most captivating piece of art written about time, that mysterious quantity, how we can imagine a life without time? I’m going to leave a space for remarks from certain books that interest me aside on my blog. First book will be this one, this book is full of precious information and many wise words that need a dignified pause. For memory he wrote: a world without a memory is a world of the present. The past exists only in books, in documents. In order to know himself, each person carries his own book of life. For the past he wrote: no person is whole, no person is free. Over time, some have determined that the only way to live is to die. In death, a man or a woman is free of the weight of the past. And for life he said: a life is a moment in season. A life is one snowfall, a life is one autumn day, a life is the delicate rapid edge of closing door’s shadow. A life is a brief moment of arms and of legs.

Wednesday 14th of September, there was a party for patients, I didn’t enjoy it, seconds are heavy on me, I can’t bare it anymore. Time is cruel, time is order and meaningful.

Saturday 17th of September, and ‘why have you left the horse alone’ was completed in one day. These poems carried me new every time I read it, these poems are blooms in cherry trees on a spring night, these poems by Mahmoud Darwish.

Monday 19th of September, nurses took us to the entertainment lounge, to enjoy and dance, I drink coffee and few sweets doesn’t kill anyone, we went around 10:30 a.m. and came back on 12:00 p.m. lunch was ready. It’s quarter to 2:00 p.m. and I’m eating a banana after a short discussion with Dr. Mona and my social worker. I’ve changed with this medicine, I’m better, I told to my self be strong, I told to my soul pull me together again, it’s a hard road to the top but it’s worth suffering. When I’m in fine place later in my life if it’s long; I want to laugh on these moments when I was pieces and I thought I won’t made it. For the few weeks to come, it’s a short resident and I will back to life stronger. I will solve everything by myself. I won’t stop writing but I want my words wreathed with actions, powerful with results.

I was thinking about my career choices before all this things that meant to happen, if I were a little bit stronger and carful I could be a surgeon. I can’t believe how much I have lots of wasted talents. I’ve never think about having full marks in every test but I can force myself to do that. I can be better by raising my social statue but I’ve never wanted lots of many or a materialistic life. Each month has its own feelings and atmosphere, I want to enjoy writing more than anything else.

Wednesday 21st of September, and another meeting with dr. Mona and dr. Effat. I didn’t say much, they were also quite.
Dr. Effat: how long did you sat in prison? (asked)
Me: month and 14 days (answered)
Dr. Effat: they want a report about your case and a psychological profile.
Dr. Effat: what do you think about that? did you finish your sentence period? Is there anything else?
Me: yes I did
Me: if there’s anything else, it must be my social worker; she asked my brother for papers from here, and he didn’t bring it to her.
Me: and that’s it.
Dr. Effat: thank you Somayah you may go now.

Thursday 22nd of September, its 4:00 o’clock in the evening, I just got up of sleeping, I was exhausted after a long conversation with Dr. Aisha and Dr. Effat I hope she will wrote discharged because Dr. Aisha is responsible on group B and she’s a big consultant in this hospital. She told me: tell me everything, why did you ran out of your mother’s house? What happened? From the prison until here. I told here almost everything and I’m tired now, specially after my non-attendance for the magnificent party of our national Independence Day as Saudis. On the other hand, my mom visit me today and my sister is not aloud to see me according to Dr. Effat orders. She brought an olive oil for my legs. an elegant meal from iBurger. plastic bag full of chocolates: sniker, twix, kinder bueno, mars, KitKat and much more. My personal care stuff: toothbrush, aloe vera toothpaste, and papaya soup. And finally a fresh mango juice. Dinner was around 7:15 p.m. and nurses raise the medicine from 4 to 6 ml.

Wednesday 28th of September, a phone call from my mom was around 3:00 o’clock on the evening. tears were dripping like ocean, on the other side my sister talking, powerful individual, silly game, turus, house three in horoscope, what! what! what! wait a minute! My mom also talking: you’ll get out, we will get you out of there. Me thinking about Abdulrahman, and telling my mom to take his number from my small note or my phone and talk to him and tell him, if you love Somayah come and marry her, she has no one after god but you. I want to talk to my father telling him: you don’t see your daughter going around and around herself in endless circle. Why can’t you help me, what’s going on! why you’re silent? How these people can shut you down like this, are you afraid? If so, who are these people from? Government? from the royal family? Or the intelligence services! why can’t you answer me?

Friday 30 of September, and this time the selected book were made by my sister, Omar Hamdi written by J. Kourkis. As I read more about his art and personality as I get closer to grasp and analyze my sister patterns and emotions. Search about him.

August: It’s a gender war

It’s difficult for me to find an inspiration, at these moments I’m trying to find tranquility. Starting to write dairies and essays with English is not easy, and I must develop my literature storage. How much it’s totally hard to believe the amount of injustice and oppression are done in this world, crimes for no reason, penalty without a felony. Recognizing, most crimes are acted against females and children, I don’t want to talk about children’s cases here, gender problems are still eating inside our genes, and their is many reasons for that. According to my research, a gender crime is a hate crime committed against a specific gender. Gender crimes includes; rape, genital mutation, forced prostitution and forced pregnancy. Some of these crimes are committed during armed conflict or during times of political instability. There are cultural factors and biological ones for those crimes. Statistics have been consistent in reporting that men commit more criminal acts than women. Burton, et al 1998 found that low levels of self control are associated with criminal activity,and many professionals in criminology and related sciences have offered explanations for this sex differences, some differing explanations include men’s evolutionary tendency toward risk and violent behavior, sex differences in activity, social support, and gender inequality.

The most prominent crime in my opinion is case of the black dhalia, she is one of the most popular unsolved cases in America, Elizabeth short was murdered and her body were sliced to two pieces, her body were naked and mutable. She was only 22 with bright blue eyes and brown hair, she was murdered in 15th of January 1947. The black tailored suit was last seen wearing become the black dhalia. There is hundreds of examples on Gender crimes and hate crimes acted against women. I’m going to tell my story on this side, a very weird one, it has no roots or beginning, it happened for no reason. He is a black man, his name is Daniel Muhammad, he works in military, I don’t know him, we’ve never met before, he’s not a friend but indeed an enemy. He claims he loves me, ha! He ruined my life and he is the reason behind me being in jail, he wage a silent war against my mind and spirit. He is from United Kingdom and he lives their. The spark were created on last.fm website, the fire still burning in time. I hate him, I hate every single detail remind me of him, this is if I remember him, he whispered silently: eternity with you, you can’t escape without me behind you, holding a knife full of tears. He is stalking me from two thousand and fourteen, now I reached a limit where I’m suffocating. He have an enormous access to all power equipments, things that manipulate people and control them, I don’t know if he can manipulate other things than people, but I’m very curious about how he can make a person think of an idea he have no control over it, I don’t know if I’m right and I didn’t done a search on that, but I guess he use a specialized satellite for this, and this thing can send a message of chemical signals to someone’s brain, then it will be translated to the desired information, finally as thought. Their is a big possibility that he or they whom using this; using a simple computer program, and satellites might not be involved.

Thursday 11th of august, I bought an iPhone 6s and two books from Jarir bookstore, the first one is the American classic: The great gatsby, the other one is the complete poems of William Blake. I’m currently on page 28 from fizgrald’s novel.

Monday 15th of august, my father sent a shipment from Jeddah to Riyadh with the ID card and I’m trying to finish my goal before January in the next year.

Tuesday 23rd of august, I was sent to Alamal complex for mental health, after a pleasant fight between me, my brother and my mom. They’ve decided that hospital is a bitter place for me.

Wednesday 24th of august I started eating risperdal and It was the worst experience in my whole life, I’ve experienced the side effects of it, my eyes were wide open, I was looking upward and I can’t control my neck movements. The nurse “Robina” gives me a cream for muscles then she called the doctor, the doctor ordered them to give me cogantien, after minutes everything became normal, and I was able to sleep.

I met a friend, her name is Shoq Alawda, she’s a 20 year old blonde, born in 2 April 1996. I get used on being here without my sister, I hope she’s doing well at home. Having a short residence in mental health hospital similar to my prison experience. I’ve never imagined that consequences and series of bad decisions will end up me here, this is related to a damaged brain or an overthinking habit! Shoq told me she has bipolar disorder and she hear voices no one else hear, she told me also she invented and designed a wheel chair with remote control, she kissed me on my forehead once, she told me I love you, I didn’t give her more than a smile.