Lilies

Spent the night in Paris

Where we visit Place de Mahmoud Darwish and Sacré-Cœur

I pictured the joy in your heart

And save it for eternity in

Water lilies & mirror lakes

Crab color sky and

cherry ice cream with children

Reminds you of a stolen time.

October: The reality you imposed on me

Thursday, 5th of October, the journey began, I have finally established a physical identity for me, I will receive my ID card after a week. Then, I will open a bank account and finally find a job, I need more than 4000 s. r. per month. I couldn’t imagine things will work for me easily and I don’t want to spent another five years in my country. I will plan to graduate and travel to live abroad. My condolences for everyone felt and live what I’ve been through, governments can use fatal equipments and cruel actions just to prevent any threat possible, even when it doesn’t exist! I can say my reality wasn’t how I wanted, they’ve imposed the hate, anger, insecurity feelings and many other things, I wasn’t me, I wasn’t myself, trouble seems to find me everywhere. Thursday, 12th October, I finally received my books from London and it’s all for Nabokov; Lolita, pale fire and collected poems. I’m currently reading “ I don’t want this poem to end “ for Mahmoud Darwish for the first time and I can’t wait to read the rest! It’s going to be morning tomorrow and I will start my day with a poem, surely it’s going to be the dice player, one of my all time favorites. Friday, 13th of October, I just registered in Athabasca University to take an online bachelor degree in human science, it can be a pre-medicine course as well in different Canadian universities. I’m so happy, there was a weight and it’s completely gone, I will study it in four years, hopefully, I will graduate before 2022 and I’m always changing my plans as usual. Tuesday, 17th of October. Unfortunately, the program is too expensive and I can’t afford it, it’s more than 200, 000 s. r. Anyway, I found an alternate solution. I’m going to study psychology so I can later complete my degree in clinical psychology. I search a lot about online degrees and I found the best is in California Coast University with the best fee plans ever. Friday, 20 October, I’m certain that I’ve changed a lot through the years. I made mistakes, I learn, I grow. Although nothing is certain, there’s amount of hope laying down in my heart and here’s to another beginning for it’s almost the end of the year. I’ve been through a lot of struggles in my college, I studied biology for semester and I made a big mistake when I didn’t study medicine and I transferred to study economics instead. I can call this an endless mourn for me, I would specializes in psychiatry if it happens and I studied medicine so I found a good balance that I will start a refreshing career in psychology and I will hopefully take the master degree in clinical psychology. I have hopes and I will start my online experience soon.

July: A laurel wreath

Trapped, tourtered, and humiliated. The sun in July, things doesn’t get better, I didn’t get the bachlarette degree. I found a temporary solace in darwish’s poems. Searching and surfing the web networks, running breathless like a frightend rabbit. First, second, third, until fourth of July and citizens of United States celebrating thier declaration independence day, for me, it was another day completing misery of a life. Writing, what’s it! an answer or a question, a word or a sentence, how I could lay down my words, just let it bleed, I said, dead on a paper, does my poor English helps? everyone made mistakes and you must learn through time and why you’re writing with English? I love using a universal language, silence will not be useful here. Oh, sorry I’m having a monologue with myself again. You frail pathetic child, they silently told you, muted words, words that don’t exist but in your imagination, oh imagination, where it can lead you! Floating in millions of concepts where it can disperses to thoughts and each of these thoughts lead you to hundreds of meanings and conclusions, where you can spent hours, days or maybe weeks trying to dismantling and recalculating, you end up afraid of getting insane, fed up from it all, I don’t want to think anymore, I don’t. I’m tired, I just want to rest my head on someone’s lap, I want to smell the air and touch the grass, I want the smell of the ocean to cover me as I sleep quietly beside the waves. Where you want to go with your writings? I don’t know! I’m very repressed, I need a space for myself, and I found it here between words. They are using your methods against you, is that conflict theory? You are the expermint since you are devoted to science, is this delisions? No, this is truth. And by that you must learn how to defeat them. They ruin you while you were taking a rest from fighting the demons in your mind.

We celebrates our eid ceremony as represented in Islamic calendar on sixth of July, dressing up like lady Diana’s jeans avrouls, reading for Hemingway, spending time practicing my skills in photography, I love the faded shades of cold colours in a digital image. It’s 8th of July and I’ve completed my 23rd year on this wild place we cold earth. I’m vestal, I’m still virgin even after a deep kiss and skin attachment from whom I love, I’ve never tried anything else, with anybody before him, and I think being sexually abused in your childhood doesn’t count. The scent of English lavender becomes a signature for my room, leaver coloured nail polish and long white sleeveless dress, this is how July was, sunny for the optimist, full of apportonities for the outsider and a new start. I didn’t get any response for the job application, and I’m still searching in vacancies somewhere or any normal job in a bank, restaurant, clinics with a good celery I’m planning to volunteer in United nations or thier subordinate organizations until I found the right time. I want also to find the ideal fellowship, council on foreign affairs had the best programm yet but unfortunately you must be a resident of United States. And since my plans is traveling to Nuremberg or Berlin, I must study in a German university and there is knostans university for applied science and friee Berlin university for international students and mixed cultures, then thier is Humboldt university of Berlin which take my interest and attention, Arthur shopnehour and Karl marks beside Friedrich angles are one of the most important and prominent graduates. Furthermore, it’s the oldest university in Berlin, established in 15 October 1810. There is also Qatar university, university de Geneva, higher school of economics in Moscow and finally Oxford.

Why they don’t just kill me, kill me, a bullet in the head or in my heart. I will fall on my knees, slowly bleeding, slowly breathing, I might not feel the pain, I will peacefully close my eyes forever. Sometimes, we reject the life we live in, then we escape to an alternative one instead, where we can be our selfs, and who we are. It’s not a crime, it’s not a shame, nobody have power over you. On 16th of July, I submitted an online volunteering application, and this should be recorded as my first contact with United Nations and humanitarian action in general. The report was created in 5th of July on human rights in the administration of justice, translation from Arabic to English under category: legal affairs. I talk about my motivation, personal skills, language, academic qualification and I’m waiting for thier approval. I spent a lot of time these days reading horoscopes, as I noticed in my personal natal chart, Neptune in the twelfth house, and it means a sharp intuition and gifted talents such as clairvoyance that need to be practiced. I found that true somehow, I’ve always loved Leo from the zodiac signs, I’ve felt or knew that someday I will married a famous dominating kind of partner, loyal, lovable, and protective. Just like the Leo sign qualities. I surprisingly, found that Mars besid Leo are in my seventh house and this house related to relationships, partnerships and marriage. Mars attracts a person who may have mars in his first house, Leo attracts a king or a queen (in male charts) to your life. One of us must be the star, one is not afraid of being in the spotlight. And I’m going to redraw the picture with a remark from an article. ‘Mars tends to bring a marriage partner of a heavy Aries/Mars emphasis in his natal chart. He will frequently have Mars in his first house, and may be of a military background. There is possibility of him doing any type of work connected with uniform: an officer, a soldier, a policeman, a firefighter, an athlete or a surgeon. His character will be rather touchy and eruptive, while his body will be robust, well-shaped and athletic. Many times, the body will be a huge reason of attraction towards the partner; the sexual energy created between the two natives will be of the strongest nature- even blinding the natal chart owner.’

An overall view on my natal: ascendant in Aquarius and midheaven in Scorpio. I have the sun in Cancer and the moon in Pisces. Saturn in the first house in Aquarius beside the moon. Jupiter in lipra, Venus in Gemini and finally the powerful red planet in Virgo. Their is much more details I’ve previously posted on my tumblr site. http://lapleureusee.tumblr.com/tagged/astrology it is awkward how Aquarians can suffer on hands of others because of thier difference and being socially detached. It’s ultimately describes and unfolds my case. I’ve understood myself more than ever before, I truly appreciate those moments when I were down on my knees, alone, afraid, seeking prophecy, where I could find a road may lead me to God’s kingdom. I found this talk strange on me, I’ve never been able to conquer spiritual areas before. I prefer dealing with hard rightness and lucid results. But from now and on, I will keep an eye wide open to what’s hidden, forgotten and unbearable. I want to touch the truth in all its forms and dimensions, uncompromisingly. I’m overburdened, no money, no school. I don’t have a laptop or a phone, things closed in my face. I’m chasing shadows, kites in the air, I don’t know where to go, I don’t have anything but my pen.

On 27th of July, I’ve recently completed an online diploma about human resources, I just need a bank account to purchase my certificate with approximately 21 €, at least this can raise or uplift my self-esteem a little bit. I’m leaving everything in its proper place, for what days will brings, sooner or later everyone must have what his fate resembles, no less no more, you are who you are, what you create, what you will become, what you want to be, no one can take this from you, no one can force you to do what it is not you.

It’s 30 of July, as Saturn represent myself, it comes here for a reason, he comes under precise family conditions, I know they’re trying to simulate the same controlled environment I were raised in, but he can’t be kept down forever, since he is the ruler.