My mom wanted always to write her story and now, I give you these words mom because I know my story is your story, I’m sorry because I’m away from you, I’m sorry because I left you in an evil world I’m sorry I’m not beside you when you feel sick but god knows I suffered a lot and I needed an escape of that country I needed the courage to start all over again somewhere to be somebody who’s not abused, who’s not humiliated, somewhere to express who I am as an irreligious. I wanted always to be miss international or miss world but I’ve never thought that I’m goin to be a writer, someone who explain his pain and suffering on a paper, I wanted to study politics or economics but I never thought that I’m goin to be in a mental hospital where I eat medication for three months and I was thinking why I didn’t pursue a medical career while I can! It’s too late now, everything has an end and my end is not clear yet I flee Saudi Arabia having nothing but one thing I need to publish my story, at least I’ll have something to live on. I remember you mom giving me gold bracelet when I’m four years old visiting you in hospital after the car accident, here where it all begins. It’s dark I see nothing but a voice calling me give me your hand, it’s my father the car flipped and I was the only one left inside.
Today, I communicate with many people living outside Saudi Arabia, I heard many stories and I’m ready to tell mine! Dr. Taleb Al Abdulmuhsen is one of them, he’s in Germany, a psychiatrist, ex-Muslim and above all anti Saudi government. I asked him that I’m seeking asylum in Sweden, he send me his website (wearesaudis.net) dedicated to Saudi immigrants problems around the world. Here’s my plan! I searched about (Absher system) that make the male guardian of any breathing Saudi female an absolute controller of her own life. She can’t dream of traveling but with a permission and what an injustice community to be living in! Beside that, the Saudi women society is full of stories of oppression from her parent or her husband, brother and above all the government. I’m going to marry someone to be my male-guardian instead my extremely religious father. He’s going to be my husband in front of an unjust system so he can prepare my passport and all my legal papers! It’s sadden me that I tried to do it on my own but I couldn’t, when I wanted to enter the Absher service, it’s said: we will send a message with a verification code to your phone number! I accidentally had my father ID number and his password but unfortunately they well send a message to his number in Jeddah and I will be exposed! In addition, what saddens me more the huge amount of sickening control of our life, in details, everything is controlled, like: what countries allowed to visit? From when to when, do you want to receive a message when your daughter or wife is going to travel outside of Saudi Arabia borders? They didn’t left a chance for us to be a complete citizens of a country or with absolute rights.
I may was considered narcissistic but I’m now the wounded bird with a broken ego and questionable intelligence. It looks they win for a while cause it seems easier to use the sensational world in defining a person, to expose him, to detach him from his own principles, a vulnerable soul. It seems devices/technology are better in judging a human being, from what he smells, eat, read to listen. An approachable thoughts and forgotten privacy, this teaches me to re-find my identity and replace my dignity, it teaches me never to be less when you can have it all.
It’s November, the weather is still hot but it will surely get cold on the end of the month. I can’t wait to start studying again. Everything was pure on a day before sunsets, and I’m trying to restore that solid moments of happiness. The leaves are fallen and prepare it self to a new cycle. I’m going to write with my tears, I don’t have other time to live. It’s time to bring the best in us, live wholly and truly. We are still young and I want to age gracefully, shine brighter through the years. It’s a vision that I created for myself, I want to live through pressed flowers, lavender breath, sweet November air with smells of books and fruits on a rainy day. It’s the sensational life that we observe first and what lie a head it’s a reflection of the mind, in its essence and its complexity. I want to write so I can see myself on papers; diagnose myself and find my identity between the letters. It’s for you who I write and me who I see. So, open your eyes gently and breath under the oak tree, you’re the king of your path. It’s you who I dream of, your lips presses against mine, you smell of oud and umber on jasmine, you told me you will never leave me, you told me I was like honey, years gone by now and I knew with time as it passes by that I will never here your voice again. Here I am covering my eyes with one hand in an empty room full of only darkness, I don’t want to hear voice, I don’t want to hear a voice.
Thursday, 5th of October, the journey began, I have finally established a physical identity for me, I will receive my ID card after a week. Then, I will open a bank account and finally find a job, I need more than 4000 s. r. per month. I couldn’t imagine things will work for me easily and I don’t want to spent another five years in my country. I will plan to graduate and travel to live abroad. My condolences for everyone felt and live what I’ve been through, governments can use fatal equipments and cruel actions just to prevent any threat possible, even when it doesn’t exist! I can say my reality wasn’t how I wanted, they’ve imposed the hate, anger, insecurity feelings and many other things, I wasn’t me, I wasn’t myself, trouble seems to find me everywhere. Thursday, 12th October, I finally received my books from London and it’s all for Nabokov; Lolita, pale fire and collected poems. I’m currently reading “ I don’t want this poem to end “ for Mahmoud Darwish for the first time and I can’t wait to read the rest! It’s going to be morning tomorrow and I will start my day with a poem, surely it’s going to be the dice player, one of my all time favorites. Friday, 13th of October, I just registered in Athabasca University to take an online bachelor degree in human science, it can be a pre-medicine course as well in different Canadian universities. I’m so happy, there was a weight and it’s completely gone, I will study it in four years, hopefully, I will graduate before 2022 and I’m always changing my plans as usual. Tuesday, 17th of October. Unfortunately, the program is too expensive and I can’t afford it, it’s more than 200, 000 s. r. Anyway, I found an alternate solution. I’m going to study psychology so I can later complete my degree in clinical psychology. I search a lot about online degrees and I found the best is in California Coast University with the best fee plans ever. Friday, 20 October, I’m certain that I’ve changed a lot through the years. I made mistakes, I learn, I grow. Although nothing is certain, there’s amount of hope laying down in my heart and here’s to another beginning for it’s almost the end of the year. I’ve been through a lot of struggles in my college, I studied biology for semester and I made a big mistake when I didn’t study medicine and I transferred to study economics instead. I can call this an endless mourn for me, I would specializes in psychiatry if it happens and I studied medicine so I found a good balance that I will start a refreshing career in psychology and I will hopefully take the master degree in clinical psychology. I have hopes and I will start my online experience soon.
Thursday, 17th of August, I have always seen myself as a kid with big hopes and secrets, and I couldn’t handle the worn beliefs nor the rotten beating heart of a human being. In my early years of consciousness I loved my experiences in reading philosophy, I remember reading for the first time to Schopenhauer and later to Nietzsche and I’ve followed blindly what they’ve said although at times I had different opinions. I can’t deny my love for Jesus character, his elegance of being a good man and I’ve sadly wanted to hold a cross necklace one day to represent my appreciation and love for such a great tortured soul. I’ve born in a strictly Muslim family, my father is religiously fanatic and my mother too. Since my childhood; I’ve never found the answer in religion nor praying and I’ve abandoned questioning god. Saturday, 20 of August “kiss me hard before you go, summer time sadness” it’s just the perfect time to say goodbye to summer and this line is from one of my favorite songs of all time. Don’t worry darling, enjoy your days and remember they hate you because they cannot be you, they harasses you because it’s the stupid way of human nature. Don’t worry, you are different, you are pure and beautiful and with this beauty you can create and change the world around you. Tuesday, 22nd of August, I realized that anger leads to no where and noise comes from an empty mind. There’s no way to control our future but through planning, caring about your surroundings is a necessity and do not forget nurturing your soul with knowledge. In my hospital days, I became more and more silent, you almost can never here the heavy sound of my breath, my silence is something many people that surrounds me noticed it. As much as I liked silence, I loved hearing different voices, one of the patients in hospital was singing a strange song, she always repeated it and I kind of heard the sound of the universe in her tunes. Thursday, 24th of August, I don’t want to be smart nor clever, I want to be dumb, dump human being, I want to be stupid bravery and integrity. I don’t want your evil intelligence! Sunday, 27th of August, I was living in a society that full of flaws, I raised in an environment where women’s are attacked harshly and disrespectfully when she does any mistake. I see myself grows as a perfectionist and literally didn’t want anybody to get to me, I failed in many ways.
Monday, tenth of July, It’s difficult to find the right words to describe Killing Joke’s history or musical impressions. I’ve always been fascinated about Jaz Coleman’s reflections on different subjects. For those who didn’t know him, he’s the leading singer and lyricist of this ancient post-punk band. Jaz Coleman is also a theologian, author of the book Letter From Cythera and a great orchestral composer. The band embrace mysticism from the beginning, many opinions on politics, global and environmental issues. I just heard this great interview from June’s last year on BBC radio and I loved to share it with you. https://www.acast.com/someonewhoisntme/episode8-jazcoleman
Wednesday, July 12th a talk I said on isolation and introversion: I totally agree and this reminds me of what schopenhauer said, ” almost all of our sorrows spring out of our relations with other people”. And you can imagine the diverse problems that it may create, I can tell you that I found an endless solace in isolation and I literally have zero friends but my family. My life is much better alone although, I can’t spend a day not reading or hearing or at least caring about the global issues that we create every day! Solitude is a bless and not anyone knows what it truly means to be alone, to have a space to write, to create, to reflect and most importantly to experience your life as a human. In another hand, I must say I have an ultimate pleasure in discovering pure souls and original minds, from painters, photographers to philosophers and scientists, history is full of such inspiring people. So, I don’t expect to find such people in my daily life but pain is worth it and it’s enough for me to find one in my whole life. And here’s the beauty of life in rarity and diversity and we must be adaptable and acceptable to others differences. I hope I made my point clear without any mistakes in English! Have a lovely day. Friday, July 14th I wrote some notes and memories from the past: I’m totally not a Law person, I love science a lot and I understand it completely and I get shocked when I studied Saudi’s law at first time. It was very rigid and full of lies. When I was reading the book, I posed on something that is considerable to human rights, the freedom of expression and existence of different religions for its citizens, I laughed sarcastically in myself saying: oh, really! What a lie! In addition it was a small paragraph less than half the paper from the whole book. Unfortunately I don’t remember the script exactly because I gave the book for one of my colleagues. This was in 2014, later when things happened and I went out of home to live in my own without a permission from any one in 2016. I get shocked again when they catch me by the police officer telling me: there’s institutes for human rights by the way!
Thursday, eighth of June, its Ramadan and I’m living my sweet moments, the weather is hot and dry in Riyadh but I love the feelings of summer. I’m still reading Rumi’s poetry and I hope I will finish it by June. I celebrated the anniversary of writing my own journals on June one and I wish I will keep writing them. I get to know some lovely people online and I had such a beautiful time with them, I didn’t know this amount from a long time. It’s going to be month exactly before my birthday in July eighth and I had so many wonderful memories that may last as rivers traces inside my heart. Tuesday, 20 of June, days pass so fast, I wasn’t able to write anything in the past few days, I was busy with my family and eid’s preparation. My mother is in good health and her case is stable so far and I hope she will get better through time. Wednesday, 28th of June, Ramadan is gone and we celebrated eid alfitr on Sunday, June 25th, I wear an elegant lace white dress from Zara with 669 r.s. I dyed my hair light brown and I will be almost blonde with time. I like to announce that I have a boyfriend now, he’s British, in his twenties, his name is Eddy and he lives in London, he’s very warm, lovable and kindhearted.