June: Warm rivers 

Thursday, eighth of June, its Ramadan and I’m living my sweet moments, the weather is hot and dry in Riyadh but I love the feelings of summer. I’m still reading Rumi’s poetry and I hope I will finish it by June. I celebrated the anniversary of writing my own journals on June one and I wish I will keep writing them. I get to know some lovely people online and I had such a beautiful time with them, I didn’t know this amount from a long time. It’s going to be month exactly before my birthday in July eighth and I had so many wonderful memories that may last as rivers traces inside my heart. Tuesday, 20 of June, days pass so fast, I wasn’t able to write anything in the past few days, I was busy with my family and eid’s preparation. My mother is in good health and her case is stable so far and I hope she will get better through time. Wednesday, 28th of June, Ramadan is gone and we celebrated eid alfitr on Sunday, June 25th, I wear an elegant lace white dress from Zara with 669 r.s. I dyed my hair light brown and I will be almost blonde with time. I like to announce that I have a boyfriend now, he’s British, in his twenties, his name is Eddy and he lives in London, he’s very warm, lovable and kindhearted.

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June: Recreating borders

I heard bad news today, Wensday 1st of June two thousands and sixteen, I was expected to get out of this institution on thirty of May but unfortunately my social specialist, whom’s responsible on my case, surprisingly telling me that we have to spend another ten days here, because of the weird second investigation! As she said you’ve got ‘extension for forty days’. I said: waht!? It’s clear to me that there is a hidden hand in that, he exactly wrote ‘bailment’ and now he is saying ‘forty days under apprehension’. Why? It’s still a question resonates frequently inside my head.

I remembered Nelson Mandela when he wrote the date he entered prison, I don’t remember the reason he do it! the case is very different here, and I guess many people done the same thing before. But, I remember his talk about optimism and his faith in humanity, he said: “I am fundamentally an optimist. Whether that comes from nature or nurture, I cannot say. Part of being optimistic is keeping one’s head pointed toward the sun, one’s feet moving forward. There were many dark moments when my faith in humanity was sorely tested, but I would not and could not give myself up to despair. That way lays defeat and death.” away a little bit from mandela’s talk, I mentioned in my very first investigation, in March, two thousands and sexteen ‘politics’ but they said to me we don’t want the case to be bigger, because it’s just absence now! Seriously, it should be as it is, I didn’t mention the whole process of pain and pressure I’ve been through. All I do now is sitting with myself and think, think and think, I’ve set a goal, a goal to succee whatever this means, or however self-development sounds, a goal to reasonable safety and to live, I want to start pursue it.

Goal mapping: Submit an application for asylum in Germany
Time period: 1 Aug 2016 – 1 Jan 2017

I’m standing against God and every religion that put us centuries backwards and drag us down, I oath to raise my voice and I will never silence the right. I relinquish my nationality and I don’t want any relations with my country. I want to report my dignity as a human to United Nations and I want them to deal with the violation of human rights perpetrated against me, since I was 19 years old. I’m pulling myself together, I’m trying to be strong, I have so much to give to the world. I want to live in Germany and to complete my study in one of thier universities. Im planning to report a political aslym thier, so I can later have the German nationality at least when I will be 29 years old. These are my goals, and this is what I will work hard for, but the trouble with the people they try to stop me by thinking they can help me, or they can understand me. Forgive me, but you’re doing unforgivable mistake.

Wednesday, 8th of June, we were judged on (the second case: seclusion – forbidden relationship) six months and 40 lashes in prison, what that supposed to mean? Yes, it’s very heavy title but this is how they classify us, and this is how they judge according to Islamic law. He make sure that (Ramadan remission) well let us free, since I object on the 6 months, and I said three months is acceptable and more than enough, he said you won’t stay more than week, here, I agreed, he can do his work and we will have what we want in the end.

What happened in that part of our story with the two Moroccan men is natural and not important, and this is why I’m going to write the details! We were sitting around building above the stairs, Faisaliah tower was on the left side and Mustafa comes to us around five times repeating he want to help us if we need a home to stay or sleep at, and he had many people in that situation before and he helped them. Him, his self saying; that he was sleeping in public park years ago, and he see himself in us. We reluctantly  agreed, and he took us to his married friend Abdelrazaq, later we discovered he wasn’t married! Mustafa tried to get close from me that night but I refused. We slept in Abdelrazaq’s house  for one day. 29th of April, at 3 or 4 a.m. Abdelrazaq confirmed us that his Saudi patron told him, criminal search want him, and he ‘Abdelrazaq’ told him: that the only thing he got is the weed! And you know about that! But there is another thing was obvious here! Rapidly, he gives us money for the taxi ride and we didn’t see him or his friend again.

On first two weeks of our resident in prison we met two black ladies, Nada is a drug dealer, Dua’a is absent and wanted for two years, she was travelling as a man with a fake identity card, they’re hilarious! we spent the most insane moments with the sound of our giggling and laughing around the dorm. Then I knew Ahlam and she’s 17 years old, her case is about a man she ran with him and he stole her virginity and left her with nothing, she’s facing a year in prison and threatens from her family.

What I learned and conquered is more than my writing ability could shattered, so surely there is some missing pieces. The concept of that prison (girls tutorship institution) is upside down with me, there is only 27 girls here! From more than 7 millions living in Riyadh and the title speak about itself. I don’t know yet why would somebody have joy for bothering me! They literally destroyed my life, I don’t want to repeat the same words again but I want this shit to stop, just stop! I can’t do anything straight, I need a long time to recover, just like forever! I want to feel peace, I want that feelings of having another person sharing my skin to stop. These horrible thoughts comes to my mind again, tainted my living, they see me naked! They are laughing at me, I’m under psychic pressure, I don’t think this could even happen to a political prisoner, this is more than what a human being could take. I’m in governmental game! This is not an easy shit, what have I done? Is this beautiful mind? Am I schizophrenic!? I didn’t get over it, I didn’t, self destruction is here, I’m losing it. Month after month, I didn’t get it, I didn’t explain it very well, it’s heavy, it’s more than that. What I know now, that I’m down from my ivory tower, I’m close to earth, close to people, to experience and to life. I don’t know what days will bring but I’m ready for it, I’m awake and I can survive.

Saturday, 11th of June. I wrote down in another boring day at prison: they can take away my smile, my degrees, my academic life, they can steal my thoughts and memories, my rights, but they can never reach me nor break my identity. I might deal with threatens on my life since I revealed what I have kept for years, now. I’m taking science as method and way of protecting the truth and lightning our road in the dark.

Finally, we were out of prison on Thursday 16th of June, after coercion and compression acted by our social specialist. we spent exactly month and two weeks their. We’re back, to the life of pain, to the old rotten memories. I resumed my search for a job and I started trying to find the suitable vacancies in un and other international organisations, I made my first application to Deutsche Gesellschaft für Internationale Zusammenarbeit on 21st of june and here is my litter to the responsible hiring manager, Yvonne Perner. Im spending my latest June’s heavy days with love of my life Abdulrahman, I’m expecting to buy well designed glasses on 29th of June with 700 r.s. for the frame and lenses, and above all, we are all waiting for salvation. I would like to end my first post with a remark for Karl Kraus, the world is a prison which solitary confinment preferable.