Lilies

Spent the night in Paris

Where we visit Place de Mahmoud Darwish and Sacré-Cœur

I pictured the joy in your heart

And save it for eternity in

Water lilies & mirror lakes

Crab color sky and

cherry ice cream with children

Reminds you of a stolen time.

Lantern

It was the day you remembered

Fragments of my heart has stolen

It was the day you died

in front of me hundreds of times

Lavish man with

a soft beard & lantern

It was the day, but it’s not yet

It’s not the day

To call me

A lover

A sweetheart

Purge myself from the past

Trying the hardest while I can

Mama, my heart only escaped

Sad to bring this upon you
You, my loved one
You, my sunshine
when I needed the light
You’re the water nature of myself
You’re the earth
when I needed to feel comfort

Mama, Hated the country
But never the home
I wanted freedom but
Never to escape

I’m stayin’ I’m leavin’
I’ll be here until
I found myself that once lost
Mama, my heart only escaped

White blues

Here it’s, a three years anniversary
Woke up this morning
with sunflower in my mouth
In a place where I don’t want to be in
Here it’s three years in November
Struggling with family
Struggling with medicines, with purple life

I remember when I was hospitalized
In a mental institute, for the first time
I stayed for three months
I don’t know if this number
should mean something
but I was even sleeping in room number three
Seems so far away now
But the feeling is the same, never changed

I know I’m not sick; I told myself
and I can’t leave my dream to escape behind me
Bi-polar starts getting closer to my skin
Closer than it should be
Everyday I became the medication or
It became me
Sweet baby tablet of Abilify,
How it affects someone’s body
Someone’s brain
Does it numb your pain too?

White blues
I got all the time to do the things
That never did before
I got a life I never wanted to lose it
So let’s make some memories
Milk & water, white beds
Pancakes on breakfast and tears in the morning
Clean halls and nurses
surrounds you in every occasion
Walking in empty circles all day long
Getting used on the weird talk
The weird stares
Become one of them
By time you’ll stop worrying about the life outside
the hospital became all your life
where you become caught in every detail

Nothing much I missed but the warm summer sun
Celebrating my birthday and
Wearing my favorite clothes
Three years now I still remember vividly The smell of illness and the noise

Black mirror: Bandersnatch game guide

Stefan is a 19 years old who woke up one day on 9th, July of 1984 reading a narrative called Bandersnatch by Jerome F. Davies, it was his mom’s favorite novel, so he decided to design a game by the same name and idea; when you can choose what will happen to your character, programming different paths and different endings. Through this process, he’s questioning his free of will and control over his destiny, the same reason that led the author Jerome F. Davies to kill his wife and beheaded her. If you ever wondered if Jerome F. was a real person/writer? No, he wasn’t! He’s a fictional character although I’m not sure about the game Bndersnatch. According to some articles I read, they did say it exist back in the eighties in another name or form but it never been released. Now, we must also know that Stefan felt guilty all his life about letting his moms catch a late train that night when he was five years old kid, he believe its because of him she died. You will definitely discover that in the interactive choices that’s given to you, when you choose Yes, to talk a bout it.

I loved watching this, really, its dark and authentic, I told myself oh god I’m stupid because I wasn’t close enough to hear the numbers which lead me to let Stefan die in another timeline with his mom, here I am to my very own first ending. I was shocked at first, is that it? No, It cant be, I’m really dumb because I just missed typing the number when he discovered his father is a bad government agent and Stefan is Program & Control study victim! But later, he was in jail again and that wasn’t really the way or at least a better ending based on my standards. There’s no right or wrong, there’s choices and there’s a better choice indeed. I spent all day long figuring out new paths and what it may leads me to, its a game within a game. You’re choosing what will happen to Stefan, or what he will do and which music he listen to although you really don’t have much of choice over your film/game ending but you can think of a more complex programming or story, how it will look like? it’s really fascinating! Lets back to whats this article about, here’s a diagram stating all the possibilities and endings to this film in the same classic maps that have two possibilities symbol.

I somehow neglect options that didn’t have significant change, for example the cereals choice at the begging it didn’t change something obvious but the one you already choose comes as an advertisement later so technically in programming there’s two different paths from the first choice but it didn’t effect my story, its just a matter of taste. Enjoy and happy Christmas to all of you!

Untitled Diagram

December: The grey chapter

Today, I communicate with many people living outside Saudi Arabia, I heard many stories and I’m ready to tell mine! Dr. Taleb Al Abdulmuhsen is one of them, he’s in Germany, a psychiatrist, ex-Muslim and above all anti Saudi government. I asked him that I’m seeking asylum in Sweden, he send me his website (wearesaudis.net) dedicated to Saudi immigrants problems around the world. Here’s my plan! I searched about (Absher system) that make the male guardian of any breathing Saudi female an absolute controller of her own life. She can’t dream of traveling but with a permission and what an injustice community to be living in! Beside that, the Saudi women society is full of stories of oppression from her parent or her husband, brother and above all the government. I’m going to marry someone to be my male-guardian instead my extremely religious father. He’s going to be my husband in front of an unjust system so he can prepare my passport and all my legal papers! It’s sadden me that I tried to do it on my own but I couldn’t, when I wanted to enter the Absher service, it’s said: we will send a message with a verification code to your phone number! I accidentally had my father ID number and his password but unfortunately they well send a message to his number in Jeddah and I will be exposed! In addition, what saddens me more the huge amount of sickening control of our life, in details, everything is controlled, like: what countries allowed to visit? From when to when, do you want to receive a message when your daughter or wife is going to travel outside of Saudi Arabia borders? They didn’t left a chance for us to be a complete citizens of a country or with absolute rights.

I may was considered narcissistic but I’m now the wounded bird with a broken ego and questionable intelligence. It looks they win for a while cause it seems easier to use the sensational world in defining a person, to expose him, to detach him from his own principles, a vulnerable soul. It seems devices/technology are better in judging a human being, from what he smells, eat, read to listen. An approachable thoughts and forgotten privacy, this teaches me to re-find my identity and replace my dignity, it teaches me never to be less when you can have it all.

November: Crimson sun

It’s November, the weather is still hot but it will surely get cold on the end of the month. I can’t wait to start studying again. Everything was pure on a day before sunsets, and I’m trying to restore that solid moments of happiness. The leaves are fallen and prepare it self to a new cycle. I’m going to write with my tears, I don’t have other time to live. It’s time to bring the best in us, live wholly and truly. We are still young and I want to age gracefully, shine brighter through the years. It’s a vision that I created for myself, I want to live through pressed flowers, lavender breath, sweet November air with smells of books and fruits on a rainy day. It’s the sensational life that we observe first and what lie a head it’s a reflection of the mind, in its essence and its complexity. I want to write so I can see myself on papers; diagnose myself and find my identity between the letters. It’s for you who I write and me who I see. So, open your eyes gently and breath under the oak tree, you’re the king of your path. It’s you who I dream of, your lips presses against mine, you smell of oud and umber on jasmine, you told me you will never leave me, you told me I was like honey, years gone by now and I knew with time as it passes by that I will never here your voice again. Here I am covering my eyes with one hand in an empty room full of only darkness, I don’t want to hear voice, I don’t want to hear a voice.