A day at the ritz

An ordinary day of February’s cold nights at the Ritz Carlton, Riyadh! where we played bowling, billiards and ate dinner at Circle restaurant

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Black mirror: Bandersnatch game guide

Stefan is a 19 years old who woke up one day on 9th, July of 1984 reading a narrative called Bandersnatch by Jerome F. Davies, it was his mom’s favorite novel, so he decided to design a game by the same name and idea; when you can choose what will happen to your character, programming different paths and different endings. Through this process, he’s questioning his free of will and control over his destiny, the same reason that led the author Jerome F. Davies to kill his wife and beheaded her. If you ever wondered if Jerome F. was a real person/writer? No, he wasn’t! He’s a fictional character although I’m not sure about the game Bndersnatch. According to some articles I read, they did say it exist back in the eighties in another name or form but it never been released. Now, we must also know that Stefan felt guilty all his life about letting his moms catch a late train that night when he was five years old kid, he believe its because of him she died. You will definitely discover that in the interactive choices that’s given to you, when you choose Yes, to talk a bout it.

I loved watching this, really, its dark and authentic, I told myself oh god I’m stupid because I wasn’t close enough to hear the numbers which lead me to let Stefan die in another timeline with his mom, here I am to my very own first ending. I was shocked at first, is that it? No, It cant be, I’m really dumb because I just missed typing the number when he discovered his father is a bad government agent and Stefan is Program & Control study victim! But later, he was in jail again and that wasn’t really the way or at least a better ending based on my standards. There’s no right or wrong, there’s choices and there’s a better choice indeed. I spent all day long figuring out new paths and what it may leads me to, its a game within a game. You’re choosing what will happen to Stefan, or what he will do and which music he listen to although you really don’t have much of choice over your film/game ending but you can think of a more complex programming or story, how it will look like? it’s really fascinating! Lets back to whats this article about, here’s a diagram stating all the possibilities and endings to this film in the same classic maps that have two possibilities symbol.

I somehow neglect options that didn’t have significant change, for example the cereals choice at the begging it didn’t change something obvious but the one you already choose comes as an advertisement later so technically in programming there’s two different paths from the first choice but it didn’t effect my story, its just a matter of taste. Enjoy and happy Christmas to all of you!

Untitled Diagram

December: The grey chapter

Today, I communicate with many people living outside Saudi Arabia, I heard many stories and I’m ready to tell mine! Dr. Taleb Al Abdulmuhsen is one of them, he’s in Germany, a psychiatrist, ex-Muslim and above all anti Saudi government. I asked him that I’m seeking asylum in Sweden, he send me his website (wearesaudis.net) dedicated to Saudi immigrants problems around the world. Here’s my plan! I searched about (Absher system) that make the male guardian of any breathing Saudi female an absolute controller of her own life. She can’t dream of traveling but with a permission and what an injustice community to be living in! Beside that, the Saudi women society is full of stories of oppression from her parent or her husband, brother and above all the government. I’m going to marry someone to be my male-guardian instead my extremely religious father. He’s going to be my husband in front of an unjust system so he can prepare my passport and all my legal papers! It’s sadden me that I tried to do it on my own but I couldn’t, when I wanted to enter the Absher service, it’s said: we will send a message with a verification code to your phone number! I accidentally had my father ID number and his password but unfortunately they well send a message to his number in Jeddah and I will be exposed! In addition, what saddens me more the huge amount of sickening control of our life, in details, everything is controlled, like: what countries allowed to visit? From when to when, do you want to receive a message when your daughter or wife is going to travel outside of Saudi Arabia borders? They didn’t left a chance for us to be a complete citizens of a country or with absolute rights.

I may was considered narcissistic but I’m now the wounded bird with a broken ego and questionable intelligence. It looks they win for a while cause it seems easier to use the sensational world in defining a person, to expose him, to detach him from his own principles, a vulnerable soul. It seems devices/technology are better in judging a human being, from what he smells, eat, read to listen. An approachable thoughts and forgotten privacy, this teaches me to re-find my identity and replace my dignity, it teaches me never to be less when you can have it all.

November: Crimson sun

It’s November, the weather is still hot but it will surely get cold on the end of the month. I can’t wait to start studying again. Everything was pure on a day before sunsets, and I’m trying to restore that solid moments of happiness. The leaves are fallen and prepare it self to a new cycle. I’m going to write with my tears, I don’t have other time to live. It’s time to bring the best in us, live wholly and truly. We are still young and I want to age gracefully, shine brighter through the years. It’s a vision that I created for myself, I want to live through pressed flowers, lavender breath, sweet November air with smells of books and fruits on a rainy day. It’s the sensational life that we observe first and what lie a head it’s a reflection of the mind, in its essence and its complexity. I want to write so I can see myself on papers; diagnose myself and find my identity between the letters. It’s for you who I write and me who I see. So, open your eyes gently and breath under the oak tree, you’re the king of your path. It’s you who I dream of, your lips presses against mine, you smell of oud and umber on jasmine, you told me you will never leave me, you told me I was like honey, years gone by now and I knew with time as it passes by that I will never here your voice again. Here I am covering my eyes with one hand in an empty room full of only darkness, I don’t want to hear voice, I don’t want to hear a voice.

October: The reality you imposed on me

Thursday, 5th of October, the journey began, I have finally established a physical identity for me, I will receive my ID card after a week. Then, I will open a bank account and finally find a job, I need more than 4000 s. r. per month. I couldn’t imagine things will work for me easily and I don’t want to spent another five years in my country. I will plan to graduate and travel to live abroad. My condolences for everyone felt and live what I’ve been through, governments can use fatal equipments and cruel actions just to prevent any threat possible, even when it doesn’t exist! I can say my reality wasn’t how I wanted, they’ve imposed the hate, anger, insecurity feelings and many other things, I wasn’t me, I wasn’t myself, trouble seems to find me everywhere. Thursday, 12th October, I finally received my books from London and it’s all for Nabokov; Lolita, pale fire and collected poems. I’m currently reading “ I don’t want this poem to end “ for Mahmoud Darwish for the first time and I can’t wait to read the rest! It’s going to be morning tomorrow and I will start my day with a poem, surely it’s going to be the dice player, one of my all time favorites. Friday, 13th of October, I just registered in Athabasca University to take an online bachelor degree in human science, it can be a pre-medicine course as well in different Canadian universities. I’m so happy, there was a weight and it’s completely gone, I will study it in four years, hopefully, I will graduate before 2022 and I’m always changing my plans as usual. Tuesday, 17th of October. Unfortunately, the program is too expensive and I can’t afford it, it’s more than 200, 000 s. r. Anyway, I found an alternate solution. I’m going to study psychology so I can later complete my degree in clinical psychology. I search a lot about online degrees and I found the best is in California Coast University with the best fee plans ever. Friday, 20 October, I’m certain that I’ve changed a lot through the years. I made mistakes, I learn, I grow. Although nothing is certain, there’s amount of hope laying down in my heart and here’s to another beginning for it’s almost the end of the year. I’ve been through a lot of struggles in my college, I studied biology for semester and I made a big mistake when I didn’t study medicine and I transferred to study economics instead. I can call this an endless mourn for me, I would specializes in psychiatry if it happens and I studied medicine so I found a good balance that I will start a refreshing career in psychology and I will hopefully take the master degree in clinical psychology. I have hopes and I will start my online experience soon.

September: A scholar rituals

Sunday, 3rd of September, I guess I achieved a lot in my life on mental and spiritual level, being an empowered individual and targeted in the same time is an achievement in itself. I talk to a strange person, I didn’t knew very well and he told me that your innocent face and rounded eye glasses reminds me of the ancient city of Paris. So, the old habits is back, the one who used to harasses me is here again, they can’t leave me alone, with my own burden of living, they can’t leave me with the thorn in my side.

Saturday, 16th of September, I was preparing to start attending school this year but unfortunately I’ve had many issues will let me delay it until next semester. It’s totally fine with me, I guess I will graduate in 2020 and I will complete the master hopefully in international relations. Tuesday, 19th of September, I have experienced many hurtful situations, I’ve bled silently, I’m not a feeler, I’ve been through many struggles, I’ve faced my fears and stands in the dark alone. I’ve always been into romanticism and I’ve always escaped to it. I’m currently reading “Memoirs of a Dutiful Daughter” and Simone de Beauvoir’s simple language full of knowledge didn’t surprises me, it was such an inspiration and my ultimate passion and desire is to create such a vision in my own diaries.

Wednesday, 27th of September, they’ve known who I am before me knowing myself, from a very long time. I’ve had my worst dreams and fears and they were with me silently watching. I hated everything, I wanted everything, I’ve actually had everything except peace of mind. Friday, 29th of September, lying in my bed, rearranging many things, loving the small moments of autumn and preparing for winter. I still keep remembering what I’ve been through and what happened with me between the hands of Saudi government. I still have hope and I dream of a better future for all of us.