December: The grey chapter

Today, I communicate with many people living outside Saudi Arabia, I heard many stories and I’m ready to tell mine! Dr. Taleb Al Abdulmuhsen is one of them, he’s in Germany, a psychiatrist, ex-Muslim and above all anti Saudi government. I asked him that I’m seeking asylum in Sweden, he send me his website (wearesaudis.net) dedicated to Saudi immigrants problems around the world. Here’s my plan! I searched about (Absher system) that make the male guardian of any breathing Saudi female an absolute controller of her own life. She can’t dream of traveling but with a permission and what an injustice community to be living in! Beside that, the Saudi women society is full of stories of oppression from her parent or her husband, brother and above all the government. I’m going to marry someone to be my male-guardian instead my extremely religious father. He’s going to be my husband in front of an unjust system so he can prepare my passport and all my legal papers! It’s sadden me that I tried to do it on my own but I couldn’t, when I wanted to enter the Absher service, it’s said: we will send a message with a verification code to your phone number! I accidentally had my father ID number and his password but unfortunately they well send a message to his number in Jeddah and I will be exposed! In addition, what saddens me more the huge amount of sickening control of our life, in details, everything is controlled, like: what countries allowed to visit? From when to when, do you want to receive a message when your daughter or wife is going to travel outside of Saudi Arabia borders? They didn’t left a chance for us to be a complete citizens of a country or with absolute rights.

I may was considered narcissistic but I’m now the wounded bird with a broken ego and questionable intelligence. It looks they win for a while cause it seems easier to use the sensational world in defining a person, to expose him, to detach him from his own principles, a vulnerable soul. It seems devices/technology are better in judging a human being, from what he smells, eat, read to listen. An approachable thoughts and forgotten privacy, this teaches me to re-find my identity and replace my dignity, it teaches me never to be less when you can have it all.

August: Before the beginning

Thursday, 17th of August, I have always seen myself as a kid with big hopes and secrets, and I couldn’t handle the worn beliefs nor the rotten beating heart of a human being. In my early years of consciousness I loved my experiences in reading philosophy, I remember reading for the first time to Schopenhauer and later to Nietzsche and I’ve followed blindly what they’ve said although at times I had different opinions. I can’t deny my love for Jesus character, his elegance of being a good man and I’ve sadly wanted to hold a cross necklace one day to represent my appreciation and love for such a great tortured soul. I’ve born in a strictly Muslim family, my father is religiously fanatic and my mother too. Since my childhood; I’ve never found the answer in religion nor praying and I’ve abandoned questioning god. Saturday, 20 of August “kiss me hard before you go, summer time sadness” it’s just the perfect time to say goodbye to summer and this line is from one of my favorite songs of all time. Don’t worry darling, enjoy your days and remember they hate you because they cannot be you, they harasses you because it’s the stupid way of human nature. Don’t worry, you are different, you are pure and beautiful and with this beauty you can create and change the world around you. Tuesday, 22nd of August, I realized that anger leads to no where and noise comes from an empty mind. There’s no way to control our future but through planning, caring about your surroundings is a necessity and do not forget nurturing your soul with knowledge. In my hospital days, I became more and more silent, you almost can never here the heavy sound of my breath, my silence is something many people that surrounds me noticed it. As much as I liked silence, I loved hearing different voices, one of the patients in hospital was singing a strange song, she always repeated it and I kind of heard the sound of the universe in her tunes. Thursday, 24th of August, I don’t want to be smart nor clever, I want to be dumb, dump human being, I want to be stupid bravery and integrity. I don’t want your evil intelligence! Sunday, 27th of August, I was living in a society that full of flaws, I raised in an environment where women’s are attacked harshly and disrespectfully when she does any mistake. I see myself grows as a perfectionist and literally didn’t want anybody to get to me, I failed in many ways.