December: The grey chapter

Today, I communicate with many people living outside Saudi Arabia, I heard many stories and I’m ready to tell mine! Dr. Taleb Al Abdulmuhsen is one of them, he’s in Germany, a psychiatrist, ex-Muslim and above all anti Saudi government. I asked him that I’m seeking asylum in Sweden, he send me his website (wearesaudis.net) dedicated to Saudi immigrants problems around the world. Here’s my plan! I searched about (Absher system) that make the male guardian of any breathing Saudi female an absolute controller of her own life. She can’t dream of traveling but with a permission and what an injustice community to be living in! Beside that, the Saudi women society is full of stories of oppression from her parent or her husband, brother and above all the government. I’m going to marry someone to be my male-guardian instead my extremely religious father. He’s going to be my husband in front of an unjust system so he can prepare my passport and all my legal papers! It’s sadden me that I tried to do it on my own but I couldn’t, when I wanted to enter the Absher service, it’s said: we will send a message with a verification code to your phone number! I accidentally had my father ID number and his password but unfortunately they well send a message to his number in Jeddah and I will be exposed! In addition, what saddens me more the huge amount of sickening control of our life, in details, everything is controlled, like: what countries allowed to visit? From when to when, do you want to receive a message when your daughter or wife is going to travel outside of Saudi Arabia borders? They didn’t left a chance for us to be a complete citizens of a country or with absolute rights.

I may was considered narcissistic but I’m now the wounded bird with a broken ego and questionable intelligence. It looks they win for a while cause it seems easier to use the sensational world in defining a person, to expose him, to detach him from his own principles, a vulnerable soul. It seems devices/technology are better in judging a human being, from what he smells, eat, read to listen. An approachable thoughts and forgotten privacy, this teaches me to re-find my identity and replace my dignity, it teaches me never to be less when you can have it all.

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July: Notes from the past

Monday, tenth of July, It’s difficult to find the right words to describe Killing Joke’s history or musical impressions. I’ve always been fascinated about Jaz Coleman’s reflections on different subjects. For those who didn’t know him, he’s the leading singer and lyricist of this ancient post-punk band. Jaz Coleman is also a theologian, author of the book Letter From Cythera and a great orchestral composer. The band embrace mysticism from the beginning, many opinions on politics, global and environmental issues. I just heard this great interview from June’s last year on BBC radio and I loved to share it with you. https://www.acast.com/someonewhoisntme/episode8-jazcoleman
Wednesday, July 12th a talk I said on isolation and introversion: I totally agree and this reminds me of what schopenhauer said, ” almost all of our sorrows spring out of our relations with other people”. And you can imagine the diverse problems that it may create, I can tell you that I found an endless solace in isolation and I literally have zero friends but my family. My life is much better alone although, I can’t spend a day not reading or hearing or at least caring about the global issues that we create every day! Solitude is a bless and not anyone knows what it truly means to be alone, to have a space to write, to create, to reflect and most importantly to experience your life as a human. In another hand, I must say I have an ultimate pleasure in discovering pure souls and original minds, from painters, photographers to philosophers and scientists, history is full of such inspiring people. So, I don’t expect to find such people in my daily life but pain is worth it and it’s enough for me to find one in my whole life. And here’s the beauty of life in rarity and diversity and we must be adaptable and acceptable to others differences. I hope I made my point clear without any mistakes in English! Have a lovely day. Friday, July 14th I wrote some notes and memories from the past: I’m totally not a Law person, I love science a lot and I understand it completely and I get shocked when I studied Saudi’s law at first time. It was very rigid and full of lies. When I was reading the book, I posed on something that is considerable to human rights, the freedom of expression and existence of different religions for its citizens, I laughed sarcastically in myself saying: oh, really! What a lie! In addition it was a small paragraph less than half the paper from the whole book. Unfortunately I don’t remember the script exactly because I gave the book for one of my colleagues. This was in 2014, later when things happened and I went out of home to live in my own without a permission from any one in 2016. I get shocked again when they catch me by the police officer telling me: there’s institutes for human rights by the way!

June: Recreating borders

I heard bad news today, Wensday 1st of June two thousands and sixteen, I was expected to get out of this institution on thirty of May but unfortunately my social specialist, whom’s responsible on my case, surprisingly telling me that we have to spend another ten days here, because of the weird second investigation! As she said you’ve got ‘extension for forty days’. I said: waht!? It’s clear to me that there is a hidden hand in that, he exactly wrote ‘bailment’ and now he is saying ‘forty days under apprehension’. Why? It’s still a question resonates frequently inside my head.

I remembered Nelson Mandela when he wrote the date he entered prison, I don’t remember the reason he do it! the case is very different here, and I guess many people done the same thing before. But, I remember his talk about optimism and his faith in humanity, he said: “I am fundamentally an optimist. Whether that comes from nature or nurture, I cannot say. Part of being optimistic is keeping one’s head pointed toward the sun, one’s feet moving forward. There were many dark moments when my faith in humanity was sorely tested, but I would not and could not give myself up to despair. That way lays defeat and death.” away a little bit from mandela’s talk, I mentioned in my very first investigation, in March, two thousands and sexteen ‘politics’ but they said to me we don’t want the case to be bigger, because it’s just absence now! Seriously, it should be as it is, I didn’t mention the whole process of pain and pressure I’ve been through. All I do now is sitting with myself and think, think and think, I’ve set a goal, a goal to succee whatever this means, or however self-development sounds, a goal to reasonable safety and to live, I want to start pursue it.

Goal mapping: Submit an application for asylum in Germany
Time period: 1 Aug 2016 – 1 Jan 2017

I’m standing against God and every religion that put us centuries backwards and drag us down, I oath to raise my voice and I will never silence the right. I relinquish my nationality and I don’t want any relations with my country. I want to report my dignity as a human to United Nations and I want them to deal with the violation of human rights perpetrated against me, since I was 19 years old. I’m pulling myself together, I’m trying to be strong, I have so much to give to the world. I want to live in Germany and to complete my study in one of thier universities. Im planning to report a political aslym thier, so I can later have the German nationality at least when I will be 29 years old. These are my goals, and this is what I will work hard for, but the trouble with the people they try to stop me by thinking they can help me, or they can understand me. Forgive me, but you’re doing unforgivable mistake.

Wednesday, 8th of June, we were judged on (the second case: seclusion – forbidden relationship) six months and 40 lashes in prison, what that supposed to mean? Yes, it’s very heavy title but this is how they classify us, and this is how they judge according to Islamic law. He make sure that (Ramadan remission) well let us free, since I object on the 6 months, and I said three months is acceptable and more than enough, he said you won’t stay more than week, here, I agreed, he can do his work and we will have what we want in the end.

What happened in that part of our story with the two Moroccan men is natural and not important, and this is why I’m going to write the details! We were sitting around building above the stairs, Faisaliah tower was on the left side and Mustafa comes to us around five times repeating he want to help us if we need a home to stay or sleep at, and he had many people in that situation before and he helped them. Him, his self saying; that he was sleeping in public park years ago, and he see himself in us. We reluctantly  agreed, and he took us to his married friend Abdelrazaq, later we discovered he wasn’t married! Mustafa tried to get close from me that night but I refused. We slept in Abdelrazaq’s house  for one day. 29th of April, at 3 or 4 a.m. Abdelrazaq confirmed us that his Saudi patron told him, criminal search want him, and he ‘Abdelrazaq’ told him: that the only thing he got is the weed! And you know about that! But there is another thing was obvious here! Rapidly, he gives us money for the taxi ride and we didn’t see him or his friend again.

On first two weeks of our resident in prison we met two black ladies, Nada is a drug dealer, Dua’a is absent and wanted for two years, she was travelling as a man with a fake identity card, they’re hilarious! we spent the most insane moments with the sound of our giggling and laughing around the dorm. Then I knew Ahlam and she’s 17 years old, her case is about a man she ran with him and he stole her virginity and left her with nothing, she’s facing a year in prison and threatens from her family.

What I learned and conquered is more than my writing ability could shattered, so surely there is some missing pieces. The concept of that prison (girls tutorship institution) is upside down with me, there is only 27 girls here! From more than 7 millions living in Riyadh and the title speak about itself. I don’t know yet why would somebody have joy for bothering me! They literally destroyed my life, I don’t want to repeat the same words again but I want this shit to stop, just stop! I can’t do anything straight, I need a long time to recover, just like forever! I want to feel peace, I want that feelings of having another person sharing my skin to stop. These horrible thoughts comes to my mind again, tainted my living, they see me naked! They are laughing at me, I’m under psychic pressure, I don’t think this could even happen to a political prisoner, this is more than what a human being could take. I’m in governmental game! This is not an easy shit, what have I done? Is this beautiful mind? Am I schizophrenic!? I didn’t get over it, I didn’t, self destruction is here, I’m losing it. Month after month, I didn’t get it, I didn’t explain it very well, it’s heavy, it’s more than that. What I know now, that I’m down from my ivory tower, I’m close to earth, close to people, to experience and to life. I don’t know what days will bring but I’m ready for it, I’m awake and I can survive.

Saturday, 11th of June. I wrote down in another boring day at prison: they can take away my smile, my degrees, my academic life, they can steal my thoughts and memories, my rights, but they can never reach me nor break my identity. I might deal with threatens on my life since I revealed what I have kept for years, now. I’m taking science as method and way of protecting the truth and lightning our road in the dark.

Finally, we were out of prison on Thursday 16th of June, after coercion and compression acted by our social specialist. we spent exactly month and two weeks their. We’re back, to the life of pain, to the old rotten memories. I resumed my search for a job and I started trying to find the suitable vacancies in un and other international organisations, I made my first application to Deutsche Gesellschaft für Internationale Zusammenarbeit on 21st of june and here is my litter to the responsible hiring manager, Yvonne Perner. Im spending my latest June’s heavy days with love of my life Abdulrahman, I’m expecting to buy well designed glasses on 29th of June with 700 r.s. for the frame and lenses, and above all, we are all waiting for salvation. I would like to end my first post with a remark for Karl Kraus, the world is a prison which solitary confinment preferable.