May: Spring’s blossomĀ 

Wednesday, May 3rd, I feel like I am really clear and honest with myself and this reflects on how I talk and pursue things, I was having a conversation with a friend I don’t know much about him, he told me something and he ask me after a long talk about his lover that didn’t want him, a question about the beauty of the body and how it belongs to our desires and I answered him with: of course sensuality is part of art and art reflects our feelings and desires. Monday, 8th of May, some people act weirdly, and I’m trying to understand them. You don’t have to be pathetic just because I’m smarter than you, this is what happened with the same person I’ve previously mentioned, he kept misbehaving and I give him a second chance but he kept repeating what I’m saying with stupid and childish way, last thing I said to him is ‘can I know what’s wrong with you?’ And he repeated my sentence and then I blocked him forever and I’m feeling relieved. Sunday 14th of May, my mom were out today from hospital, she’s totally fine and in good health, we celebrated this occasion specially that it’s Mother’s Day today, I would like to thank her for everything she did to us, we love you mom. I started writing many poems these days after a long discontinuation, hopefully I will release a book of them next year. Wednesday 17th of May, I get to know Faisal Hijazi, he’s a new friend, I knew him from some Arabic program “app” for chatting, we are talking for two days now and he shocked me yesterday with weird demand. He’s going to open a gym soon and he wants somebody to do financial analysis besides money laundering and he told me I can trust you with that! For me, money laundering is a huge economical crime and for everyone with a moral sense and also it brings many issues that effect the country’s economy, so I refused and I asked him why would he do such thing? Faisal is a very thoughtful kind of person and he’s a doctor beside being a gamer. Tuesday, May 23rd, Faisal is so sweet with me and he loves me a lot, he said also to me ‘marry me?’ and I told him I like you and I want to be with you but I don’t want to get married now, I’m still young and I need to finish my bachelors degree first. I started writing many poems this month, it’s not usual but hopefully I will keep that to the next year so I can release my book with them, here is some.

May of flowers
it happens to be a poet
at this time of the year
I will redraw my lines
and rebreathe the air
would you help me?
I’m tired and lonely
I have lost the alphabet
and lost myself with it
it happens to be a girl
at this time
in this universe
water nymph and wild
it happens to be me
myself, nobody else
I would repeat the song
and redraw the lines

Another one:
He awaits for her
everything in his place reminds him
of their moments together
the golden watch,
her hands,
and her pleasant smile
such an innocent face;
he said,
while she was absorbing
the green light in his eyes
tenderly touches her lips,
after he kissed her,
and they talked about sentiments,
their first attachments
he goes to work
and he awaits for her

And I wrote this because we are moving to a new home, hopefully in the coming months, I’m so excited about this and hope for the best for me and my family.

Driven down by desires
facing my ancient home
soon we will be away
from here
from our memories,
things we built together,
to a new beginning
and a new dawn to rise

This’s the poems that I want to share but there’s many other poems that are really beautiful, I’m still a beginner in writing and I will push my self always towards improvement. Thursday, May 25th I didn’t saw but the flags of Saudi Arabia and United States on the streets and unfortunately I’m not part of Riyadh’s Arab Islamic-American summit so I can’t talk about it, but I wanted to document this remarkable event in my journals so I could remember it later, and also to be part of recording history in its simplest form. Saturday, 27th of May, its Ramadan today and we are happy celebrating this holy month’s traditions, from cooking to chatting with friends and watching tv programs. I just want to mention that we had our first fight me and that doctor Fasial and I don’t know where things are going from now, he wants to talk to me on the phone although I told him that I don’t have a phone number at the moment.

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December: Feelings of oppression

It’s the end of the year and the weather is cold and bold, winter is charming and promising with fortunate end. Don’t try to reach me and I won’t try to reach you. It’s 2nd of December and we’re rolling around Riyadh streets, we went to jarir bookstore to buy a phone for my mom, then we stopped to drink some coffee in a local coffee shop. I’m afraid of being a bovine after a long period of taking risperdal, I was reading a few of its side effects and it’s scared the hell out of me.
Thursday 8th of December, I might go out, to have a little bit of fun. I love writing with these new collection of pens, they’re useful and enjoyable! Unfortunately, I’ve had nothing left of my medication bromocripten or something like that. I feel like my poor writing bothers me, I have so much thoughts, and besides that, limited words. Blah! Saturday 10th of December, I’m in home taking time to read and enjoy a cup of coffee or hot chocolate, mornings are quite and peaceful. It’s hard to make something of your own in this technology world and it doesn’t mean I’m against technologies, but I’m with reducing our use time to certain devices for our own happiness. People get busy all the time on phones and I’m one of them, this is not a healthy attitude. Sunday, 11th of December, I went to hospital today, and I took my medicines from their. The responsible doctor on me from now and on is Faridah and I don’t like her. I must be objective about my opinions because this is how I like my judgement sound to be, but we can’t overlook some personal points or feelings. I feel good today, I put some coffee on oven, breathing slowly for a new hope. Wednesday 14th of December, I get up early, feeling lazy, I cleaned the dishes. I eat breakfast on 11:25 a.m. and dinner will be ready on 2:00 p.m. when my sister comes from school. Sunday, 25th of December, I’m questioning my self, why would a person stand between you and happiness. Why would he break your wings and burn you a life. They want to control you so much until they forget they don’t own anything and they are the true losers in the end. The only sad thing in this life is to let go of happiness once you hold it in your hands.
Every time I try to understand my feelings, I fail. Every time I try to love unconditionally, I can’t. Feelings aren’t for me to be grasp. I wish things will back again to its proper place, because we are trying to move to another apartment or villa soon. Hopefully, things will be considered from now and on.
Monday, 26th of December, I had an appointment in hospital with my doctor, everything was alright, I told her I’m thinking about traveling to my dad in Jeddah and she gives me another appointment after month, in January this time. So, I will start taking 2ml of risperdal only until I stop eating it. If that black guy is reading my journals I’m telling ya, son of a bitch: you use your knowledge to fulfill an emotional need, and you said you’re not an emotional person! This is my Christmas present from me to you, hope you die soon motherfucker. I will be happy once again and I will forget all the painful memories, I will be free as free as the wind. Friday, 30 of December, I will never let to small minded to ruin my life again, with their stupid behavior and overwhelming emotions that will lead definitely to brute actions, by feeding their useless uncontrollable anger. They think they’re smart enough to take their rights by force but guess what; they will strangled them selfs sooner or later by their own hands. Tuesday, 31 of December, I should work hard on not making another bad decision, I have many wishes and hopes for the new year, and I hope things will be alright.

I don’t have to feel this way, another year is gone without my case being solved, I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but I guess I will travel to my dad in Jeddah. I realized how small I am when I couldn’t and I can’t help people’s of Aleppo and the whole Syrian territories. I have nothing to give them but praying, in praying for them, praying for no god, we’re all praying for them and for our selfs as humans. Things are difficult not only for us, but to the whole world to come; you’re meant for struggle.

September: For a scattered soul

I’ve never spent September’s nights in hospital before, I sleep in room number 3 with 5 patients with me, every one of them has its own unique story. I’m crying again, I remembered how horribly I’m living, no one gives me a helping hand, reversely they’re trying to vanish every breath of me. My goal seems far away as far as I’m thrown here for no reason. Years ago, I was fascinated by silence of the lambs, Hannibal and the woman covered with the sun. Today, I’m happily re-exploring the sacred world of William Blake through his poems. I remarked from page 635, Jerusalem: the emanation of the giant Albion ” the long sufferings of god are not forever there is a judgment ”

It’s 9th of September, and I’m eating lots of chocolate bars, candys and junk foods, although I’m not eating whole meals or carbs, but I’m afraid I will get fat. I weighted 49.4 kg when I entered hospital, it’s 51.8 kg at the moment. I don’t know why there’s trouble with the nurses in taking my blood pressure and heartbeat measures every time.

10th of September, I’m waiting for lunch on 12:00 o’clock, I slept in room number 2 and there’s 3 patients with me, one of them is Amal. Amal changes her name to Hawra, she claims that Hawra name brings good luck, she’s religiously fanatic but a very respectable woman, she’s around 42 years old, a very restricted family, married twice, and took her master degree from Chelmsford university. I’m looking through the window the sound of Adhour call for prying in my ears, I’m calm waiting when I would be able to get of here and never come back again.

12th of September, its Eid Aladha today and Muslims celebrating pilgrimage rituals and traditions, on the corner of my bed here’s my monthly readings, Einstein’s dreams a novel by Alan Lightman, there’s my silver metal glasses beside a punch of tissues, me lying on bed reading the most captivating piece of art written about time, that mysterious quantity, how we can imagine a life without time? I’m going to leave a space for remarks from certain books that interest me aside on my blog. First book will be this one, this book is full of precious information and many wise words that need a dignified pause. For memory he wrote: a world without a memory is a world of the present. The past exists only in books, in documents. In order to know himself, each person carries his own book of life. For the past he wrote: no person is whole, no person is free. Over time, some have determined that the only way to live is to die. In death, a man or a woman is free of the weight of the past. And for life he said: a life is a moment in season. A life is one snowfall, a life is one autumn day, a life is the delicate rapid edge of closing door’s shadow. A life is a brief moment of arms and of legs.

Wednesday 14th of September, there was a party for patients, I didn’t enjoy it, seconds are heavy on me, I can’t bare it anymore. Time is cruel, time is order and meaningful.

Saturday 17th of September, and ‘why have you left the horse alone’ was completed in one day. These poems carried me new every time I read it, these poems are blooms in cherry trees on a spring night, these poems by Mahmoud Darwish.

Monday 19th of September, nurses took us to the entertainment lounge, to enjoy and dance, I drink coffee and few sweets doesn’t kill anyone, we went around 10:30 a.m. and came back on 12:00 p.m. lunch was ready. It’s quarter to 2:00 p.m. and I’m eating a banana after a short discussion with Dr. Mona and my social worker. I’ve changed with this medicine, I’m better, I told to my self be strong, I told to my soul pull me together again, it’s a hard road to the top but it’s worth suffering. When I’m in fine place later in my life if it’s long; I want to laugh on these moments when I was pieces and I thought I won’t made it. For the few weeks to come, it’s a short resident and I will back to life stronger. I will solve everything by myself. I won’t stop writing but I want my words wreathed with actions, powerful with results.

I was thinking about my career choices before all this things that meant to happen, if I were a little bit stronger and carful I could be a surgeon. I can’t believe how much I have lots of wasted talents. I’ve never think about having full marks in every test but I can force myself to do that. I can be better by raising my social statue but I’ve never wanted lots of many or a materialistic life. Each month has its own feelings and atmosphere, I want to enjoy writing more than anything else.

Wednesday 21st of September, and another meeting with dr. Mona and dr. Effat. I didn’t say much, they were also quite.
Dr. Effat: how long did you sat in prison? (asked)
Me: month and 14 days (answered)
Dr. Effat: they want a report about your case and a psychological profile.
Dr. Effat: what do you think about that? did you finish your sentence period? Is there anything else?
Me: yes I did
Me: if there’s anything else, it must be my social worker; she asked my brother for papers from here, and he didn’t bring it to her.
Me: and that’s it.
Dr. Effat: thank you Somayah you may go now.

Thursday 22nd of September, its 4:00 o’clock in the evening, I just got up of sleeping, I was exhausted after a long conversation with Dr. Aisha and Dr. Effat I hope she will wrote discharged because Dr. Aisha is responsible on group B and she’s a big consultant in this hospital. She told me: tell me everything, why did you ran out of your mother’s house? What happened? From the prison until here. I told here almost everything and I’m tired now, specially after my non-attendance for the magnificent party of our national Independence Day as Saudis. On the other hand, my mom visit me today and my sister is not aloud to see me according to Dr. Effat orders. She brought an olive oil for my legs. an elegant meal from iBurger. plastic bag full of chocolates: sniker, twix, kinder bueno, mars, KitKat and much more. My personal care stuff: toothbrush, aloe vera toothpaste, and papaya soup. And finally a fresh mango juice. Dinner was around 7:15 p.m. and nurses raise the medicine from 4 to 6 ml.

Wednesday 28th of September, a phone call from my mom was around 3:00 o’clock on the evening. tears were dripping like ocean, on the other side my sister talking, powerful individual, silly game, turus, house three in horoscope, what! what! what! wait a minute! My mom also talking: you’ll get out, we will get you out of there. Me thinking about Abdulrahman, and telling my mom to take his number from my small note or my phone and talk to him and tell him, if you love Somayah come and marry her, she has no one after god but you. I want to talk to my father telling him: you don’t see your daughter going around and around herself in endless circle. Why can’t you help me, what’s going on! why you’re silent? How these people can shut you down like this, are you afraid? If so, who are these people from? Government? from the royal family? Or the intelligence services! why can’t you answer me?

Friday 30 of September, and this time the selected book were made by my sister, Omar Hamdi written by J. Kourkis. As I read more about his art and personality as I get closer to grasp and analyze my sister patterns and emotions. Search about him.

August: It’s a gender war

It’s difficult for me to find an inspiration, at these moments I’m trying to find tranquility. Starting to write dairies and essays with English is not easy, and I must develop my literature storage. How much it’s totally hard to believe the amount of injustice and oppression are done in this world, crimes for no reason, penalty without a felony. Recognizing, most crimes are acted against females and children, I don’t want to talk about children’s cases here, gender problems are still eating inside our genes, and their is many reasons for that. According to my research, a gender crime is a hate crime committed against a specific gender. Gender crimes includes; rape, genital mutation, forced prostitution and forced pregnancy. Some of these crimes are committed during armed conflict or during times of political instability. There are cultural factors and biological ones for those crimes. Statistics have been consistent in reporting that men commit more criminal acts than women. Burton, et al 1998 found that low levels of self control are associated with criminal activity,and many professionals in criminology and related sciences have offered explanations for this sex differences, some differing explanations include men’s evolutionary tendency toward risk and violent behavior, sex differences in activity, social support, and gender inequality.

The most prominent crime in my opinion is case of the black dhalia, she is one of the most popular unsolved cases in America, Elizabeth short was murdered and her body were sliced to two pieces, her body were naked and mutable. She was only 22 with bright blue eyes and brown hair, she was murdered in 15th of January 1947. The black tailored suit was last seen wearing become the black dhalia. There is hundreds of examples on Gender crimes and hate crimes acted against women. I’m going to tell my story on this side, a very weird one, it has no roots or beginning, it happened for no reason. He is a black man, his name is Daniel Muhammad, he works in military, I don’t know him, we’ve never met before, he’s not a friend but indeed an enemy. He claims he loves me, ha! He ruined my life and he is the reason behind me being in jail, he wage a silent war against my mind and spirit. He is from United Kingdom and he lives their. The spark were created on last.fm website, the fire still burning in time. I hate him, I hate every single detail remind me of him, this is if I remember him, he whispered silently: eternity with you, you can’t escape without me behind you, holding a knife full of tears. He is stalking me from two thousand and fourteen, now I reached a limit where I’m suffocating. He have an enormous access to all power equipments, things that manipulate people and control them, I don’t know if he can manipulate other things than people, but I’m very curious about how he can make a person think of an idea he have no control over it, I don’t know if I’m right and I didn’t done a search on that, but I guess he use a specialized satellite for this, and this thing can send a message of chemical signals to someone’s brain, then it will be translated to the desired information, finally as thought. Their is a big possibility that he or they whom using this; using a simple computer program, and satellites might not be involved.

Thursday 11th of august, I bought an iPhone 6s and two books from Jarir bookstore, the first one is the American classic: The great gatsby, the other one is the complete poems of William Blake. I’m currently on page 28 from fizgrald’s novel.

Monday 15th of august, my father sent a shipment from Jeddah to Riyadh with the ID card and I’m trying to finish my goal before January in the next year.

Tuesday 23rd of august, I was sent to Alamal complex for mental health, after a pleasant fight between me, my brother and my mom. They’ve decided that hospital is a bitter place for me.

Wednesday 24th of august I started eating risperdal and It was the worst experience in my whole life, I’ve experienced the side effects of it, my eyes were wide open, I was looking upward and I can’t control my neck movements. The nurse “Robina” gives me a cream for muscles then she called the doctor, the doctor ordered them to give me cogantien, after minutes everything became normal, and I was able to sleep.

I met a friend, her name is Shoq Alawda, she’s a 20 year old blonde, born in 2 April 1996. I get used on being here without my sister, I hope she’s doing well at home. Having a short residence in mental health hospital similar to my prison experience. I’ve never imagined that consequences and series of bad decisions will end up me here, this is related to a damaged brain or an overthinking habit! Shoq told me she has bipolar disorder and she hear voices no one else hear, she told me also she invented and designed a wheel chair with remote control, she kissed me on my forehead once, she told me I love you, I didn’t give her more than a smile.