Sad to bring this upon you
You, my loved one
You, my sunshine
when I needed the light
You’re the water nature of myself
You’re the earth
when I needed to feel comfort
Mama, Hated the country
But never the home
I wanted freedom but
Never to escape
I’m stayin’ I’m leavin’
I’ll be here until
I found myself that once lost
Mama, my heart only escaped
An ordinary day of February’s cold nights at the Ritz Carlton, Riyadh! where we played bowling, billiards and ate dinner at Circle restaurant
2 aug, 2018
Today, I communicate with many people living outside Saudi Arabia, I heard many stories and I’m ready to tell mine! Dr. Taleb Al Abdulmuhsen is one of them, he’s in Germany, a psychiatrist, ex-Muslim and above all anti Saudi government. I asked him that I’m seeking asylum in Sweden, he send me his website (wearesaudis.net) dedicated to Saudi immigrants problems around the world. Here’s my plan! I searched about (Absher system) that make the male guardian of any breathing Saudi female an absolute controller of her own life. She can’t dream of traveling but with a permission and what an injustice community to be living in! Beside that, the Saudi women society is full of stories of oppression from her parent or her husband, brother and above all the government. I’m going to marry someone to be my male-guardian instead my extremely religious father. He’s going to be my husband in front of an unjust system so he can prepare my passport and all my legal papers! It’s sadden me that I tried to do it on my own but I couldn’t, when I wanted to enter the Absher service, it’s said: we will send a message with a verification code to your phone number! I accidentally had my father ID number and his password but unfortunately they well send a message to his number in Jeddah and I will be exposed! In addition, what saddens me more the huge amount of sickening control of our life, in details, everything is controlled, like: what countries allowed to visit? From when to when, do you want to receive a message when your daughter or wife is going to travel outside of Saudi Arabia borders? They didn’t left a chance for us to be a complete citizens of a country or with absolute rights.
I may was considered narcissistic but I’m now the wounded bird with a broken ego and questionable intelligence. It looks they win for a while cause it seems easier to use the sensational world in defining a person, to expose him, to detach him from his own principles, a vulnerable soul. It seems devices/technology are better in judging a human being, from what he smells, eat, read to listen. An approachable thoughts and forgotten privacy, this teaches me to re-find my identity and replace my dignity, it teaches me never to be less when you can have it all.
It’s November, the weather is still hot but it will surely get cold on the end of the month. I can’t wait to start studying again. Everything was pure on a day before sunsets, and I’m trying to restore that solid moments of happiness. The leaves are fallen and prepare it self to a new cycle. I’m going to write with my tears, I don’t have other time to live. It’s time to bring the best in us, live wholly and truly. We are still young and I want to age gracefully, shine brighter through the years. It’s a vision that I created for myself, I want to live through pressed flowers, lavender breath, sweet November air with smells of books and fruits on a rainy day. It’s the sensational life that we observe first and what lie a head it’s a reflection of the mind, in its essence and its complexity. I want to write so I can see myself on papers; diagnose myself and find my identity between the letters. It’s for you who I write and me who I see. So, open your eyes gently and breath under the oak tree, you’re the king of your path. It’s you who I dream of, your lips presses against mine, you smell of oud and umber on jasmine, you told me you will never leave me, you told me I was like honey, years gone by now and I knew with time as it passes by that I will never here your voice again. Here I am covering my eyes with one hand in an empty room full of only darkness, I don’t want to hear voice, I don’t want to hear a voice.
Thursday, 5th of October, the journey began, I have finally established a physical identity for me, I will receive my ID card after a week. Then, I will open a bank account and finally find a job, I need more than 4000 s. r. per month. I couldn’t imagine things will work for me easily and I don’t want to spent another five years in my country. I will plan to graduate and travel to live abroad. My condolences for everyone felt and live what I’ve been through, governments can use fatal equipments and cruel actions just to prevent any threat possible, even when it doesn’t exist! I can say my reality wasn’t how I wanted, they’ve imposed the hate, anger, insecurity feelings and many other things, I wasn’t me, I wasn’t myself, trouble seems to find me everywhere. Thursday, 12th October, I finally received my books from London and it’s all for Nabokov; Lolita, pale fire and collected poems. I’m currently reading “ I don’t want this poem to end “ for Mahmoud Darwish for the first time and I can’t wait to read the rest! It’s going to be morning tomorrow and I will start my day with a poem, surely it’s going to be the dice player, one of my all time favorites. Friday, 13th of October, I just registered in Athabasca University to take an online bachelor degree in human science, it can be a pre-medicine course as well in different Canadian universities. I’m so happy, there was a weight and it’s completely gone, I will study it in four years, hopefully, I will graduate before 2022 and I’m always changing my plans as usual. Tuesday, 17th of October. Unfortunately, the program is too expensive and I can’t afford it, it’s more than 200, 000 s. r. Anyway, I found an alternate solution. I’m going to study psychology so I can later complete my degree in clinical psychology. I search a lot about online degrees and I found the best is in California Coast University with the best fee plans ever. Friday, 20 October, I’m certain that I’ve changed a lot through the years. I made mistakes, I learn, I grow. Although nothing is certain, there’s amount of hope laying down in my heart and here’s to another beginning for it’s almost the end of the year. I’ve been through a lot of struggles in my college, I studied biology for semester and I made a big mistake when I didn’t study medicine and I transferred to study economics instead. I can call this an endless mourn for me, I would specializes in psychiatry if it happens and I studied medicine so I found a good balance that I will start a refreshing career in psychology and I will hopefully take the master degree in clinical psychology. I have hopes and I will start my online experience soon.
Sunday, 3rd of September, I guess I achieved a lot in my life on mental and spiritual level, being an empowered individual and targeted in the same time is an achievement in itself. I talk to a strange person, I didn’t knew very well and he told me that your innocent face and rounded eye glasses reminds me of the ancient city of Paris. So, the old habits is back, the one who used to harasses me is here again, they can’t leave me alone, with my own burden of living, they can’t leave me with the thorn in my side.
Saturday, 16th of September, I was preparing to start attending school this year but unfortunately I’ve had many issues will let me delay it until next semester. It’s totally fine with me, I guess I will graduate in 2020 and I will complete the master hopefully in international relations. Tuesday, 19th of September, I have experienced many hurtful situations, I’ve bled silently, I’m not a feeler, I’ve been through many struggles, I’ve faced my fears and stands in the dark alone. I’ve always been into romanticism and I’ve always escaped to it. I’m currently reading “Memoirs of a Dutiful Daughter” and Simone de Beauvoir’s simple language full of knowledge didn’t surprises me, it was such an inspiration and my ultimate passion and desire is to create such a vision in my own diaries.
Wednesday, 27th of September, they’ve known who I am before me knowing myself, from a very long time. I’ve had my worst dreams and fears and they were with me silently watching. I hated everything, I wanted everything, I’ve actually had everything except peace of mind. Friday, 29th of September, lying in my bed, rearranging many things, loving the small moments of autumn and preparing for winter. I still keep remembering what I’ve been through and what happened with me between the hands of Saudi government. I still have hope and I dream of a better future for all of us.
Thursday, 17th of August, I have always seen myself as a kid with big hopes and secrets, and I couldn’t handle the worn beliefs nor the rotten beating heart of a human being. In my early years of consciousness I loved my experiences in reading philosophy, I remember reading for the first time to Schopenhauer and later to Nietzsche and I’ve followed blindly what they’ve said although at times I had different opinions. I can’t deny my love for Jesus character, his elegance of being a good man and I’ve sadly wanted to hold a cross necklace one day to represent my appreciation and love for such a great tortured soul. I’ve born in a strictly Muslim family, my father is religiously fanatic and my mother too. Since my childhood; I’ve never found the answer in religion nor praying and I’ve abandoned questioning god. Saturday, 20 of August “kiss me hard before you go, summer time sadness” it’s just the perfect time to say goodbye to summer and this line is from one of my favorite songs of all time. Don’t worry darling, enjoy your days and remember they hate you because they cannot be you, they harasses you because it’s the stupid way of human nature. Don’t worry, you are different, you are pure and beautiful and with this beauty you can create and change the world around you. Tuesday, 22nd of August, I realized that anger leads to no where and noise comes from an empty mind. There’s no way to control our future but through planning, caring about your surroundings is a necessity and do not forget nurturing your soul with knowledge. In my hospital days, I became more and more silent, you almost can never here the heavy sound of my breath, my silence is something many people that surrounds me noticed it. As much as I liked silence, I loved hearing different voices, one of the patients in hospital was singing a strange song, she always repeated it and I kind of heard the sound of the universe in her tunes. Thursday, 24th of August, I don’t want to be smart nor clever, I want to be dumb, dump human being, I want to be stupid bravery and integrity. I don’t want your evil intelligence! Sunday, 27th of August, I was living in a society that full of flaws, I raised in an environment where women’s are attacked harshly and disrespectfully when she does any mistake. I see myself grows as a perfectionist and literally didn’t want anybody to get to me, I failed in many ways.
It’s the end of the year and the weather is cold and bold, winter is charming and promising with fortunate end. Don’t try to reach me and I won’t try to reach you. It’s 2nd of December and we’re rolling around Riyadh streets, we went to jarir bookstore to buy a phone for my mom, then we stopped to drink some coffee in a local coffee shop. I’m afraid of being a bovine after a long period of taking risperdal, I was reading a few of its side effects and it’s scared the hell out of me.
Thursday 8th of December, I might go out, to have a little bit of fun. I love writing with these new collection of pens, they’re useful and enjoyable! Unfortunately, I’ve had nothing left of my medication bromocripten or something like that. I feel like my poor writing bothers me, I have so much thoughts, and besides that, limited words. Blah! Saturday 10th of December, I’m in home taking time to read and enjoy a cup of coffee or hot chocolate, mornings are quite and peaceful. It’s hard to make something of your own in this technology world and it doesn’t mean I’m against technologies, but I’m with reducing our use time to certain devices for our own happiness. People get busy all the time on phones and I’m one of them, this is not a healthy attitude. Sunday, 11th of December, I went to hospital today, and I took my medicines from their. The responsible doctor on me from now and on is Faridah and I don’t like her. I must be objective about my opinions because this is how I like my judgement sound to be, but we can’t overlook some personal points or feelings. I feel good today, I put some coffee on oven, breathing slowly for a new hope. Wednesday 14th of December, I get up early, feeling lazy, I cleaned the dishes. I eat breakfast on 11:25 a.m. and dinner will be ready on 2:00 p.m. when my sister comes from school. Sunday, 25th of December, I’m questioning my self, why would a person stand between you and happiness. Why would he break your wings and burn you a life. They want to control you so much until they forget they don’t own anything and they are the true losers in the end. The only sad thing in this life is to let go of happiness once you hold it in your hands.
Every time I try to understand my feelings, I fail. Every time I try to love unconditionally, I can’t. Feelings aren’t for me to be grasp. I wish things will back again to its proper place, because we are trying to move to another apartment or villa soon. Hopefully, things will be considered from now and on.
Monday, 26th of December, I had an appointment in hospital with my doctor, everything was alright, I told her I’m thinking about traveling to my dad in Jeddah and she gives me another appointment after month, in January this time. So, I will start taking 2ml of risperdal only until I stop eating it. If that black guy is reading my journals I’m telling ya, son of a bitch: you use your knowledge to fulfill an emotional need, and you said you’re not an emotional person! This is my Christmas present from me to you, hope you die soon motherfucker. I will be happy once again and I will forget all the painful memories, I will be free as free as the wind. Friday, 30 of December, I will never let to small minded to ruin my life again, with their stupid behavior and overwhelming emotions that will lead definitely to brute actions, by feeding their useless uncontrollable anger. They think they’re smart enough to take their rights by force but guess what; they will strangled them selfs sooner or later by their own hands. Tuesday, 31 of December, I should work hard on not making another bad decision, I have many wishes and hopes for the new year, and I hope things will be alright.
I don’t have to feel this way, another year is gone without my case being solved, I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but I guess I will travel to my dad in Jeddah. I realized how small I am when I couldn’t and I can’t help people’s of Aleppo and the whole Syrian territories. I have nothing to give them but praying, in praying for them, praying for no god, we’re all praying for them and for our selfs as humans. Things are difficult not only for us, but to the whole world to come; you’re meant for struggle.