September: For a scattered soul

I’ve never spent September’s nights in hospital before, I sleep in room number 3 with 5 patients with me, every one of them has its own unique story. I’m crying again, I remembered how horribly I’m living, no one gives me a helping hand, reversely they’re trying to vanish every breath of me. My goal seems far away as far as I’m thrown here for no reason. Years ago, I was fascinated by silence of the lambs, Hannibal and the woman covered with the sun. Today, I’m happily re-exploring the sacred world of William Blake through his poems. I remarked from page 635, Jerusalem: the emanation of the giant Albion ” the long sufferings of god are not forever there is a judgment ”

It’s 9th of September, and I’m eating lots of chocolate bars, candys and junk foods, although I’m not eating whole meals or carbs, but I’m afraid I will get fat. I weighted 49.4 kg when I entered hospital, it’s 51.8 kg at the moment. I don’t know why there’s trouble with the nurses in taking my blood pressure and heartbeat measures every time.

10th of September, I’m waiting for lunch on 12:00 o’clock, I slept in room number 2 and there’s 3 patients with me, one of them is Amal. Amal changes her name to Hawra, she claims that Hawra name brings good luck, she’s religiously fanatic but a very respectable woman, she’s around 42 years old, a very restricted family, married twice, and took her master degree from Chelmsford university. I’m looking through the window the sound of Adhour call for prying in my ears, I’m calm waiting when I would be able to get of here and never come back again.

12th of September, its Eid Aladha today and Muslims celebrating pilgrimage rituals and traditions, on the corner of my bed here’s my monthly readings, Einstein’s dreams a novel by Alan Lightman, there’s my silver metal glasses beside a punch of tissues, me lying on bed reading the most captivating piece of art written about time, that mysterious quantity, how we can imagine a life without time? I’m going to leave a space for remarks from certain books that interest me aside on my blog. First book will be this one, this book is full of precious information and many wise words that need a dignified pause. For memory he wrote: a world without a memory is a world of the present. The past exists only in books, in documents. In order to know himself, each person carries his own book of life. For the past he wrote: no person is whole, no person is free. Over time, some have determined that the only way to live is to die. In death, a man or a woman is free of the weight of the past. And for life he said: a life is a moment in season. A life is one snowfall, a life is one autumn day, a life is the delicate rapid edge of closing door’s shadow. A life is a brief moment of arms and of legs.

Wednesday 14th of September, there was a party for patients, I didn’t enjoy it, seconds are heavy on me, I can’t bare it anymore. Time is cruel, time is order and meaningful.

Saturday 17th of September, and ‘why have you left the horse alone’ was completed in one day. These poems carried me new every time I read it, these poems are blooms in cherry trees on a spring night, these poems by Mahmoud Darwish.

Monday 19th of September, nurses took us to the entertainment lounge, to enjoy and dance, I drink coffee and few sweets doesn’t kill anyone, we went around 10:30 a.m. and came back on 12:00 p.m. lunch was ready. It’s quarter to 2:00 p.m. and I’m eating a banana after a short discussion with Dr. Mona and my social worker. I’ve changed with this medicine, I’m better, I told to my self be strong, I told to my soul pull me together again, it’s a hard road to the top but it’s worth suffering. When I’m in fine place later in my life if it’s long; I want to laugh on these moments when I was pieces and I thought I won’t made it. For the few weeks to come, it’s a short resident and I will back to life stronger. I will solve everything by myself. I won’t stop writing but I want my words wreathed with actions, powerful with results.

I was thinking about my career choices before all this things that meant to happen, if I were a little bit stronger and carful I could be a surgeon. I can’t believe how much I have lots of wasted talents. I’ve never think about having full marks in every test but I can force myself to do that. I can be better by raising my social statue but I’ve never wanted lots of many or a materialistic life. Each month has its own feelings and atmosphere, I want to enjoy writing more than anything else.

Wednesday 21st of September, and another meeting with dr. Mona and dr. Effat. I didn’t say much, they were also quite.
Dr. Effat: how long did you sat in prison? (asked)
Me: month and 14 days (answered)
Dr. Effat: they want a report about your case and a psychological profile.
Dr. Effat: what do you think about that? did you finish your sentence period? Is there anything else?
Me: yes I did
Me: if there’s anything else, it must be my social worker; she asked my brother for papers from here, and he didn’t bring it to her.
Me: and that’s it.
Dr. Effat: thank you Somayah you may go now.

Thursday 22nd of September, its 4:00 o’clock in the evening, I just got up of sleeping, I was exhausted after a long conversation with Dr. Aisha and Dr. Effat I hope she will wrote discharged because Dr. Aisha is responsible on group B and she’s a big consultant in this hospital. She told me: tell me everything, why did you ran out of your mother’s house? What happened? From the prison until here. I told here almost everything and I’m tired now, specially after my non-attendance for the magnificent party of our national Independence Day as Saudis. On the other hand, my mom visit me today and my sister is not aloud to see me according to Dr. Effat orders. She brought an olive oil for my legs. an elegant meal from iBurger. plastic bag full of chocolates: sniker, twix, kinder bueno, mars, KitKat and much more. My personal care stuff: toothbrush, aloe vera toothpaste, and papaya soup. And finally a fresh mango juice. Dinner was around 7:15 p.m. and nurses raise the medicine from 4 to 6 ml.

Wednesday 28th of September, a phone call from my mom was around 3:00 o’clock on the evening. tears were dripping like ocean, on the other side my sister talking, powerful individual, silly game, turus, house three in horoscope, what! what! what! wait a minute! My mom also talking: you’ll get out, we will get you out of there. Me thinking about Abdulrahman, and telling my mom to take his number from my small note or my phone and talk to him and tell him, if you love Somayah come and marry her, she has no one after god but you. I want to talk to my father telling him: you don’t see your daughter going around and around herself in endless circle. Why can’t you help me, what’s going on! why you’re silent? How these people can shut you down like this, are you afraid? If so, who are these people from? Government? from the royal family? Or the intelligence services! why can’t you answer me?

Friday 30 of September, and this time the selected book were made by my sister, Omar Hamdi written by J. Kourkis. As I read more about his art and personality as I get closer to grasp and analyze my sister patterns and emotions. Search about him.

August: It’s a gender war

It’s difficult for me to find an inspiration, at these moments I’m trying to find tranquility. Starting to write dairies and essays with English is not easy, and I must develop my literature storage. How much it’s totally hard to believe the amount of injustice and oppression are done in this world, crimes for no reason, penalty without a felony. Recognizing, most crimes are acted against females and children, I don’t want to talk about children’s cases here, gender problems are still eating inside our genes, and their is many reasons for that. According to my research, a gender crime is a hate crime committed against a specific gender. Gender crimes includes; rape, genital mutation, forced prostitution and forced pregnancy. Some of these crimes are committed during armed conflict or during times of political instability. There are cultural factors and biological ones for those crimes. Statistics have been consistent in reporting that men commit more criminal acts than women. Burton, et al 1998 found that low levels of self control are associated with criminal activity,and many professionals in criminology and related sciences have offered explanations for this sex differences, some differing explanations include men’s evolutionary tendency toward risk and violent behavior, sex differences in activity, social support, and gender inequality.

The most prominent crime in my opinion is case of the black dhalia, she is one of the most popular unsolved cases in America, Elizabeth short was murdered and her body were sliced to two pieces, her body were naked and mutable. She was only 22 with bright blue eyes and brown hair, she was murdered in 15th of January 1947. The black tailored suit was last seen wearing become the black dhalia. There is hundreds of examples on Gender crimes and hate crimes acted against women. I’m going to tell my story on this side, a very weird one, it has no roots or beginning, it happened for no reason. He is a black man, his name is Daniel Muhammad, he works in military, I don’t know him, we’ve never met before, he’s not a friend but indeed an enemy. He claims he loves me, ha! He ruined my life and he is the reason behind me being in jail, he wage a silent war against my mind and spirit. He is from United Kingdom and he lives their. The spark were created on last.fm website, the fire still burning in time. I hate him, I hate every single detail remind me of him, this is if I remember him, he whispered silently: eternity with you, you can’t escape without me behind you, holding a knife full of tears. He is stalking me from two thousand and fourteen, now I reached a limit where I’m suffocating. He have an enormous access to all power equipments, things that manipulate people and control them, I don’t know if he can manipulate other things than people, but I’m very curious about how he can make a person think of an idea he have no control over it, I don’t know if I’m right and I didn’t done a search on that, but I guess he use a specialized satellite for this, and this thing can send a message of chemical signals to someone’s brain, then it will be translated to the desired information, finally as thought. Their is a big possibility that he or they whom using this; using a simple computer program, and satellites might not be involved.

Thursday 11th of august, I bought an iPhone 6s and two books from Jarir bookstore, the first one is the American classic: The great gatsby, the other one is the complete poems of William Blake. I’m currently on page 28 from fizgrald’s novel.

Monday 15th of august, my father sent a shipment from Jeddah to Riyadh with the ID card and I’m trying to finish my goal before January in the next year.

Tuesday 23rd of august, I was sent to Alamal complex for mental health, after a pleasant fight between me, my brother and my mom. They’ve decided that hospital is a bitter place for me.

Wednesday 24th of august I started eating risperdal and It was the worst experience in my whole life, I’ve experienced the side effects of it, my eyes were wide open, I was looking upward and I can’t control my neck movements. The nurse “Robina” gives me a cream for muscles then she called the doctor, the doctor ordered them to give me cogantien, after minutes everything became normal, and I was able to sleep.

I met a friend, her name is Shoq Alawda, she’s a 20 year old blonde, born in 2 April 1996. I get used on being here without my sister, I hope she’s doing well at home. Having a short residence in mental health hospital similar to my prison experience. I’ve never imagined that consequences and series of bad decisions will end up me here, this is related to a damaged brain or an overthinking habit! Shoq told me she has bipolar disorder and she hear voices no one else hear, she told me also she invented and designed a wheel chair with remote control, she kissed me on my forehead once, she told me I love you, I didn’t give her more than a smile.

July: A laurel wreath

Trapped, tourtered, and humiliated. The sun in July, things doesn’t get better, I didn’t get the bachlarette degree. I found a temporary solace in darwish’s poems. Searching and surfing the web networks, running breathless like a frightend rabbit. First, second, third, until fourth of July and citizens of United States celebrating thier declaration independence day, for me, it was another day completing misery of a life. Writing, what’s it! an answer or a question, a word or a sentence, how I could lay down my words, just let it bleed, I said, dead on a paper, does my poor English helps? everyone made mistakes and you must learn through time and why you’re writing with English? I love using a universal language, silence will not be useful here. Oh, sorry I’m having a monologue with myself again. You frail pathetic child, they silently told you, muted words, words that don’t exist but in your imagination, oh imagination, where it can lead you! Floating in millions of concepts where it can disperses to thoughts and each of these thoughts lead you to hundreds of meanings and conclusions, where you can spent hours, days or maybe weeks trying to dismantling and recalculating, you end up afraid of getting insane, fed up from it all, I don’t want to think anymore, I don’t. I’m tired, I just want to rest my head on someone’s lap, I want to smell the air and touch the grass, I want the smell of the ocean to cover me as I sleep quietly beside the waves. Where you want to go with your writings? I don’t know! I’m very repressed, I need a space for myself, and I found it here between words. They are using your methods against you, is that conflict theory? You are the expermint since you are devoted to science, is this delisions? No, this is truth. And by that you must learn how to defeat them. They ruin you while you were taking a rest from fighting the demons in your mind.

We celebrates our eid ceremony as represented in Islamic calendar on sixth of July, dressing up like lady Diana’s jeans avrouls, reading for Hemingway, spending time practicing my skills in photography, I love the faded shades of cold colours in a digital image. It’s 8th of July and I’ve completed my 23rd year on this wild place we cold earth. I’m vestal, I’m still virgin even after a deep kiss and skin attachment from whom I love, I’ve never tried anything else, with anybody before him, and I think being sexually abused in your childhood doesn’t count. The scent of English lavender becomes a signature for my room, leaver coloured nail polish and long white sleeveless dress, this is how July was, sunny for the optimist, full of apportonities for the outsider and a new start. I didn’t get any response for the job application, and I’m still searching in vacancies somewhere or any normal job in a bank, restaurant, clinics with a good celery I’m planning to volunteer in United nations or thier subordinate organizations until I found the right time. I want also to find the ideal fellowship, council on foreign affairs had the best programm yet but unfortunately you must be a resident of United States. And since my plans is traveling to Nuremberg or Berlin, I must study in a German university and there is knostans university for applied science and friee Berlin university for international students and mixed cultures, then thier is Humboldt university of Berlin which take my interest and attention, Arthur shopnehour and Karl marks beside Friedrich angles are one of the most important and prominent graduates. Furthermore, it’s the oldest university in Berlin, established in 15 October 1810. There is also Qatar university, university de Geneva, higher school of economics in Moscow and finally Oxford.

Why they don’t just kill me, kill me, a bullet in the head or in my heart. I will fall on my knees, slowly bleeding, slowly breathing, I might not feel the pain, I will peacefully close my eyes forever. Sometimes, we reject the life we live in, then we escape to an alternative one instead, where we can be our selfs, and who we are. It’s not a crime, it’s not a shame, nobody have power over you. On 16th of July, I submitted an online volunteering application, and this should be recorded as my first contact with United Nations and humanitarian action in general. The report was created in 5th of July on human rights in the administration of justice, translation from Arabic to English under category: legal affairs. I talk about my motivation, personal skills, language, academic qualification and I’m waiting for thier approval. I spent a lot of time these days reading horoscopes, as I noticed in my personal natal chart, Neptune in the twelfth house, and it means a sharp intuition and gifted talents such as clairvoyance that need to be practiced. I found that true somehow, I’ve always loved Leo from the zodiac signs, I’ve felt or knew that someday I will married a famous dominating kind of partner, loyal, lovable, and protective. Just like the Leo sign qualities. I surprisingly, found that Mars besid Leo are in my seventh house and this house related to relationships, partnerships and marriage. Mars attracts a person who may have mars in his first house, Leo attracts a king or a queen (in male charts) to your life. One of us must be the star, one is not afraid of being in the spotlight. And I’m going to redraw the picture with a remark from an article. ‘Mars tends to bring a marriage partner of a heavy Aries/Mars emphasis in his natal chart. He will frequently have Mars in his first house, and may be of a military background. There is possibility of him doing any type of work connected with uniform: an officer, a soldier, a policeman, a firefighter, an athlete or a surgeon. His character will be rather touchy and eruptive, while his body will be robust, well-shaped and athletic. Many times, the body will be a huge reason of attraction towards the partner; the sexual energy created between the two natives will be of the strongest nature- even blinding the natal chart owner.’

An overall view on my natal: ascendant in Aquarius and midheaven in Scorpio. I have the sun in Cancer and the moon in Pisces. Saturn in the first house in Aquarius beside the moon. Jupiter in lipra, Venus in Gemini and finally the powerful red planet in Virgo. Their is much more details I’ve previously posted on my tumblr site. http://lapleureusee.tumblr.com/tagged/astrology it is awkward how Aquarians can suffer on hands of others because of thier difference and being socially detached. It’s ultimately describes and unfolds my case. I’ve understood myself more than ever before, I truly appreciate those moments when I were down on my knees, alone, afraid, seeking prophecy, where I could find a road may lead me to God’s kingdom. I found this talk strange on me, I’ve never been able to conquer spiritual areas before. I prefer dealing with hard rightness and lucid results. But from now and on, I will keep an eye wide open to what’s hidden, forgotten and unbearable. I want to touch the truth in all its forms and dimensions, uncompromisingly. I’m overburdened, no money, no school. I don’t have a laptop or a phone, things closed in my face. I’m chasing shadows, kites in the air, I don’t know where to go, I don’t have anything but my pen.

On 27th of July, I’ve recently completed an online diploma about human resources, I just need a bank account to purchase my certificate with approximately 21 €, at least this can raise or uplift my self-esteem a little bit. I’m leaving everything in its proper place, for what days will brings, sooner or later everyone must have what his fate resembles, no less no more, you are who you are, what you create, what you will become, what you want to be, no one can take this from you, no one can force you to do what it is not you.

It’s 30 of July, as Saturn represent myself, it comes here for a reason, he comes under precise family conditions, I know they’re trying to simulate the same controlled environment I were raised in, but he can’t be kept down forever, since he is the ruler.

June: Recreating borders

I heard bad news today, Wensday 1st of June two thousands and sixteen, I was expected to get out of this institution on thirty of May but unfortunately my social specialist, whom’s responsible on my case, surprisingly telling me that we have to spend another ten days here, because of the weird second investigation! As she said you’ve got ‘extension for forty days’. I said: waht!? It’s clear to me that there is a hidden hand in that, he exactly wrote ‘bailment’ and now he is saying ‘forty days under apprehension’. Why? It’s still a question resonates frequently inside my head.

I remembered Nelson Mandela when he wrote the date he entered prison, I don’t remember the reason he do it! the case is very different here, and I guess many people done the same thing before. But, I remember his talk about optimism and his faith in humanity, he said: “I am fundamentally an optimist. Whether that comes from nature or nurture, I cannot say. Part of being optimistic is keeping one’s head pointed toward the sun, one’s feet moving forward. There were many dark moments when my faith in humanity was sorely tested, but I would not and could not give myself up to despair. That way lays defeat and death.” away a little bit from mandela’s talk, I mentioned in my very first investigation, in March, two thousands and sexteen ‘politics’ but they said to me we don’t want the case to be bigger, because it’s just absence now! Seriously, it should be as it is, I didn’t mention the whole process of pain and pressure I’ve been through. All I do now is sitting with myself and think, think and think, I’ve set a goal, a goal to succee whatever this means, or however self-development sounds, a goal to reasonable safety and to live, I want to start pursue it.

Goal mapping: Submit an application for asylum in Germany
Time period: 1 Aug 2016 – 1 Jan 2017

I’m standing against God and every religion that put us centuries backwards and drag us down, I oath to raise my voice and I will never silence the right. I relinquish my nationality and I don’t want any relations with my country. I want to report my dignity as a human to United Nations and I want them to deal with the violation of human rights perpetrated against me, since I was 19 years old. I’m pulling myself together, I’m trying to be strong, I have so much to give to the world. I want to live in Germany and to complete my study in one of thier universities. Im planning to report a political aslym thier, so I can later have the German nationality at least when I will be 29 years old. These are my goals, and this is what I will work hard for, but the trouble with the people they try to stop me by thinking they can help me, or they can understand me. Forgive me, but you’re doing unforgivable mistake.

Wednesday, 8th of June, we were judged on (the second case: seclusion – forbidden relationship) six months and 40 lashes in prison, what that supposed to mean? Yes, it’s very heavy title but this is how they classify us, and this is how they judge according to Islamic law. He make sure that (Ramadan remission) well let us free, since I object on the 6 months, and I said three months is acceptable and more than enough, he said you won’t stay more than week, here, I agreed, he can do his work and we will have what we want in the end.

What happened in that part of our story with the two Moroccan men is natural and not important, and this is why I’m going to write the details! We were sitting around building above the stairs, Faisaliah tower was on the left side and Mustafa comes to us around five times repeating he want to help us if we need a home to stay or sleep at, and he had many people in that situation before and he helped them. Him, his self saying; that he was sleeping in public park years ago, and he see himself in us. We reluctantly  agreed, and he took us to his married friend Abdelrazaq, later we discovered he wasn’t married! Mustafa tried to get close from me that night but I refused. We slept in Abdelrazaq’s house  for one day. 29th of April, at 3 or 4 a.m. Abdelrazaq confirmed us that his Saudi patron told him, criminal search want him, and he ‘Abdelrazaq’ told him: that the only thing he got is the weed! And you know about that! But there is another thing was obvious here! Rapidly, he gives us money for the taxi ride and we didn’t see him or his friend again.

On first two weeks of our resident in prison we met two black ladies, Nada is a drug dealer, Dua’a is absent and wanted for two years, she was travelling as a man with a fake identity card, they’re hilarious! we spent the most insane moments with the sound of our giggling and laughing around the dorm. Then I knew Ahlam and she’s 17 years old, her case is about a man she ran with him and he stole her virginity and left her with nothing, she’s facing a year in prison and threatens from her family.

What I learned and conquered is more than my writing ability could shattered, so surely there is some missing pieces. The concept of that prison (girls tutorship institution) is upside down with me, there is only 27 girls here! From more than 7 millions living in Riyadh and the title speak about itself. I don’t know yet why would somebody have joy for bothering me! They literally destroyed my life, I don’t want to repeat the same words again but I want this shit to stop, just stop! I can’t do anything straight, I need a long time to recover, just like forever! I want to feel peace, I want that feelings of having another person sharing my skin to stop. These horrible thoughts comes to my mind again, tainted my living, they see me naked! They are laughing at me, I’m under psychic pressure, I don’t think this could even happen to a political prisoner, this is more than what a human being could take. I’m in governmental game! This is not an easy shit, what have I done? Is this beautiful mind? Am I schizophrenic!? I didn’t get over it, I didn’t, self destruction is here, I’m losing it. Month after month, I didn’t get it, I didn’t explain it very well, it’s heavy, it’s more than that. What I know now, that I’m down from my ivory tower, I’m close to earth, close to people, to experience and to life. I don’t know what days will bring but I’m ready for it, I’m awake and I can survive.

Saturday, 11th of June. I wrote down in another boring day at prison: they can take away my smile, my degrees, my academic life, they can steal my thoughts and memories, my rights, but they can never reach me nor break my identity. I might deal with threatens on my life since I revealed what I have kept for years, now. I’m taking science as method and way of protecting the truth and lightning our road in the dark.

Finally, we were out of prison on Thursday 16th of June, after coercion and compression acted by our social specialist. we spent exactly month and two weeks their. We’re back, to the life of pain, to the old rotten memories. I resumed my search for a job and I started trying to find the suitable vacancies in un and other international organisations, I made my first application to Deutsche Gesellschaft für Internationale Zusammenarbeit on 21st of june and here is my litter to the responsible hiring manager, Yvonne Perner. Im spending my latest June’s heavy days with love of my life Abdulrahman, I’m expecting to buy well designed glasses on 29th of June with 700 r.s. for the frame and lenses, and above all, we are all waiting for salvation. I would like to end my first post with a remark for Karl Kraus, the world is a prison which solitary confinment preferable.