January: The light slowly diminished

Monday, 2nd of January, It’s 9:58 a.m. and I’ve just dropped my file from university, I was late, I was giving myself a chance, I was thinking a lot but their is no way else. It’s done now and I’m trying to re-plan many things ahead. First of all, I would focus on photography more and try to find a job in this field. I need money at this moment, and fortunately there is an opportunity for me in company belongs to a friend of my mother. Later, I will try to fix my academic situation, I don’t know if I want to complete my bachelors degree here in Saudi Arabia, I prefer abroad although it’s difficult. I’ve never thought that life would end up like this, I learned from my mistakes and hope I would be able to recover from these sad moments. After that, I couldn’t heir anything but my mom’s screams, I woke up and slept on my mom screaming, why? Because of my file, she want to make me study again, she’s not satisfied without me coming back to school. Tuesday, 3rd of January, we ‘me, my brother and sister’ went out to a public park, we enjoyed eating and drinking, the weather was beautiful and fresh air was what really need at that time. Wednesday, 11th of January I started reading finding a form for William h. Gass, I will take few remarks to record if I have a time, of course. Thursday, 12th of January I’m using the iPhone a lot! It’s like 24 hours and this is not healthy, I spend more hours on instagram, although I don’t have much photos, I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I discovered later that a lot of people had the same obsession with instagram, not only me! Saturday, 14th of January, I’m watching a documentary film about my favorite poet, Mahmoud Darwish. I didn’t know that he was married twice! And he never wanted to bring a child in his life, the Paris part was stunning, he wrote many beautiful poems in Paris, and he blooms there himself. He left this world with grace and dignity. I sawed a tv show on dw about two Afghani girls and how they live a hard life, and I just wonder how religion restrict us from looking abroad and striving for change, it makes us satisfied or whatever they say it with life, not asking for more, and that will prevent improvements, this is why they call us third world. And one of the biggest Issues of the third world country’s are religion. Wednesday, 18th of January, I have the right to live, I have the right to die whenever I want to, I have the right to say that I want to live, I have the right to live according to my rules and principles, I have the right to ask and speak, I have the right to fall and rise again, I have the right to be alone, I have the right to leave me on my own, I have the right when I have the right to tell that I have rights, and you must respect that I have rights, I have a rights although I don’t know it yet. Friday, 20 of January, it’s just a question comes to mind, and I wanted to write it down here; how we can measure someone’s worth? Is it about fame or is it about money? Isn’t about beauty? And how we can measure also beauty? I guess it’s a very divergent subject and need some time to work on it. Monday, 23rd of January, I can’t believe I have to tell that no one is worthless, no one is pointless, no one is flawless we do mistakes and we have to adjust with this to better our selfs. It’s human nature, I’m not worthless because I did some stupid silly mistake on the internet! it’s not a crime for gods sake, but some people are meant for reminding you of flaws you never did. Thursday, 26th of January, I’m full of hope although I’m not living the life I want, I’m full of dreams, empty days, and sorrow. The life I have is dark on me and I just can’t give up life but we have always to adapt and create something beautiful we can hold up to. I want something bright, sunny days by the ocean, open space and a lot of melodies. The life I want is not heavy on my shoulder, it’s me, it’s not them, it’s not the bad days and sickness of smoke everywhere. I don’t see but smoke, the light slowly diminished. Monday, 30 of January, we went to a local park and eat lunch their, we went walking for about two hours and then we came back home. I can’t imagine how tomorrow will be but I can promise myself to live every moment.